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Building The Ultimate Paul Giamatti Film.

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america's sweetheart, paul giamatti
america's sweetheart, paul giamatti

Paul Giamatti is a very successful and critically lauded actor. He's pretty close to being a household name and he's constantly working.

Giamatti has played a bevy of roles in his career. He's been one of America's most beloved well-known elected presidents, he's been a guy who met a mermaid, he's been a jerk terrorized by Frankie Muniz ... he's done it all! But let's be honest: most Paul Giamatti films seem to have a lot of common elements.

If we put enough of the right elements together, we might just come up with the ultimate Paul Giamatti movie. It wouldn't make a lot of money, but darn it, it'd be something you'll eventually see on DVD! (When you stop by a Blockbuster that is going out of business.)

- Giamatti must spend the entire film in clothing that emphasizes an ample paunch, causing his belt to make a smiley face

- Giamatti's character must have no fewer than three flaws; two of those flaws must be "borderline-functioning alcoholism" and "insatiable lust for women"

- Giamatti's character must be called a "shlub" at some point, either in the film or on the DVD packaging

- Giamatti's character must have sex with no fewer than four women in the film

- The phrase "Jew bastard" must be used minimum of one time

- The film must be categorized as a "comedy," even though it is soul-crushingly bleak for 80 of its 100 minutes

- The cover art for the DVD must be as vague as possible and must feature Giamatti and one other character laughing in soft-focus

- Giamatti will be nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Actor - Comedy or Musical, even though the only "comedic" thing that happens in the film is one Giamatti bug-eyed reaction to someone vomiting

- At least two of the main characters in the film must have gone through at least one divorce

- Estranged children

- Giamatti's character must have difficulty managing his emotions

- Giamatti's character must suffer physical harm or illness

- Giamatti's character must achieve some small sort of redemption, despite being entirely unlikeable (after his character dies is acceptable)

- The film must have Giamatti's character's shlubby name in the title. For example: Frank Loses Touch, or The Problem With Phil, or Tony's Got a Problem, etc.