The 9 Questions Answered By 'The Net.'

Seventeen years after its release in theaters, I finally got around to watching The Net over the weekend. And I'm telling you, Sandra Bullock has taught me so much about the Internet. I came in with a prepared list of questions that I hoped it would answer for me, and this movie answered nine of them!

Here's what I learned. I hope you learn a little something, too! God bless!

q. is it possible for folks like you & me to play games on computers

A. Absolutely! Here we see Sandra Bullock playing Wolfenstein 3D, which is a game about how useless knives are.

Observe the position of her hands on the keyboard. She is playing the game by pressing nothing but the K key over and over. K is for "kill." She is going to win.

q. is the web TRULY a virtual marketplace when you really think about it

A. Took the words right out of my mouth! The web is TRULY a virtual marketplace, when you really think about it. You can order anything from plane tickets to pizza!

If you find yourself doubting the realism of this film, please note how not-that-different the actual pizza.net looks in the year 2012:

q. are there all kinds of swell folks just like you & me that you can meet on the web

A. No.

q. what happens when you get a v.i.r.u.s.

A. It's important to keep on the lookout for V.I.R.U.S.es, as many of them can pose a threat to your computer. This is the V.I.R.U.S. Sandra Bullock encounters at the beginning of the film.

If this happens, simply reboot your computer by hitting CTRL+ALT+DELETE -- or, as I like to call it, "hacker's worst nightmare." Using this trick to keep your P.C. safe and thwart their efforts to take over your computer is sure to make hackers all over the web wake up in a cold sweat.

q. what if your picnic fails to live up to expectations

A. Jiminy Christmas, what a crummy picnic. You should probably just go ahead and

OH NO DON'T DO THAT, IT WASN'T THAT CRUMMY!! JESUS

q. what is the best way to learn about hijackings

A. If you're in an airport terminal, look for the nearest "arrivals/departures" monitor.

If your plane is scheduled to be hijacked or crash, do not board that plane. Either go home, or shop the airport for souvenirs that you can buy and then sell for big buck$ on the 'net.

q. what happens when you delete files

A. The computer's display becomes distorted and fuzzy.

This is because your computer's data actually exists inside of the pixels on the monitor. The tower, which does not actually contain any computer parts, folds out into that G.I. Joe base you always wanted as a kid.

q. what's so good about the net, why can't i just get in my plane and fly florpydisks of data to other folks like you & me

A. If you try to do that, this will happen.

q. should i try to solve my internet problems by crashing into a rocky outcropping via wayward dinghy

A. NO

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA

Questions The Net did not address:

• is business booming on the net
• is it true about bursting the dot-com bubble
• what happens if you type the letter R while online
• are there all kinds of things you can see & do on the net
• are more & more folks using the net every day