The Most Ominous Possible Objects To Be Found Out By The Garbage And Marked For Bedbug Infestation.

- A flatscreen television.

- A gallon of milk.

- A mounted ocelot head.

- A vinyl copy of Smiley Smile by The Beach Boys (bedbugs ate through the grooves and now it sounds like Korn).

- A galosh (singular).

- A wedding ring, sealed in a Ziploc bag with packets of silica gel.

- A waterbed mattress that, for reasons undetermined, is lumpy.

- A cardboard box full of unopened bottles of Heineken. One of them combusts and shatters at roughly five-minute intervals. No beer inside.

- A disembodied Teddy Ruxpin head with a mouth that, silently and very slowly, opens and closes of its own accord.

- A copy of Charles Barkley's Shut Up And Jam!, inseparably fused to a Game Genie and fitted with a wallet chain.

- A partially shredded leg cast, signed by a class of fourth-graders, over which GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT is crudely scrawled in giant letters.

- A paperback copy of Mein Kampf, the back cover of which is glued to the front cover of 2004 Tuff Stuff Baseball Card Annual Price Guide so as to be read as a single book.

- A suspiciously light tin of sardines.