Putting On Airs: High-Class Advice For Normal People.

"Low class." You've probably heard that a time or two, haven't you, fella? "Uncultured." "Lowbrow." "Ignorant." The words hurt. I know it as well as you do.

I used to be like you. Uncouth, undignified. I used to be scared to try to approach the world of high culture, and I'm better off for it. Once I solidified myself as a man of finer tastes, I made it my mission to share what I've learned with people who were once like me. Please enjoy these handy hints, and I have no doubt that you'll soon be putting on "the Ritz!"

(Your first tip: "the Ritz" is actually a famous hotel somewhere. Don't think you're referring to the name-brand and delicious buttery crackers!)

Let's get started with your first lesson:

Don't get fooled by confusing terminology.

For some reason, the people who invented "high culture" think it's fancy to call ordinary things by weird names. Here's a handy guide to some terms or words you may come across, and what they mean.

Aromatherapy: like a Glade Plug-In, but more relaxing

Béchamel Sauce: white sauce (pasta)

Bolognese Sauce: red sauce (pasta)

Churro: this is just long cinnamon toast

Classical Music: the kind with violins, but no words

Croissant: a bigger, oranger Pillsbury crescent roll

Cubism: IMPORTANT: don't get this confused with "Q*Bert!" It's actually painting using squares instead of straight lines. Weird, I know

Dadaism: I still don't know what this is

Dust Jacket: that protective, glossy wrapper that comes on hardcover books

Genre: You know how one thing is a sit-com, but another thing is a cartoon, and still another thing is watching sports on TV or something? That's a genre

Mousse: Jell-O pudding, but not as tasty

Opera: Like Hee-Haw, but without the funny, talking parts. Wait, that's no good. It's like "The Grand Ole Opry" but with nicer clothes and fewer banjos

Stromboli: a hot pocket

Zen: that feeling about 10 seconds before you realize you're watching the TV with your mouth open

That should be enough to get you started for now. It's the first step on a long journey, but as I think I've made clear by now, it might not be as difficult a voyage as you'll expect. You'll be a regular Edward G. Rockefeller in no time!

Join me next time when I break down how to be a "Sharp Dressed Man," just like ZZ Top.