My fellow Americans: Last night, you likely saw me and the president on your television, hashing it out over a great many issues that I know affect each and every last one of you. Though we have a great many differences of opinion, I appreciated the president's candor and passion in our debate. However, I have been troubled by the reaction among the press and chattering class to a certain comment I made about having "binders full of women" while looking for candidates for my cabinet as governor of the great state of Massachusetts.
Do I care about women? Let me tell you, friends, my wife is one. Now how's that for a ringing endorsement, huh? In all seriousness, let's give it up for Ann, folks. Isn't she just a gem? Now, Ann and I made a choice many years ago that I'd bring home the bacon if she kept it sizzling back at the dude ranch--that's our fun little name for the Romney house. But I see absolutely no reason why the fine women that make up the better half of this country we all love can't have it all. Yes, you can put in a full day's work down at the office or the coal mine or Woolworth's or whathaveyou and still make it home in time to make a nutritious dinner for a hungry hubby and a brood of apple-cheeked children. I just think it's wonderful, the way you gals rush around with your little pantsuits and your big ideas and still make it home to ring that dinner bell. You truly are our future.
So yes, I take umbrage with the idea that my comments about keeping a binder full of women were out of line. I support every woman's right to ring the dinner bell after a long day at the rat race. Meatloaf, pot roast, why, even the dreaded--ulp!--tuna surprise--ha ha!--they will all be welcome guests at every American dinner table when I am president of this fine country, and get this, my friends: They will be cooked by our working mothers. Now compare that to the America envisioned by the president, who has thus far said nothing about ensuring that women will be able to leave work no later than 4:45 in order to get home and cook dinner. Your choice is clear.
That's why I'm making this pledge to you, America: I promise to you that if you elect me to lead this great country, not a single woman in all the land will be in any of our offices or our fine retail establishments or our small businesses after 5 o'clock P.M. on the noodle. No, America, you will not see a woman in your workstations or on the streets, or indeed anywhere at all, other than in the family kitchen, doing what she does best: filling a casserole with chicken, breadcrumbs, cream of mushroom soup, and, oh, I think just a little TLC.
My friends, I care so deeply about this issue that I am introducing it as the sixth point in what is now my six-point plan for winning the future. You've heard that old saw, "a chicken in every pot?" Well, friends, that much I can guarantee, because when I am president, every wife and mother in the country will be tending to those chickens. To that point, you know, there may actually be one thing I misstated in last night's debate. When I was governor of Massachusetts, and again when I ran the Olympics, I actually saw not just one binder full of qualified women, but dozens of the things. I'm talking about women with college degrees, even MBAs! Women! Can you imagine, my friends? So trust me when I say that I know firsthand just how capable the ladies of America are. I know in my heart that they are up to the task.
Of course, the other wonderful thing about this aspect of my six-point plan is that with our husbands' and sons' bellies full of mom-approved nutrients, we can gain the competitive edge on countries like China. Our marriages will be strengthened, which in turn will drastically reduce the number of AK-47s and other assault weapons on our streets. And all those law-abiding citizens who justifiably own such weapons for self-defense or hunting will be all the less likely to use them in anger or madness, stabilized, as they'll be, by a good meal.
You know, my opponent has said plenty of misleading things about me during this election season, but perhaps nothing he has said or insinuated has been as untrue as the notion that I don't care about 100 percent of the people in this land that we all love. Well, I'm here to tell you that yes, I do care about every last American. I understand--truly--the agony of every woman in this country, all of whom so yearn to leave the office and cook dinner for their lawfully wedded husbands and the children that they together conceived in wedlock. I care about you, America. Thank you, and God bless.