THE PART OF THE ARTICLE CONCERNING “FORBIDDEN FOREST 3” THAT JON HAS WRITTEN
BY JON
“Forbidden Forest 3” makes me
want to stick my penis up a girl hole and
...
run forres
.......
“Forbidden Forest 3” is probably
the scariest game I’ve ever played. In part, this is because you’re this guy
walking through a magical forest full of huge spiders and killer owls. But
mostly it’s scary because it’s a really awful game. Wait, I guess that doesn’t
really make it scary, just awful.
Your are about to enter the forbidden forest!
Collect all the coins and discover the many secrets hidden in this strange land.
You have competition on your quest. Use your bow and arrow to defend yourself. Heal thy-self with the medicine bottles. Run faster using the energy boots. Watch out for spooky specters!
Good luck. You’ll need it…
The game greets you with a menu that uses the same font that was on this customized notepad that my family’s real estate agent gave me when I moved to Louisville as a kid. Real estate agents are a very strange breed of people. She gave me this great big packet of stuff, and told me that she knew that moving was hard for a kid to do, but that she was pretty sure that this stuff would help. So I opened it. Inside were three lollipops, a list of FUN PLACES TO GO that were on the other side of the city, a sheet of FABULOUS FACTS ABOUT THE KENTUCKIANA AREA, and a customizable stationary notepad that had “PROPERTY OF JOHNATHAN” printed at the top of all the pages. It was supposed to be spooky, and at the corners of the paper it had lightning bolts and vampires and shit. But I would have felt like a complete fagface if I used them to write to my friends. Determined not to waste perfectly good paper, I started to make paper airplanes out of them. I got to about the third one when I stopped. I sat there contemplating things for a while, sitting Indian-style on the hardwood floor of my vacant, empty bedroom, surrounded by my lollipops and stationary paper, six hundred miles away from my friends. I softly crumpled up the paper and wept into it. This is an article about “Forbidden Forest 3.”
I got this game a couple of weeks
ago at the Radio Shack. When I first started working at the store I’m at about
two years ago, we were selling this game for ten bucks. There were two copies
of the game in-store then. Those same two copies, despite our best efforts to
get rid of them via a counter display and clearance table, never sold, and
finally the powers that be took them out of the computer, meaning that they were
no longer a sellable product. I can see why; after playing the game, I would
have an easier time selling
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
JOKE TIME
The best way I can describe the gameplay experience is Hyrule Field from Zelda:
The Ocarina of Time, with the following differences:
- One shitty weapon: a bow with unlimited arrows.
- No story or agenda, other than to shoot anything that moves.
- Replacement of brilliant Nintendo soundtrack with a 30-second MIDI that loops endlessly.
They even do the night/day effects like Zelda did. The thing is, the geniuses at Nintendo didn’t make the game pitch black at night, so you could still play. No such luck in Forbidden Forest 3. The game is painfully easy during the daylight hours, but once night falls it’s pretty much just two minutes of randomly running into things and getting eaten by huge spiders.
Whenever you kill a spider, it reads “MISSION COMPLETE” at the top in that shitty personalized-stationary font, and you keep walking for another seven seconds until you get attacked by yet another spider. It’s sort of like playing a pinball machine – it takes like 30 seconds to complete a mission. That’s why they can never make a pinball game based on the show 24. It would take you like three minutes to get to Season Eight, where Jack goes around and frees bears and raccoons caught in hunter’s traps, and removes plastic beer-can rings from ducks’ beaks.
The worst part of this game is at
the end of a level. A midi plays that’s straight off the soundtrack of Leisure
Suit Larry, and your guy starts busting these dancing moves out of nowhere. I’m
pretty sure that at least 50% of the programmer’s allowance budget was
spent on choreographing this. It took no longer than three days to program
this, and that’s only because his mom made him go to bed his wife wanted
him home for dinner. I bet that he got an A+ in freshman computer class
is an adult!
To conclude, the moving process is a heart-wrenching experience as a child, and you should rummage through the dumpster behind your local Radio Shack for a free copy!
-Jon
AIM: Boiskov