LieutenantDaniels: Now, you're probably wondering why I signed both of you today.

lofton_out_loud: Because we are baseball players and it is your job?

SmokeSomeGagne: because i can provide an invaluable clubhouse presence while lying in a hospital bed with a sling around my arm and a goddamn air cast on my ding-dong

LieutenantDaniels: Well, as you know, Eric, your body is an injury-prone wreck. You're like if a car that broke down easily were a fat guy instead of a car.

LieutenantDaniels: However, despite the listless limbs that God cruelly leaves hanging from your frame and flailing in the breeze like windsocks, you're an impact player and a name I couldn't pass up.

SmokeSomeGagne: so what, i'll just have another ligament replacement surgery

LieutenantDaniels: I've looked into it already. Cadavers, the Global Organ Bank, grave robbing, the works. You've exhausted the world's supply of ligaments.

LieutenantDaniels: Kenny, that's where you come in.

lofton_out_loud: No.

LieutenantDaniels: All right, I figured you might say that. I've got an alternative that allows Mr. Gagne to reclaim his pitching potential and the 2007 Rangers to succeed as a team without arranging for a hooker to slip you a roofie and leave you to awake hours later in a bathtub filled with ice and "YOUR LIGAMENTS ARE GONE CALL 911" scrawled crudely on the wall in your own blood.

lofton_out_loud: I'm listening.

LieutenantDaniels: Eric Gagne is going to wear you.

lofton_out_loud: what

LieutenantDaniels: Yep. Have you seen Eric's uniform? He's a big guy, but his jersey is still roomy enough to fit Al Borland's mom. You'll easily be able to squeeze in and act as his arms and legs.

SmokeSomeGagne: i'm jazzed by this good idea, let's give it a try

lofton_out_loud: You're joking, right?

LieutenantDaniels: Ring ring ring! Oh, who could that be?

/extends pinky and thumb to form imaginary telephone receiver

Oh, hello, Mr. Bowden! Oh yes, Mr. Bowden! I'm sure Kenny Lofton would be a great fit in the Washington Nationals' outfield!

LieutenantDaniels: What's that you say? You want him to DH? Did you know that there is no DH in the National League? Okay, just checking! Sounds great, Mr. Bowden! I will gladly trade him for $150 million and rights to rename your stadium the Kenny Lofton Has No Market Value Sports Complex! No! Oh no, I'm sure he won't mind! Robert F. Kennedy is deader than Kenny Lofton's status as a valuable commodity!

lofton_out_loud: /sigh

SmokeSomeGagne: so how'd you sleep

lofton_out_loud: Well I was going to suffocate until I managed to locate that giant pocket of air between your man-boobs.

SmokeSomeGagne: ah, the ol' gagne fjords have saved the lives of many a smothered, sexually desperate damsel

lofton_out_loud: I'm going to go ahead and vomit if that's cool