Reporter: Mr. Eisenreich! Congratulations on your induction to the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame.

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: Thanks. I never imagined I'd be here.

Reporter: We all know that you overcame your struggle with Tourette's Syndrome to put together a successful major league career. How did you do it?

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: Well...it's quite a story...

/gazes off into distance

**OnlineHost** You have entered the 1987 Kansas City Royals chatroom.

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: /sits alone in corner of clubhouse

/twitches nervously

Bo_Knows: Has anybody tried talking to him?

Tar-Baby: I did the other day. The guy can't get two words out. I think he was trying to make a joke about how it was funny that Kurt Stillwell is named ironically because he can't steal bases well.

WhiteFrankly: If a man can't make a joke about Kurt Stillwell without hesitation, you know something's wrong about him.

Bo_Knows: I know. I just...don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't know why he's here. There has to be some reason he's here.

PECOTA: NOTHING IS WITHOUT! MEANING! THE LORD GOD IS NOT AN IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER; RATHER; AN ARCHITECT OF THE DIRT AND STARS!

Tar-Baby: Go talk to him, Bill. Maybe you can find out more.

PECOTA: INDEED! I WILL

/walks over

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: /looks up timidly

PECOTA: /hunches down

YOUNG MAN, WHAT! DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE WORTH. WHAT! TROUBLES YOU!

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: i-

i have dreams

t-terrible dreams

PECOTA: /squints into soul

DREAMS OF WHAT? DREAMS? OF WINGED CREATURES? STALKERS? OF JOY; OF LIFE???

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: /puzzled look

why...why y-yes

PECOTA: /strokes moustache

WHEN! DID YOU SUFFER YOUR MOST RECENT OUT!!!

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: um

i hit the ball to right c-center

steve b-balboni was trying to advance from first a-and i tripped over his beached carcass halfway to s-second

i w-was helpless and at the m-mercy of henry cotto's tag

PECOTA: /face grows pale

/jolts upward

IT IS THERE; THAT WE SHALL DIG! FETCH! THE SHOVELS!!!

Bo_Knows: What is it, Bill?

PECOTA: A TERRIBLE EVIL! A HORRIBLE PUSTULE BELOW THE EARTH; POISED TO WREAK EMBARRASSING HORROR UPON HER FAIR COMPLEXION!!!

PECOTA: WE MUST TO BURROW BELOW THE TURF! WE MUST TO FIND THE HORRORS BELOW!!! AND OXYCUTE THEM!!!!!

Bo_Knows: What the fuck are you talking about? Are you crazy?

Tar-Baby: He's right! Can't you feel it in your bones? The evil that's been gathering below?

WhiteFrankly: I've...I've felt it too.

PECOTA: BO KNOWS! HE'S NOT A FOOL! BO KNOWS! NOW GRAB THY TOOL!!!

/tosses bat

Bo_Knows: /catches bat

This is unfamiliar. Bo...does not know. Bo only feels. This isn't right.

PECOTA: YOUR MODERN MATHS! DO NOT APPLY! NOW FIGHT WITH ME; BROTHER; FIGHT YOU ALL WITH ME!!!

**OnlineHost** Days later, several miles below the Earth...

Tar-Baby: /stabs demon through chest with splintered Louisville Slugger

It's finished...for now. There are more ahead, and we all know it.

Bo_Knows: /rips sharpened triceratops bone from left hip

PECOTA: HOW MUCH LONGER CAN THE BO! SALLY FORTH?

Bo_Knows: For as long as Bo needs to.

PECOTA: AND HOW? IS THE EISENREICH?

WhiteFrankly: I can carry him for as long as I need to, but he's not looking well.

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves:

c-c-cold

s-so cold

PECOTA: HE CAN SENSE! WHAT WE CANNOT!

WHAT CALAMITY; WHAT STRIFE LAY AHEAD????

Tar-Baby: Wait. Did anyone hear that?

whineglass: /flap flap flap flap

WhiteFrankly: I heard it! It's coming from over there!

whineglass: /flap flap flap flap

Bo_Knows: Where's it coming from?

PECOTA: ...

WhiteFrankly: ...

Tar-Baby: Well, whatever it is, it's gone.

whineglass:

WRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves:

AAAAHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

PECOTA: BE-GONE!!!

whineglass: i ' m i n t e r e s t e d

i n o b t a i n i n g

a c o n t r o l l i n g s h a r e

o f y o u r b a s e b a l l f r a n c h i s e

whineglass: w o u l d y o u l i k e t o

r e l o c a t e t o

s t . p e t e r s b u r r r r g

Tar-Baby: Never!

whineglass: i t h i n k i ' l l

r e n a m e y o u s o m e t h i n g

d u m b l i k e t h e

r i v e r c a a a a a a t s

Bo_Knows: NOOOOOOO

whineglass: i w i l l u s e t h e

e n t i r e s a l a r y c a p t o s e c u r e

a f i f t e e n - y e a r d e a l w i t h

r u b e n s i e r r r r r a a a a a a a

h e e h e e h e e h e e e e e

PECOTA:

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHH!!!!!

**OnlineHost** PECOTA has cleanly fielded whineglass and thrown him into the depths of Hell.

whineglass: Y O U ' L L P A Y

Y O U ' L L D I E A T M Y H A N D S

P E C O T A A A A A A A A A A A A

**OnlineHost** whineglass has left the chatroom.

Bo_Knows: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

PECOTA: THAT!! WAS THE DAVID GLASS! HE WAS CAST FROM HELL; TO CRUELLY WREST FROM US! THAT WHICH WE HOLD! DEAR!

Tar-Baby: How long before he returns?

PECOTA: TEN YEARS; BY WHICH TIME WE WILL ALL HAVE RETIRED! !!

I SUDDENLY FIND MYSELF; LACKING IN HOPE, WONT TO DESPAIR! WHAT MEANING HAVE WE; IF WE MUST FOREVER FIGHT!!! FOR WHAT IS OURS!

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves:

hey...

Hey guys!

PECOTA: /turns

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves:

My stutters! My tics! They're gone! I'm normal! I'm cured!

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves:

Bill, you did it. You fixed me!

Bo_Knows: /smiles

PECOTA: /weeps with joy

**OnlineHost** You have entered the present day chatroom.

Reporter: Sir? Mr. Eisenreich?

Reporter: How did you overcome your Tourette's syndrome?

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: Um.

...

GetOffUrEisenreichTheLeaves: Pills. Buttloads and buttloads of pills.