JetersNeverProsper: /bursts into hardware store

shopkeeper: Mr. Jeter! What can I do for you, friend?

JetersNeverProsper: I need to barricade my door. Give me some 2x4s and some nails. As quick as you can, please.

shopkeeper: Sure.

/sets supplies on counter

JetersNeverProsper: /looks nervously outside windows

Get me, uh, get me some padlocks too.

shopkeeper: Well, okay...I'm out of combination locks, but I do have some key locks.

JetersNeverProsper: No, damn it, those won't work.

shopkeeper: Sir, I have to ask. What is going on here?

JetersNeverProsper: /looks up at TV

mayor_may_not: ...and on behalf of the City of New York, I'm proud to reward your historic 500th home run with a key to the city!

homosexual_rod: THANGKS MR. MAYOR

/camera ominously zooms in toward face

homosexual_rod: /looks into lens, mouths "NOW JOO CANNAH HIDE FROM aRAH"

JetersNeverProsper: Shit. Shit. Shit! I'm too late! God, I'm too late!

shopkeeper: You can make it! Just take everything! Take it and go!

JetersNeverProsper: /runs out of store

shopkeeper: DON'T STOP FOR ANYTHING DEREK

RUUUUUUNN

JetersNeverProsper: /arrives at penthouse apartment, frantically barricades front door

JetersNeverProsper: /collapses on floor, chest heaving

**OnlineHost** A few minutes pass. All is eerily quiet. It's the same home, same furniture, same paint on the wall, yet all is not right. The silence is sporadically interrupted by the click of the thermostat or the sound of water running through pipes in the wall. The ceiling lights project shadows that are somehow now more haunting than they once were.

JetersNeverProsper: /stares at barricaded door, fidgeting

The_Scooter: Hey, kid!

JetersNeverProsper: /jumps

Mr. Rizzuto! Oh God, you're not real! This isn't real! My eyes are playing tricks on me!

/slaps self

Damn it, sweetie pie, get yourself together!

The_Scooter: You're not imagining things, kid. I came back down here to talk to you for a minute.

Why are you holing yourself up here, Jeet? Why are you so scared of A-Rod?

JetersNeverProsper: /sigh

I don't know, it's just too much. He's overbearing, he's controlling, he's demanding...I had to break it off a while back, but he won't give up.

JetersNeverProsper: Now he has a key to the city. I'm not safe anywhere.

The_Scooter: Do you still love him?

JetersNeverProsper: I do. I can't deny that. We just...it just seems like we're incompatible.

The_Scooter: Kid, that sounds like a load of bull. If you love someone, you love them, and that's it.

JetersNeverProsper: All right, it's not just that. He's a guy, I'm a guy...you know, if this ever got out, we'd be crucified in the media. Our careers would be destroyed.

The_Scooter: None of that should matter. Some people are just born gay. Don't let anyone give you guff for it. Us straight guys have done a pretty good number on romance; you two couldn't possibly do any more to mess it up.

JetersNeverProsper: ...

Maybe you're right. Thanks, Mr. Rizzuto.

The_Scooter: Any time, kid.

Your life on this earth is short and full of amazing things. Get your fill now...

/tips cap, smiles wryly

The_Scooter: ...because there's no buttfucking in Heaven.

**OnlineHost** The_Scooter has left the chatroom.

JetersNeverProsper: /quiet introspection

**OnlineHost** Noises are heard from the other side of the penthouse.

JetersNeverProsper: WHO IS IT?

WHO'S THERE?

JetersNeverProsper: ...

homosexual_rod: JEEEET??/

JetersNeverProsper: Sweetheart?

homosexual_rod: HI PUMGIN!!!

JetersNeverProsper: Oh baby, I missed you so much! God, I've been so stupid!

/warm embrace

JetersNeverProsper: How did you get in!

homosexual_rod: THRU THE BAGCK DOOR SILLY!

JetersNeverProsper: Haha, of course!

homosexual_rod: JOO SEE I USET MY MAGIGKAL KEY TO ENTER YOR BAGCK DOOR

/giggles

JetersNeverProsper: Baby, I love you.

**OnlineHost** A romance has been rekindled, and we see ourselves discreetly out of the chatroom.