**OnlineHost** You have entered the San Diego Padres Clubhouse chatroom.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: /opens can of Dinty Moore beef stew

/scoops out vegetables

TowerOfBabble: David, can I have a moment of your time?

AllsWellThatEndsWells: /uses remainder of stew and lard as spread for jelly donut

Sure, what's up?

TowerOfBabble: We've made the decision to release you.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: /lovingly places stew-saturated donut on plate

What? Why?

TowerOfBabble: Chris Young is coming off the DL and we need to make room for him.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: /garnishes meal with cotton candy and chicken bones

That tall drink of crap? Are you trying to sink this franchise?

TowerOfBabble: The math's pretty simple. He's like half your age, he makes one fourth your salary, he pitches one third of your ERA, he's one tenth your weight and he requires one third of the number of airline tickets required you to fly you around.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: heh well i've got bitches on the side, i never leave town without my hunnies

TowerOfBabble: No, you're just fat is all. Maybe you get close to a woman if your weight displacement tips the plane laterally and throws a stewardess into your lap.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: :(

hmm

/seasons Donut Surprise with cilantro

TowerOfBabble: Stop drowning your problems in spices and seasonings, and face reality. You're done. I'll get you on the next three tickets out of town. Where are you headed?

AllsWellThatEndsWells: I own a ranch in Michigan with Kirk Gibson. Killing things is my other coping mechanism.

TowerOfBabble: Sold. I already made arrangements with the airline to place a cast-iron wheat thresher on the other side of the aisle so that the plane doesn't tailspin laterally into a dive. Hope you're okay with cruising at 75 feet.

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Buckfalls Ranch chat!

KIRK_GIBSON: HEY DUUUUDE READY TO GO SOME HUNTIN

AllsWellThatEndsWells: YEAH DUUUDE I AM READY TO GO SOME HUNTIN

**OnlineHost** AllsWellThatEndsWells wants to directly connect.

**OnlineHost** AllsWellThatEndsWells is now directly connected.

AllsWellThatEndsWells:

BEST PALS

KIRK_GIBSON: BEST PALS

AllsWellThatEndsWells: HEY I SEE A DEER

KIRK_GIBSON: YOU SEE A DEER?!?!/1

AllsWellThatEndsWells: YEP

KIRK_GIBSON: WOOOOOO

AllsWellThatEndsWells: Hey, you're messing up my shot! You'll scare them off!

KIRK_GIBSON: YEEEEAAAAHH

**OnlineHost** KIRK_GIBSON has disappeared into the wilderness.

AllsWellThatEndsWells: damn it

**OnlineHost** Five days later...

KIRK_GIBSON: /hobbles back into view, naked and matted with bloody entrails

AllsWellThatEndsWells: What the fuck

KIRK_GIBSON: THE IMPAHSIBLE HAS HAPPENED/

AllsWellThatEndsWells: Wait, you've got something stuck on your foot. Is that...is that a hunting vest? Did you kill a hunter?

KIRK_GIBSON: /looks down

KIRK_GIBSON: I CAN'T BELIEEEEVE

WHAT I JUST MAULED