**OnlineHost** You have entered the Washington Nationals Clubhouse chatroom.

LadyReporter: Micah, you gave up six runs and nine hits in three innings of work tonight against the Braves. Any thoughts?

IMicahBowieInMyPants: This isn't the first team I've broken out of a slump. I've done it throughout my career.

LadyReporter: So you're basically calling yourself a slumpbuster for other teams.

Okay then, thank you for your time.

**OnlineHost** LadyReporter has left the chatroom

IMicahBowieInMyPants: Welp!

/prepares to snort graphite scratchoff dust from losing Pick 3 ticket

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aight

/takes a bite out of a piece of Twizzler's Pull 'n Peel, horizontally and without discretion

where that reporter bitch at

IMicahBowieInMyPants: She left.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aw fuck brah i was fixin my mitts to asphyxiate a bitch

IMicahBowieInMyPants: Look, uh.

/gestures to razorblade and spent Lotto card

It's been kind of a rough day for me. I don't know if you do this kind of thing, but you're more than welcome.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ye aight brah

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /snort

IMicahBowieInMyPants: /snort

Ohhhh man, this is the stuff. I'm feeling good. Wheeeeeee.

**OnlineHost** IMicahBowieInMyPants has wandered out of the chatroom.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aw fuuuuck

aw man This is good shit

I'm really liking this.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: Wait. What's going on? Where did all this uppercase come from? This isn't right! What the heck?

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: What the heck? I can't say heck! I mean, I can't say heck! I mean, I can't cuss! What the... heck! OH SON OF A MOTHER

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: This losing is some powerful heck! I mean, some powerful bullpucky!

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: OH GEORGE G. WASHINGTON I'M FREAKING OUT

...

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: This "loser" high is some powerful hootenanny! It's like I'm a different person! You know, maybe I'm the way I am because I lack this kind of humility.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: Hmm.

/walks over to clubhouse buffet, fixes a sensible dinner of a turkey sandwich on wheat bread and a sliced apple

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: Ahhhhhh.

This is nice.

DudeYerGettinADelmon: Dmitri!!! Hello, brother!

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: Delmon? But you're in Tampa Bay! You're not really here! You are an apparition; a farce!

DudeYerGettinADelmon: Don't ask such questions! I'm here to enlighten you.

How is feeling like a loser treating you?

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: Uncomfortable. Terrible. Rewarding.

DudeYerGettinADelmon: Think, Dmitri. We both get in trouble with the law. We both play for terrible teams. We are losers in several different contexts, but we never feel that we are. This is what leads you and I to behave like big pains in the neck!

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: You're right! I'm missing that humility, that willingness to introspect and identify my flaws. That's why people like me are bozos!

DudeYerGettinADelmon: Dmitri! Behind you, brother!

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /turns around

LadyReporter: GNASH GNASH GNASH

/lunges at neck with giant hands

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: AAAHH

**OnlineHost** Meanwhile, in the Atlanta Braves' clubhouse...

IMicahBowieInMyPants: Hey you guys!!!

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: What are you doing in here? I swear, you're high every time you come to town. Are you high again!

IMicahBowieInMyPants: High on humility! I told the reporter that my career is plagued by routinely busting other teams' slumps, and it's true!

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: You need to give up that bullshit, dude. I heard what you said to that reporter. If you weren't so fine with losing, you wouldn't say things like that.

IMicahBowieInMyPants: Wooooo!!! I'm a slumpbuster!!!

/begins to undress

COME GET A TASTE

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: oh god

i did never once ask for a literal "slumpbuster"

put your fucking pants back on

Andraeiouandsometimesyw: Hey, speak for yourself. I need this. My batting average is .012 this year.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Shut the fuck up.

Andraeiouandsometimesyw: oh come on

just the butt, just for a second