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**OnlineHost** You have entered the 2003 Devil Rays chatroom. |
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DukesOfHazzard: Gee whiz! Isn't it great to be drafted by a brand new team? We might be the first Devil Rays to ever take the field! Not too many guys can say that! |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: /raids clubhouse pantry
i dont give a shit till i find some teddy grahams |
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DukesOfHazzard: C'mon, Delmon! Aren't you excited? I can't wait to see them put "Elijah Dukes" above my new locker! |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: /finds loose Ramen noodle flavoring packet, pours into bottle of club soda
yeeeah boy try some a this, tastes like fuckin robot blood |
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**OnlineHost** Later... |
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DukesOfHazzard: Ahh, a nice day at the beach! |
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DukesOfHazzard: Wait! Those four women walking closely together don't have any clothes on!
Oh no, this is a nude beach! I can't be seen here, I'm a professional ballplayer! I have a reputation to uphold. |
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DukesOfHazzard: /trips over sand castle
OOF |
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**OnlineHost** The force of the trip has caused DukesOfHazzard's swim trunks to fly off. |
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**OnlineHost** DukesOfHazzard has landed awkwardly on top of those four women he was just talking about. |
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WomansBelly1: blooomp! |
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WomansBelly2: blooomp! |
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WomansBelly3: blooomp! |
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WomansBelly4: bloooooooOOMP! |
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DukesOfHazzard: Oh gosh! I'm shocked and overwhelmed in a "Baby Blues" or "For Better Or For Worse" sort of way! I'll just have to step up to the situation and raise the best kids I can! |
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**OnlineHost** Later... |
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LadyCop: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to arrest you six different times. |
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DukesOfHazzard: Aw nuts, what for? |
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LadyCop: Six counts of jaywalking. |
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DukesOfHazzard: But there was a farmer who had to carry two pigs, two foxes, and two sacks of grain across the street, and he couldn't leave the pigs alone with the grain or leave the foxes alone with the pigs because they'd get eaten! |
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LadyCop: That is a regrettable situation! I am still going to have to take you to jail right now. Six times. Get in the police car and I will take you to jail. |
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DukesOfHazzard: Oh no! I'm sure it won't be so bad, though! When life hands you lemons, make lemonade with the lemons you received! |
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**OnlineHost** Later... |
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DukesOfHazzard: Gee, Grandma, I think it's great that you've decided to take in a 17-year-old foster daughter. |
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Stork: /delivers child, tips cap
How do you do, Elijah? Your happy little family just keeps getting bigger! |
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DukesOfHazzard: Wowie zowie!
/throws Gatorade in excitement |
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**OnlineHost** Later... |
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Wife: Whew! Being a middle school teacher sure is hard work. |
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Wife: But Elijah's always good at giving me a pick-me-up. I hope he throws a present my way tonight, like a candy bowl made of glass or an unopened soda can! |
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**OnlineHost** DukesOfHazzard wants to directly connect. |
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Wife: Ooh, a picture message! |
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**OnlineHost** DukesOfHazzard is now directly connected. |
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Wife: /looks at phone
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Wife: /melts |
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children_of_the_classroom: Mrs. Dukes, Mrs. Dukes! Someone's at the door! |
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DukesOfHazzard: /peeks head in door
Heyyyy kiddos! |
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children_of_the_classroom: YAY IT'S MR. ELIJAH
YAAAAYYYY |
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DukesOfHazzard: What's everybody learning today? |
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children_of_the_classroom: LANGUAGE ARTS!!! |
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DukesOfHazzard: Neat! You guys ever play Hangman? See if you can solve these puzzles! |
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DukesOfHazzard: /writes on chalkboard
"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house." |
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Wife: Well look at that? What would Fun Game Fridays be without Mr. Elijah? |
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DukesOfHazzard: /gives wife peck on the cheek
/mimics Superman
Up, up, and awayyyyy!!! |
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children_of_the_classroom: YAYYYY
BYE MR. ELIJAH |
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**OnlineHost** Present day... |
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**OnlineHost** You have entered the Devil Rays clubhouse chatroom. |
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DukesOfHazzard: ...well, sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you! |
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Reporters: /laughter
You really are a joy, Elijah. So tell me-- |
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DukesOfHazzard: Actually, you know what guys, I'm worn out after that game. I think I'm going to play some video games and then hit the hay. |
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Reporters: You-- |
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Reporters: You can't do that. |
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DukesOfHazzard: Well, I hate to be a party pooper, but I really do have to get going. Feel free to come by after tomorrow's game, though! |
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Reporters: FOOL! YOU HAVE INVOKED THE MEDIA MACHINE!
/ground shakes
/spins web of HALF TRUTHS and CHARACTER ASSASSINATION |
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Reporters: NEVER AGAIN SPURN THE MEDIA MACHINE |
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**OnlineHost** Reporters have left the chatroom. |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: /opens up package of Koala Yummies, throws away cookies, licks frosting out of container |
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DukesOfHazzard: Delmon! You've got to help me! |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: get ya ass traded then |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: hop in the shawty brah we goin ta d.c. |
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DudeYerGettinADelmon: oh an like 350 gas stations on the way |
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**OnlineHost** To be continued...
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