**OnlineHost** You have entered the ESPN Headquarters chatroom.

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: Come here, kid.

ESPNtern: yes sir

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: /looks down while clicking pen

/rests chin on hand, drums fingers across upper lip

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: Bonds just hit his 747th home run tonight. What am I going to say?

ESPNtern: you could just say that he hit his 747th home run and show replays of him doing it

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: No, it has to be clever. Every line read from the SportsCenter teleprompter has to be funny, coy, or at the very least, condescending toward the subject matter and viewership.

ESPNtern: well then you could think of something funny to say

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: I would if it weren't for my crippling lack of personality. I've been on SportsCenter for like fifty years, but my actions and demeanor have failed to establishe a positive or negative connotation. I could probably choke out my grandma and she'd just shrug at me.

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: That's why this is your job.

ESPNtern: but it's only my first day i'm supposed to be windexing stuart scott's eyeball, how'm i supposed to come up with something catchy

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: Today's your lucky day. See that door over there? It leads to our Idea Room. Our writers do their best thinking in there. Go give them a visit and see what you can come up with.

ESPNtern: this is the best internship ever!

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: Yep.

/shooes away half-heartedly with arm, sniffs/snorts dismissively

/produces cup-and-ball game from under desk, begins affixing epoxy glue to inside of cup

**OnlineHost** You have entered ESPN's Idea Room chatroom.

ESPNtern: whoooaaaa

**OnlineHost** The Intern is greeted by a truly spectacular sight.

**OnlineHost** The room's walls and floor are a brilliant, textureless white. The ceiling hangs from a great but indeterminate height. The room is bright, but no sources of light are visible.

**OnlineHost** The room is alive with a perplexing, almost rhythmic energy. In one corner, Craig Kilborn sits on a stool, juggling mice. In another, Rich Eisen plays a pinball machine with no bumpers, rails or lights.

stone_cold_steiner: /puffs Stogie

Hey, kiddo!

ESPNtern: hey

stone_cold_steiner: Hold that thought.

**OnlineHost** Charley Steiner appears to be playing a three-dimensional variant of billiards with the balls suspended in mid-air.

stone_cold_steiner: /lines up 8-ball

Corner pocket, sixth dimension.

/takes shot

**OnlineHost** The ball floats a few feet across the room and dematerializes.

Hope2ContainMe: Shenanigans!

stone_cold_steiner: /licks finger, tallies weightless dark matter on imaginary scoreboard

ESPNtern: neat!

stone_cold_steiner: /takes Stogie out of mouth

How can we help you, kid?

ESPNtern: um steve levy sent me to figure out what kind of witty reference he should make in regards to barry bonds hitting home run number 747

stone_cold_steiner: Hmm.

Hope2ContainMe: Hmm.

Hope2ContainMe: Flight 747?

stone_cold_steiner: Perfect!

**OnlineHost** stone_cold_steiner wants to directly connect.

**OnlineHost** stone_cold_steiner is now directly connected.

stone_cold_steiner:

Hope2ContainMe: Ahhh yes.

/scrawls "FLIGHT 747" on scrap of parchment, ties it to an arrow, and shoots it toward the heavens

ESPNtern: wait i don't get it

you might be talking about the mass-manufactured "boeing 747", but i don't believe that "flight 747" is a reference to anything in particular

Hope2ContainMe: Sure it is! I'm sure there's been a flight number 747 at some point in the history of commercial aviation!

ESPNtern: well yeah but following that logic you could use that reference with any given home run of any given player

Hope2ContainMe: agghhhh you're stressing me out

Larry, the Claw, please.

BeilOrNoBeil: /stares at the Intern without expression, pulls lever

**OnlineHost** A giant claw slowly descends from great heights, snares the Intern, and slowly hoists him to places unknown.

ESPNtern: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH

/teleported to 11th century France, lives out remainder of life as humble blacksmith

**OnlineHost** Meanwhile, the previous morning...

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: /steps outside to smoke a cigarette

What's this?

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: /flattens out bit of parchment rolled up inside pack of Marlboros

"FLIGHT 747."

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: /grins

Thanks, fellas!

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: Wait. That doesn't make any sense.

TookMyStevyToTheLevy: ohhh wait because airplanes

i'm good at espn