**OnlineHost** You have entered the New York Yankees Front Office chatroom.

ILOVECASHMAN: Miller, you're out. We're a month into the season and Wang, Mussina, Pavano, Karstens and Hughes have all been hurt. Our pitching is completely shot. As the strength and conditioning coach, you're the one who has to take the fall here.

MartyPants: You can't be serious. I can only do so much. Fate had a lot to do with this.

ILOVECASHMAN: We actually just fired fate. And God.

MartyPants: I'm flattered by the company I share, but this is still ridiculous.

ILOVECASHMAN: Well, you're the guy who's supposed to say "hey guys remember to stretch", and "ok stretch time over". What was the problem?

MartyPants: Well...

**OnlineHost** You have entered the Three Weeks Ago chatroom.

MartyPants: Jeter, these injuries in the pitching staff are killing me, but all the hitters seem to be staying healthy. I mean, you almost never get injured. How do you guys do it?

JetersNeverProsper: Well, we, uh...

This will sound pretty weird.

MartyPants: Out with it. If I don't figure something out, Steinbrenner's gonna have my ass.

homosexual_rod: TELL IM HE CAN HALVE MY ASS ANY TIME

JetersNeverProsper: God! Stop this. Just stop.

JetersNeverProsper: Anyway, before games we give each other horsie rides.

MartyPants: Horsie rides.

JetersNeverProsper: Yeah. Seems to stretch us out pretty well. It used to be just Alex and I, and then Matsui started laughing and clapping and calling us "John Wayne cowboys", and before long everyone got in on the act.

MartyPants: I--

Well, all right, I'll talk to the pitching staff about it. I can't lose this job or it's back to my old workplace safety video role as "guy with pencil stuck in neck".

**OnlineHost** You have entered the Yankees Bullpen chatroom.

MartyPants: Oh, hey Kyle! I was hoping you could help me with something.

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: /throws baseball with bat donut fitted around it

witf do you want from kyle "three fingers" farnsworth

MartyPants: Listen, we have a major problem here. The pitchers won't stop getting hurt. I know you warm up by ripping "deaf child at play" signs out of the ground and bending them between your thighs, but you're like the only guy in the world who can do that.

MartyPants: I was talking to our position players, and they seem to have found a great stretching exercise. They give each other, uh...

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: /glares

MartyPants: they uh

MartyPants: oh god i can't do this

**OnlineHost** MartyPants has left the chatroom

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: /shrugs, turns up Puddle of Mudd cassette on boombox

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: i love a wayyyy you look at mayyy i love a wayyy ya stack my glaaassss

/swings three baseballs taped together

hughlesless: Hey Kyle, Coach says I'm gonna be great! I know this sounds crazy, but as long as I stay healthy I bet I could pitch a no-hitter!

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: knowed her i nearly killed her

hughlesless: Heh heh! Heh! Hey you mind helping me warm up? Know any good stretching exercises?

pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: say no more rook this ones callt the "castle kingside"

/hoists fireman-style, shot-puts into wall