bobby-coxer: We have a problem.

SchuerholzInCharge: What, is Hampton's elbow hurt again?

bobby-coxer: Yeah, actually.

SchuerholzInCharge: Damn it! That was supposed to be the throwaway gag! You were supposed to say "no, some sports blog has photos of Edgar Renteria drinking an alcoholic beverage and here is a link" or something.

bobby-coxer: This is bad news. He's going to be out for the season, which means that even if he somehow doesn't get injured again between now and Spring Training 2008, he will have gone almost three years without throwing a single pitch.

SchuerholzInCharge: Jeez. So what do you want to do?

bobby-coxer: Put him by the vending machines, maybe? He produces cans of Diet Rite if you stick quarters up his nose.

SchuerholzInCharge: I just can't believe that piece of junk ate my $14.5 million again.

Hampton, what do you have to say for yourself?

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: SOLD

SchuerholzInCharge: What?

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: OUT

SchuerholzInCharge: fucking piece of junk

/bangs with fist

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /craps out bag of Funyuns

SchuerholzInCharge: all right, I paid for some wins and I'm going to get them. Bobby, you're the lookout. Make sure no one's coming.

/spits on hand

/thrusts arm up Hampton's butt hole

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:

SchuerholzInCharge: Okay, here we go.

bobby-coxer: Well, what'd you get?

SchuerholzInCharge: Let's see...three bases on balls, two packages of peanut butter crackers, and some shit pebbles.

SchuerholzInCharge: It's no use. My arm's just not long enough, I can't reach far enough to get anything that's not toward the bottom.

**OnlineHost** edward_langerhans has entered the chatroom.

edward_langerhans: Hey guys, what's going --

/sees John Schuerholz with his arm elbow-deep up Mike Hampton's butt

worst thing i've ever fuckin seen

bobby-coxer: Langerhans! Maybe you can help us out. Hampton's hurt but we're trying to get some wins out of him. I need you to reach your hand up there and see if you can grab something.

SchuerholzInCharge: Yeah. After all, you do have "longer hands"

edward_langerhans: lol

i mean no

bobby-coxer: Langerhans. Longer hands. Come on, kid. I just sent Ben Buttreach down to AAA, you're our best shot.

edward_langerhans: All right, fine.

/shoves arm up Hampton's ass

/makes the kind of face you only make when you're shoving your arm up a guy's ass

edward_langerhans:

rrrrrgggghhhh

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:

edward_langerhans:

nyyeeeerrrrrr

O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:

edward_langerhans: /pulls hand out

whew

bobby-coxer: Well?

edward_langerhans: Let's see what we have here...

edward_langerhans: All I managed to get was some innings pitched, a pack of that weird trail mix with the dried yogurt in it, and some poop nuggets.

bobby-coxer: Damn it. I should have known this was going to be a waste of time.

**OnlineHost** parontosaurus has entered the chatroom.

parontosaurus: whutcha guys doun

edward_langerhans: Forget it. What the hell, man. You hungry?

parontosaurus: YES

edward_langerhans: Well, I managed to pull some stuff out of there. Help yourself.

parontosaurus: ooh i love those things

/eats innings

edward_langerhans: Come on, man. I know you're still hungry.

parontosaurus: yah

parontosaurus: /looks at weird trail mix with the dried yogurt stuff in it

/gets-shifty-eyed

parontosaurus: i uh

/noisily devours loose stool