**OnlineHost** You have entered the Kansas City Royals Spring Training chatroom.

**MikeSweeney** Hey, coach. What's going on?

BuddyIcon : Mike! Great to see you. Expectations are pretty low around the clubhouse this year, so I put together kind of a team-building exercise. Everyone's playing fantasy baseball.

**MikeSweeney** Oh yeah? Where are you playing it?

BuddyIcon : Yahoo, of course. I'm not paying for a fantasy league.

BuddyIcon : Once you start paying for the privilege of fantasizing over the numerical values of twentysomethings in baseball caps running around a field, your freckle-faced inner seven-year-old, still dressed in his Little League uniform with eye black on his cheeks and ice cream money in his pocket, crawls down your abdomen and strangles himself with your colon.

BuddyIcon : Anyway, I thought I'd put a little twist on things. To boost spirits, everyone's going to build their teams out of Royals players.

**MikeSweeney** Are, uh...are you sure that's a good idea?

BuddyIcon : Sure! It'll be great! Let's see how our guys are doing.

/opens door to clubhouse

How goes it, team?

duckworth: this is bullshit, my yahoo rank is 976

HTEmil: yeh i'm 296, fuckin francisco liriano is ranked above me and there a .05 percent chance he might come back for one game

who'd pick that busta before me

duckworth: i did

HTEmil: i will chop you in the fuckin throat

DontAskDotel : Seriously, coach, this is making everyone feel like crap. Terrible idea.

OhNoYouTeahen: Hey guys, check it out! At #109 I'm the best player on the team!

DontAskDotel : Wow! Now I'm glad we traded Carlos Beltran for you! Just shut the fuck up.

HTEmil: hey how has nobody picked sweeney yet? i'm a pick him right now

**MikeSweeney** Um...

HTEmil: de-bo suckas

oh wait

wait he's uh...he's number 976

...right behind gerald laird

OhNoYouTeahen: ...

**MikeSweeney** I wish you guys didn't have to see that.

BuddyIcon : Guys, I'm sorry. This only served to tear us apart. I wanted to be able to handle this on my own, but...

/whistles through conch shell

**OnlineHost** The roar of a 450cc engine is faint at first, then grows louder...

PECOTA: /busts through wall, wheelies in on bike

YEEEEEEEE! HAAA

HTEmil: PECOTA!

PECOTA: SAVE YOUR UPPER-CASE FOR THE PLAYING FIELD! FRIEND

PECOTA: FANTASY! SHOULD BE SAVED FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT ATTAIN THAT WHICH THEY FANTASIZE

PECOTA: BUT YOU, YOU BEARERS OF THE ROYAL BLUE! DO NOT CONCERN YOURSELVES! WITH NUMBERS OTHER THAN THE FINAL SCORE!

PECOTA: EVEN I! CANNOT COUNT THE PRIDE IN A FAN'S HEART; THE JOY! OF A LOCKER ROOM COVERED IN PLASTIC SHEETS!

duckworth: pffft playoffs? dude we suck, we're lucky if we're not at the bottom of the division

PECOTA: QUACK MR. DUCKWORTH!

PECOTA: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK MR. DUCKWORTH!!!!!!!

PECOTA: YOU DO NOT NEED!!! A MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH! YOU DO NOT NEED!! A POSTER OF A THIRTY-YEAR-OLD KITTEN CLINGING TO A THREAD TACKED ABOVE YOUR LOCKER!!!

PECOTA: YOU! ARE A KANSAS CITY ROYAL; YOU! MUST SHED THE SHEEPISHNESS AND SELF-CONSCIOUS SARCASM OF A CHILD SHOWING HIS STEPMOTHER'S PHOTO AT SHOW AND TELL!!!

duckworth: s-sorry pecota

**MikeSweeney** Thanks, Bill. You always know what to say.

PECOTA: MY! PLEASURE--

/pauses

/puts ear to floor, grimaces

BuddyIcon : What is it, PECOTA?

**OnlineHost** whineglass has entered the chatroom.

whineglass: h e l l o

i t r u s t y o u ' r e
p u t t i n g t o g e t h e r
a w i n n i n g t e a m
w i t h m y m o n e y y y y

BuddyIcon : Y-yes sir, Mr. Glass! All $43,000 of it!

whineglass:
y o u k n o w
w h a t h a p p e n s
i f y o u d o n ' t t t

/holds up Tony Pena's severed head

tony_jr: FATHER

NOOOOOO

/lunges

whineglass:
e h e h e h e h e h e h h h h

/casts energy bolt

**MikeSweeney** /dives in way, absorbs attack

AARRRGHGGGH

**OnlineHost** **MikeSweeney** has grasped whineglass by his horns and hurled him out of the chatroom.

OhNoYouTeahen: You did it, Mike! We're okay!

HTEmil: mike you aight?

mikes_weeney: I...I think so.

Oh god.

HTEmil: oh god

BuddyIcon : Your...your administrator status! Your disparaging screen name! You're...one of us!

PECOTA: THE DAVID GLASS! HAS CAST YOU INTO MORTAL FORM!!! THIS, MUST NOT STAND!

PECOTA: THE MIKE SWEENEY! MUST RECLAIM HIS ROLE ON THIS TEAM! HE MUST REGAIN! HIS STRENGTH AND POST A RESPECTABLE .290/30/100 SEASON BY THE MORN OF OCTOBER 1! ONLY THAT, OR A ROYALS PLAYOFF BERTH! WILL RESTORE YOUR POWER!

mikes_weeney: I'll do it. I...have to do it.

PECOTA: EGADS!; IT ALSO APPEARS AS THOUGH THE JUNIOR TONY PENA HAS BEEN TURNED INTO AN ELF

tony_jr: No, uh, my ears have always been this way.

PECOTA: OH