**OnlineHost** You have entered the Mansion of Heaven Downstairs Lounge chatroom.

DogTheCatfishHunter: ...and that's how I got the name Catfish.

HoweHigh: whoa

so how did the bank teller reattach his kneecap in time

DogTheCatfishHunter: That story's for another night. Who's up for another round of beers?

the_mick: Yeah, get one for me and one for my eternal liver.

What's up, kiddo? You're quiet tonight.

LidleHands: Sorry. I was just reading earlier about how my teammates are going to be wearing armbands this year in tribute to me.

**OnlineHost** The table falls silent.

atll_do_pig: ...

Wow. That's really something special, kid.

LidleHands: I know, I'm pretty amazed by it. I wasn't a Hall of Famer, or even a career player, like any of you guys. And I'm proud of my life and my career, but I never would have imagined I'd get that kind of tribute.

the_mick: That's the kind of thing you'll never forget, you know? You--

**OnlineHost** SwindalTheFans has entered the chatroom.

SwindalTheFans: oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit

the_mick: Uh. Can we help you?

SwindalTheFans: i don't know what's going on, i was driving along and all of a sudden i'm here and

oh shit you're mickey mantle

i'm in heaven aren't i i'm dead oh damn it

the_mick: Just settle down. Let's see your keycard.

SwindalTheFans: okay, uh, yeah

/hands keycard

i don't know what the hell is going on

the_mick: All right, listen. What you have here is a guest pass. You're not staying. You cheated death, in other words.

SwindalTheFans: oh thank god i thought i was dead for sure

LidleHands: Wait a second. I know you. You're George Steinbrenner's son-in-law, right? The guy who's next in line for ownership of the Yankees?

SwindalTheFans: uh yeah that's me

LidleHands: What happened?

SwindalTheFans: well i had a lot to drink and i was driving and totally cut off some lady who turned out to be a police officer

DogTheCatfishHunter: Hahaha, check out that story. They call you "Steinbrenner" in the headline. And you're his son-in-law?

DogTheCatfishHunter: For being the lady in the relationship you sure are a fat bald fuck.

LidleHands: Wait, wait, wait. You were driving drunk and almost killed someone as well as yourself?

SwindalTheFans: yeah whew I totally cheated death! the ol' swindalmeister gets out of yet another sticky situation!

/licks finger, tallies on imaginary scoreboard

LidleHands: ...

SwindalTheFans: hey you're cory lidle! how are ya buddy? you know we're wearing armbands in tribute to you this year?

LidleHands: So I heard.

SwindalTheFans: well cool i'll probably just grab a drink here and i guess i'll be

LidleHands: You know what?

LidleHands: Like I was telling these guys, I was really honored by the gesture. I got emotional about it up here. I wasn't sure if I even really deserved it, but it meant a lot to me all the same.

LidleHands: Now I meet the guy in charge of the whole thing. A guy who's reached a point in his life at which he ought to possess enough maturity to know when to stop drinking.

LidleHands: Now we all do dumb things once in a while, so I can't judge you on that alone. But you're also a man that makes more than enough money to pull over and pay any random asshole $1000 to be your designated driver.

LidleHands: Instead you decide it's a good idea to put not only your life, but other peoples' lives in jeopardy? Nevermind your ability to see outside yourself, because I know you don't have it. Fuck it, do you have any self-respect at all?

LidleHands: If you think you can behave like that, turn around, and assume a solemn face while talking about how much my life meant to you or how much of an inspiration I am, just forget about it.

LidleHands: I'm not going to sit up here and serve as your free pass to act like a selfish child.

...

Get this fat fuck out of my face.

SwindalTheFans: ah god i

god

i just, i'm really sorry

atll_do_pig: Lidle. Listen, kid.

atll_do_pig: When you're up here for long enough, you come to realize things you never thought you would.

atll_do_pig: They're all kids down there. Shortsighted, miserable, kind of stupid. All of them. They swear up and down they won't do things to hurt themselves or other people, and they break their promises all the time.

atll_do_pig: Granted, this guy acted like a piece of shit, but now he feels like it. It's a step in the right direction. Leave the judging to the Big Guy, okay?

LidleHands: Yeah...yeah.

/collects self

Listen. Just promise me you won't do it again. Swear to God you won't.

SwindalTheFans: it's a deal.

atll_do_pig: Now come on. Got time for a drink before you go, fatass? I know you're not driving home.

**OnlineHost** LadyCop has entered the chatroom.

LadyCop: OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS

the_mick: Whoa, whoa, settle down sweetie. He just told us everything that happened. You cheated death too. You're not staying here.

LadyCop: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

DMITRI YOUNG'S DOWN THERE