 |
SpeierMan:
Man, why have I been pitching so badly lately? Seems like everything
that could go wrong IS. |
 |
Ezequiel:
Let me ask you a question. How did you make it to the Major Leagues? |
|
SpeierMan:
I played baseball in college, then I was drafted...then I was traded to
Toronto and now I'm a Blue Jay. |
|
Ezequiel:
But here is the five million dollar question. I'm about to yank your
chain so hard you will not believe how hard your chain has been yanked. |
|
Ezequiel:
Are you a Blue Jay because you play for Toronto, or due to fate and some
vague circumstances have you always been a Blue Jay? |
|
SpeierMan:
expound |
|
Ezequiel:
Baseball teams hope to bridge the gap between man and animal. There are
totemistic forces at work, the same forces that made Eve talk to a snake and made
Egyptians wear animal headdresses. |
|
Ezequiel:
You should understand, you've played many of them. Cardinals and
Marlins, Cubs and Tigers. Look at them, Justin. Look at the pattern. |
|
SpeierMan:
I see... |
|
Ezequiel:
NO, YOU DON'T, NOBODY DOES. You are not the first member of this SPEIER
TOTEM. Consider Chris Speier, All-Star infielder for the Cubs and Giants! |
|
Ezequiel:
Remember young Ryan Speier, brought up to pitch relief for Rockies last year!
You all have a connection to the totem, but you are the REAL DEAL, JUSTIN. |
|
SpeierMan:
Why can't I just play? Wouldn't people prefer to see me honoring my
league's long tradition by winning battles on the field and entertaining the fans? |
|
Ezequiel:
YOU'D THINK THAT BUT NO. I've come to protect you, Justin, because far
more MATURE and CONTROVERSIAL things are coming your way! |
|
Ezequiel:
Nature has a system of checks and balances, and to balance out your great
power the evil MORLAN is coming to kill you! |
|
SpeierMan:
Wait, John Morlan? The guy who pitched for the Pirates in the 70s?
He's coming to kill me?
|
|
Ezequiel:
He is not the John Morlan you loved and remember. He is now extreme and
highly sexualized. And he will stop at nothing to see you dead! |
|
Ezequiel:
Now if you'll come with me I've constructed a technologically-advanced dome
for you to play in, it will protect you from Morlan's advances. I took a lot of time
and |
|
SpeierMan:
pfft no thanks pal this is all too much for me to handle, I'm not going to
stress myself over some guy who might kil- |
|
Morlan:
RAAAAAAH |
|
SpeierMan:
AAAH SHIT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW |
|
Ezequiel:
Sorry J you're SOL |
|
SpeierMan:
UGH, GOD. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME HERE TRYING TO KILL ME. NOBODY
ASKED YOU TO. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE. GO AWAY. |
|
Morlan:
okay okay, no reason to bite my head off |
