mood- bemused
\:Nope!
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/
\:Wow. Just...wow.
\:First off, what's up
with the splash image? I guess it's supposed to be Kris Kross
playing roulette inside of a giant crystal ball which is
shaped like an egg. A point of interest here is the link
to a clip of their hit single, "Tonight's The Night".
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/sounds/tonight.wav
\:It appears as though
these guys couldn't quite recapture their pre-pubescent magic.
They must have tried everything to do so, from inhaling helium
balloons, to wearing hats on their feet and underwear on their
heads, to hacking their legs off at the knees.
Evidently, nothing worked, and they've become two of the most
absolute washups in world history.
\:Here's that infamous
main page.
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/html/kkhmpge.html
\:
"The world is yours
Nigga get it now!!
Get in the game
Do ya thang
Dont stop
Until it's locked down!"
\:Each line links to a
different part of the site. It's a virtual labyrinth of
adolescent gangster-posing and kitsch humor. Kind of a
shame that Kris Kross didn't heed their own words.
Evidently they disappeared from public consciousness because
they failed to properly secure their "thang" to a stationary
object. Perhaps they inadvisably stopped before
completely locking it down to take a breather, and as a result
it floated into the stratosphere of forgotten rap acts.
\:Check out the picture
at the top of the page.
\:Chris Kelly looks to be
battling an inconvenient case of the jock rot. You'd
think that if you were going to pose for your very own
Internet website, you would make a conscious effort to quit
scratching your balls for at least a couple of seconds.
\:Chris Smith is the
fellow on the right who looks like Charlie Brown got bitten by
a coral snake. He successfully completes the overall
motif of the photo, which is looking awkwardly uncomfortable
in oversized clothing.
\:All this is getting me
hyped up about Kris Kross! When, perchance, will they be
coming to MY town?!?
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/html/tourinfo.html
\:It appears that they
only have one date scheduled. They're coming to CITY on
DATE so they can rock VENUE's muffukin roof off!!! Then
again, perhaps a "tour dates" list is sort of redundant, since
they can presumably warp instantaneously to any location in
the Mercator-projected world via refracted laser beam.
\:The Bio page is
truly something to behold.
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/html/personal.html
\:If you click on the
links "What's Up wit' Chris" and "What's Up wit' Kelly" you
will learn that nothing of consequence is up with either.
\:I take pity on any
human who attempts to read that text. Hopefully, for
your sake, you go blind from eyestrain before you get to the
awful meat of the bio. Here are a few gems:
"Like a fine
wine, the Chrises have mellowed with age and so has their
sound. Gone are the shrill, prepubescent cries of euphoria,
Kris Kross now sound unmistakably world-weary and wise."
"They've jumped
on the bandwagon of artists who want more control of their
music by writing and producing two of the eight songs on their
album"
" 'We live hip
hop everyday and that's a lot.' "
\:God Almighty.
Moving on.
\:Suddenly I have an urge
to purchase clothes that were custom-tailored for
fifteen-foot-tall clowns. I'm sure Kris Kross can point
me in the right direction!
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/html/merch.html
\:I was sort of hoping
for a T-shirt that read "HATIN AND PERPETRATIN" sideways and
went down to my figurative ankles. Instead I get a GIF
of two Dale Earnhardt enthusiasts who appear as though they're
about to open fire on a Fellowship of Christian Athletes
meeting as a big-tittied hunchback looks on.
HEY BUDDY, WANNA SELL
A WATCH?
\:Not exactly sure why
Smith is 65 years old in that drawing.
\:Wow, I didn't even
notice this before. Go back to the main page and click
on that picture.
\:http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/KrisKross/html/mackin.html
\:"Mackin' Ain't Easy"?
I took the liberty of figuratively dusting off my figurative
dictionary here.
Mack- (verb) To
hit on, flirt with, or seduce a female by using verbal or
sometimes physical means of persuasion.
\:Yep.
Molesting/abusing women is an arduous task which takes no
small amount of dedication to the craft. The poorly-pixelated
Chrises drive the point home by dancing a jig on their
isometrically-oriented logo.
\:Go ahead,
click it again. All right, motionless Kris Kross has
happened across a sexy lady, and wish to "cut her up"!
"Cut up" is Atlantan for "two guys on one girl".
Unfortunately, my designer's magnum opus was cut short before
he could complete his list of "10 Ways Me And My Homey Plan To
Cut You Up". As if Kris Kross spent hours hunched over a
drafter's table studying a blueprint of her vagina.
\:It's sort of futile to
ask why a particular section of the site exists, since it's
unclear why the site still exists at all. However, I'll
do my best.
What in the fuck purpose does this page serve?
\:This airline ticket is
just completely inaccurate. Among the most notable flaws:
- Kris Kross Airlines
does not exist.
- "Atlanta" is misspelled
in the upper-right-hand corner.
- "CUT UPS ONLY" is sort
of a ridiculous notion, as it is extremely unlikely that an
airline would discriminate against men who prefer not to strip
away a woman's dignity by piling on her two at a time.
- "Form of playment"
should read "Form of payment".
- "Crazy loochie" is
generally not an accepted form of payment. The majority
of airlines require a more conventional payment, such as a
major credit card, to process such a transaction.
- "Where Eva" is not a
valid destination.
- "Neva" is not in the
MM/DD/YYYY format. Jeez, my figurative spell checker is
going crazy here.
\:So includes a hilarious
day of self-discovery. Wow. I'm still laughing.
In the figurative sense.
| 
