CANDY IS DANDY BUT LIQUOR IS ALCOHOL

by Fratboy

Listen up nerds this is Fratboy returning once again to make this website a little bit cooler.  I would also like to say that whoever that faggot is on instant messenger who keeps calling me "Fartboy," why don't you give me your address so I can come to your house and show you what a real man can do.  A real man at your doorstep ready to throw down!!!   Or maybe I will give you my address instead, because I am far too busy navigating the inter course with some fine women to even choose a mode of transportation, much less actually get into a mode of transportation and use it to get to the address you have given me, because like I don't have better things to do than punch a faggot's face!!!

I do a lot of drinking, and when I say I do a lot of drinking I MEAN I do a lot OF drinking.  That's why I'm voting for Mr. President George W. Bush for President this year.  Because he looks like he can down a lot OF beers.  Because he's a real man!  Not like Senator John Kerry.   NOT my senator!  In a few days he will be like the Washington Senators...he will not exist!!!!  Except in Washington.

I also know that VH1, the channel that plays shit like Michael Bolton and Melissa Ethridge instead of GOOD real music like my favorites, rappers like Fabulous and rockers like the Nickleback, do a lot of, countdown, shows, in which, people, make fun of, numbered items.  So I thought hey I am a writer on a website nobody READS, so to please the queers who really CARE about what I HAVE to say, I'm counting down the best kinds of alcohol to drink ON election day!!  and afterward

5.  PBR

Who on this earth doesn't like to down a nice cold pabst blue RIBBON?  It is the blue ribbon winner of first place for beers in the beer competition, which would be awesome to go to, except I've got to take my stupid sister to the armory to vote instead.  and how many days will there be a fucking beer off??  PBR rules because you can down the brewskies at a rapid rate, which is fun to do when you are trying to impress a woman who cares about important shit like the contest placement of your drink.  You think you AV Club faggots are going to get laid drinking C2???  Fuck no, C2 finished second place in the I TASTE LIKE A FLAT COKE THAT IS GETTING DRANK BY SOMEBODY WHO THINKS 2001 IS ACTUALLY A GOOD MOVIE AND NOT A BORING PIECES OF NERD SHIT contest last year.  It didn't even finish first!!  I bet Jon Kerry drinks C2 and then tells everybody he doesn't.  And then he tells everybody he does!!!  What a fucking loser drink!!!

4.  SEAGRAMS WINE COOLERS

If you can get past the fact that these drinks look like they were made in a fairy farm out of Hello Kitty piss you realize you can get pretty wasted if you drink them really fast.  It tastes like somebody took a NIALATER candy and crushed it, and then mixed it up with some syrup and water and slooshed it around inside of a bottle, and then they poured it down your throat.  That is what this drink tastes like.  One bullshit thing about Seagrams though is that it's easy to mix up with other stuff.  I drank like four bottles before I realized I was drinking Triaminic cough syrup and by that time my frat brother Steve had turned into Bo Peep from the nursery rhyme except he was eating baby heads and the spider was black and fucking him.  Even the most LIBERAL SENATOR, who's name just so happens to be Jonathan Kerry, would have to admit that is pretty bad ass.

3.  BOONES FARM

President Bush grew up on a farm, which is something we should remember because farm values are important and mean that the candidate is a normal guy, not some uptight person who grew up inside a regular house structure.  Did you see that episode of the Simple Life where Nicole Richie had to stick her arm way up inside of a cow's asshole??  That was sick!!  I can't believe she did that.  I tell you what man if it didn't look like somebody put a blonde wig and a sparkly tanktop on a Oompa Loompa I would totally fuck Nicole Richie.

2.  this one dog shampoo they sell at petsmart

If liberal senator John Kerry wins the election I am moving to Canada.  That will suck because I don't know if they have Petsmart in Canada, and Petsmart sells this dog shampoo that smells like pineapple that will fuck YOU up!!!  It's in a spray can because I guess that's so you don't have to rub it on your dog's wiener, and you don't have to get that red spear that comes out that makes me want to puke up inside of my mouth.  Who wants to know how dogs reproduce TOO MUCH INFORMATION.  It's also cool to spray this in your friend's eye because it messes him up hardcore and his eyeballs smells like a dog's tropical asshole for like two weeks.

1.  GRAND MARNIER

This is in celebration of baseball season ending, and the breaking of the single season hit record by the most Grand Mariner of all, ICHIRO!!!  I am a diehard Mariners fan from Seattle and I thought it was the best moment in the history of the sport when Ichiro got a single to break the record, and then when he threw it in that old lady's face with some oriental shit.  I thought he was gonna throw a shuriken at her from first base!!!  It was a special moment I will remember forever, just like the Red Sox winning the world series!  The Red Sox have got to be my most favorite team right now, because they won one FOR the little GUYS!!   They only needed like a hundred million dollar payroll to do it.  What a win for the small market!!!  Just like George W. Bush is going to win the election and the college for President, one for the small market little man with a hundred million dollars!

IN CONCLUSION JOHN KERRY SUCKS, I bet your glad I was here to tell you that, now run along and go back to your computer games, like your Halo 2 that I'm sure you're playing!!!!  And if you keep sending me fan mail I might tell you what a boob feels like!!!