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Hello! Today's date is Septuary 5, 4817. Today is Lunar Remembrance Day; Secretary's Day.

Smithsonian home > History > Pre-astrocolonial > Late 20th Century

Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd: The Twentieth Century's Ambassador to Modern Man

written by ╚☻♣☼☼╒, staff curator (╚☻♣☼☼╒@smithsonian.com)

Not much is known about the world of Man that existed just before the Event (circa 2000). Early Man has left us cave paintings, the Classical age offers a statue of a naked guy with a little ding-dong, and of course, every human happening since 2830 is captured in AVO (audio-video-olfactory) documentation. However, the decaying effects of the radiation experienced during the Event, as well as the following mass hysteria of malnourished humans who either sacrificed all testaments to human culture in giant pylons of flame, or simply just got super-hungry and ate them all, have rendered the 1980s and 1990s a silhouetted, likely disproportionate caricature of itself.

For centuries, archaeologists and anthropologists have searched for a missing link to this missing thread in the fabric of Man; a "Lucy" of sorts, if you will. Four years ago, renowned historian/researcher ╪╪╓╫┘██ and his team unearthed one of the greatest discoveries of the last millennium: what is believed, although not empirically proven, to be a 1984 Donruss Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd "rookie card".

EXHIBIT A

Thirty-four other "Oil Can" Boyd pictographs were found along with it, nestled away for eons, just waiting for us to stumble across them. Evidently, Boyd was a deity-like figure, or at least an emperor of some sort, for such a tribute to be given to him. This pictograph, being a "rookie card", was probably most invaluable; ownership of such a card likely indicated high social status, such as governorship of a city-state. Also known as "baseball cards", these pictographs' monetary worth was logged in a periodical known as "Beckett Baseball Card Monthly." While none of these periodicals have been found, and the advertised 1-800 number that offered back issues is long defunct/sold out, they probably looked something like this:

SUPPLEMENTAL EXHIBIT #1

Oil Can Boyd was a "pitcher". Nobody really knows for sure what a "pitcher" does, but a popular school of thought submits that "pitching" is another term for "dismembering one's right arm, rolling one's eyes back in one's head, and doing the splits".

EXHIBIT B

It is understood that "layman" is an obsolete term, since the whole of humanity is free of a social class system and spends its entire life slouching sluggishly in giant bean-bag chairs while wearing virtual-reality headsets, intravenous needles and catheters, but let's pretend for a moment that such a person exists. To the "layman", the following exhibit is nothing more than a semi-intelligible array of pixels.

EXHIBIT C

The modern eye bears no appreciation for aestheticism or an understanding of what makes something visually pleasing. These days we are an efficient, thoughtful people who have resigned long ago not to allow our emotions or opinions to be swayed by mere visual apparitions, hence the bare-bones webpage design you are now enjoying. However, in Mankind's shallow and carefree adolescence, it placed great emphasis on such things. So before we ask questions regarding this "baseball card", such as "Why is 'Red Sox' tilted at a 30° angle?", or "Why would he choose to make such a gawkish, dumbfounded expression if he knew his picture was being taken? Is he a retard?", we must remember that their culture was a far cry from where we are today.

EXHIBITS D, E, F

On the back side of these baseball cards, useful and interesting information such as baseball statistics were printed. To balance it out, many cards also contained tidbits of thoroughly useless pieces of trivia. Exhibit D seemingly assumes that it's safe to print the answer to the trivia question 1/8 of an inch below the question, since it's inconceivable that anyone would possess the ability to read anything upside-down. Exhibit F's query is rather odd. It is unknown whether "Did you know?" is a rhetorical question, or if the entire population of the city-state was expected to know how many complete games Oil Can Boyd pitched. If the latter is the case, it further supports the theory that he was viewed as a king or god of some sort.

Not all trivia on the back of these cards is useless, however. In fact, the following exhibit casts light on the origin of Dennis Boyd's moniker.

EXHIBIT G

This was truly a watershed discovery, as it led historians to re-interpret other known ideas and events of the era. For example, protesters of the American invasion of Iraq shortly before the Event chanted the equivalent of "NO BLOOD FOR BEER", and apparently the movie "Lorenzo's Oil" was about a kid with a rare degenerative brain disorder whose father refuses to just sit there and watch him die, so he buys him a case of Pabst. Fine, you try being a historian.

Perhaps the greatest technological discovery of the lot was the 1986 Sportflics card. Check this out, this is really cool.

EXHIBIT H

Here's the ol' Oil Can mid-pitch.

Okay, okay, check this. Tilt the card down a little bit, and now he's done with his delivery.

Awesome, huh? It's like watching TV, except the TV is one channel, and the TV is broken, and it's a baseball card instead of TV! Now we'll just tilt it a little further and AAAAAHHHHH

FUCKING SHIT HE TRANSFORMED INTO A GIANT HEAD

...

Whew...okay. Okay, we're fine now.

If we don't view the card from an oblique angle, it looks like Giant Ghost Oil Can Boyd is pleased with his human vessel's splitfinger delivery.

Though we in modern times to not possess the ability to form opinions on whether someone looks cool, we do know this: Only Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd could wear a jacket with his name embroidered on it in cursive and still look like a badass.

EXHIBIT H

One haunting element of human nature that we as a society are still trying to understand is war. It has been nearly three thousand years since the last human war. Due to the ravaging effects of The Event and the plague of revisionist historians immediately following, records of wars leading up to it are ambiguous and jumbled at best. One thing we do know is that commanding officers in battle often wore stars to signify their rank.

EXHIBIT I

A popular belief is that Oil Can was an accomplished general; subscribers to this theory point to the stars featured on the 1988 Score baseball card shown above. It is unclear whether he started Vietnam Great War II by assassinating Franz Ferdinand, shown below.

SUPPLEMENTAL EXHIBIT #2

Regardless, it is quite evident that Oil Can Boyd was a beloved leader of his people. One of the consequences of leadership is the stress that comes along with it, and the years of worry and wear age a man like few things can.

EXHIBIT J: 1984-1985

Happy little bunny rabbit. Willing and eager to lead his people.

EXHIBIT K: 1987

The year following the legendary Battle of Buckner's Fuckup. Pissed off, angsty, listens to
"rock and roll" bands such as "Nirvana", "The Beach Boys", and "Elvis".

EXHIBIT L: 1990

Vacant smile. Is starting to lose his shit. Banished to infamous gulag of Montreal.
Wears hat like a retarded idiot moron.

EXHIBIT M: 1991

Psyche fractures into three personas: pitcher, hitter, jovial grandpa who pokes head
out of diagonal square to see what's a-happenin'.

It was not long after this, historians believe, that Oil Can Boyd disappeared into obscurity. His tragic demise is chronicled by the scribes who penned the filler paragraphs on the backs of his cards.

EXHIBITS N, O, P

It was cruel destiny. Just like Napoleon, and Alexander the Great before him, Oil Can's legacy was ended by a series of nagging shoulder problems. He attempted one ill-advised campaign with the Texas Rangers, and then lay down his battle sword forever.

This was the last Oil Can Boyd card ever made.

EXHIBIT Q

It's interesting to note his appearance. His smile is a resigned, wistful one, and he no longer wears his hat like a moron. He knows his time has ended, and he's not putting up a fight.

Of course, much of what we have just discussed is nothing more than estimate and speculation. Such is all we can do in regard to a man who lived thousands of years ago. Since that time, Man has walked on the Moon, built televisions small enough to hold in one's hand, and invented the automobile. But have we really changed? Are we not still as fragile, and face the same mortality as Oil Can? We can only hope to weather it as well as he. Certainly, Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd is a great and honorable ambassador for his age.

Study Questions
Teachers: Print out for students. Under Start menu, click "Programs", "Printer Properties", "Page Range", "It's The Year 4817 And Shouldn't There Be Some Robot Who Will Do All This Bullshit For Me"

1. What was Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd's nickname?

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2. Did Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd pitch 13 complete games in 1985? Why or why not?
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3. True or False: Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd accused Giles Cory of witchcraft and had him pressed to death.

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4. Do you think that Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd went to Heaven or Hell? Why or why not?

Students: Learn more! E-mail [email protected] if you have questions!