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I have to realize that not everything that happens is my fault. I get so worked up about nothing. If someone on a forum doesn't like a movie that moves me on that deep down personal level it bothers me. I don't lose sleep about it, and I don't stomp around the room yelling and screaming about how much I hate them. But it bothers me. I can't figure out how the things I feel are so honest and true if someone else can just casually dismiss them. Like Ness. I have to understand that people will come and go. My cat was going to die when I found her. I gave her a home for a couple of months. I gave her food and she stood on the side of the tub licking my knees when I bathed. When she died it felt like I wasn't ever going to get back the love I gave. And you know what? I won't. I wouldn't want it back. It was hers to have. And you never know, maybe she's the princess in the Land of Cats right now, eating little fish cookies. She came into my life, changed me, and left. For better or worse. Like Kevin. I need to look at the things I can do as blessings instead of burdens. I know how to draw. I can write a little. So I have more chances than my Mom or Dad might. They tell me all the time about how proud they are of me. I don't usually believe it. They gave me so much grief about school and my life that things like my writing and my heart go unnoticed. They don't. They're just waiting for the right time and the right way to tell me. I can't just walk up to my Mom and say "You weight 90 pounds but you have held me up through the most unbearable circumstances." I can't just walk up to my Dad and say "You could draw when you were young, and I'm an extension of that. You liked to write when you were young, and I'm an extension of that. I have your forehead and your freckles. I am not me without you." So I have to just hug them and hope that they know it, and know that they do. Like my Mom and Dad. I need to be happy for Karla. I need to smile and dance when she finds someone to love, and when she gets married. I need not to hate that boy. I'm afraid I will. I'm afraid I'll hold it against her even though I've got everything I'll need for the rest of my life because of jealousy. Because of plans I made and lost years ago. I need to see her as the beautiful fucked up girl that she is and be happy that no matter how many times I throw her memories in a box and hide them in a closet they fall out all over my floor. I need to know that just because I don't love Karla now doesn't mean I can't still like her a lot. I like Karla. And at the end of the day I need to learn to love myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I sound, the way I act, and the things I write. I want to be funny like Bill. I want to be clever like Jon. I want to be sweet like Mike, and spirited like Nick, and honest like Emily. I want to be young like my dog. I want to wake up every day knowing that I'm going to do something with it. But I need to be okay with the days I waste. Because those are the days filled with the best food. I need to stop being afraid. Afraid of crickets. Afraid of confrontation. Afraid of death. Because the monster at the end of the book isn't as scary as I think it is. It's just the reflection in the mirror. Hell, I might even live to be 50. |