Grading crappy Maddox articles
Here, I will attempt to exhibit how Maddox should be called Baddox, on account of how bad he is.
I don't hate this one because he talks about his balls, I hate it because it's completely worthless. It's a LiveJournal entry, for Godsakes. But it doesn't matter, because it still got visited by hundreds of thousands of people. It's one of the worst Internet articles I've ever read in my life, and I would feel bad about bashing someone like this, except that he couldn't have spent more than five minutes on it. F
"Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings."
Again, I don't hate it for the reasons he wanted people to hate it. I talked to my good buddy Jon from ProgressiveBoink.com about it, and he told me that it was about on par with the crappiest reader submissions he's received. Whoa, Gandalf's a pimp? Heh, well, I guess that's sort of funny. I was waiting for him to go off on a tangent about how R.Kelly had a wardrobe malfunction and pissed on Wacko Jacko while juggling the Olsen twins, who coincidentally are almost 18, and that he sure would like to get a piece of that! F
"The movie 'Signs' in four easy steps."
It's hard for something to be all that good when it's like eleven words long, but this was actually an alright article. "Signs" was admittedly corny as shit, and Maddox did a good job of calling the director on it.
...Problem is, Something Awful did an article on Signs that pretty much said the exact same thing, only it was posted the day before. LAME. F
"Nobody cares that you took a nap, really."
I would start this paragraph with a clever "NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON'T CARE THAT SHE TOOK A NAP, REALLY", but then someone could turn around and rightly say "NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON'T CARE THAT HE DOESN'T CARE THAT SHE TOOK A NAP, REALLY."
LiveJournals can definitely be stupid and worth making fun of, but it's just not enough to say "OOOOOOH THEY MAKE ME FIGHTIN' MAD!!" This is the plague that spreads throughout the Internet entertainment sector these days. Nobody makes clever jokes about anything, they just say THIS IS BAD and then follow it up with THE INTERNET MUST BE DESTROYED or I PUNCHED A GUY IN THE FACE. He rails on LiveJournals an awful lot for a guy whose site isn't much more than a glorified online diary. Sort of reminds me of how John Rocker talked about hating queers in Sports Illustrated, but fucked Tom Glavine up the asshole in the locker room before every game. Then John would go out there and intentionally miss the strike zone the first two pitches so Tom could elbow me and say, "Looks like John is in the hole. With two testicles." Lord am I glad to be playing for the Cubs. F
"My neighbor's kids were pissing me off, so I ate them."
I submit that this did not actually take place! F
5,579,512,214 people said "hay wait i thought this was supposed to be crappy children's art."
© 2003 by Maddux