Cartoon
Charlotte's Web

Animal
Rat

Outfit:  Knowledge of where humans keep their dish detergent, for some reason

Tagline:  (singing) "The fair is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord..."

Plot summary:  Charlotte is a pig who has thirty days to make it with a magical ghost before four friends on the adventure of a lifetime discover the secret of the Charlotte's Web. Hi, I'm the guy who wrote the screenplay for "Charlotte's Web," coming to theaters in 2006!

Wilbur is a pig and he's going to die unless the people (creatures, things) that care about him figure out a way to stop it. It's no secret that a sincere allegory about death would touch me in a profound way during childhood...I always seem to be surrounded by death, and it's always been the one thing of which I couldn't shake the fear. As a little Christian boy I KNEW I was going to die because I was being told so every Sunday. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live, no matter how many backflips I had to pull or how many corn-fed townsfolk I had to impress with my web messages, and my clean white hair, and my Bible.

Everyone is concerned about Wilbur, except for Templeton. He only shows interest in the preservation of life if it also preserves his food intake. He bitches, moans, and lays around. In a world of kindhearted children's book characters Templeton stands alone as selfish and needy. He's a lot of the fears that lead to a fear of death. Lethargy, intolerance, indifference. He's terrible. But at the end of the movie he's there rolling Charlotte's eggs back home just because he knows how, and can do it. He doesn't make a big deal out of it. And when the DVD stops Templeton is as important to the effort as anyone. That's what I like to keep telling myself. That even though I'm afraid and ignorant I might know how to roll somebody's baby, and they'll need me at the end. (more)

User Comments:  I think the most important thing about Templeton as a character to me (since he's a rat and isn't wearing board shorts or anything for me to make fun of) is that he was voiced by Paul Lynde. For those of you who don't know (or who do not have ears and basic concepts of logic) Paul Lynde was gay. So gay. Gayer than gay has been defined. He didn't have sex with me, he had sex with those super angel men who gave the Justice League shit.

Before I knew about Uncle Arthur on Bewitched I knew that Templeton's voice was kind of strange. I didn't know what made me feel weird about it, but I knew it wasn't what I was used to. My Dad mentioned one day who Paul Lynde was, and that he was gay. I thought, "Oh, okay." And that was it. I didn't hate gay people because someone I loved so much was gay. It made sense. And even when Christianity handed me picket signs about how Fags should confirm/deny that God Hates them I kept remembering that even if I wasn't meant to "agree" or "condone" in our stupid ways that at least part of it made sense, and that it was okay. Just something people do sometimes.

Shortly thereafter professional wrestling, Billy Crystal, the Wedding Crashers and others taught me that gays were creepy sociopaths to be laughed at. Still, whenever I get to visit Paul Lynde's grave I'm going to make a giant ascot made from bedsheets and put it around the plot. Legacy and all.

User Rating: 9.1/10 (Double C C C  votes)