Cartoon
SuperTed
The Further Adventures of SuperTed
Additional Adventures of SuperTed
Adventures Participated in by SuperTed

Animal
superted




Outfit: Greatest American Hero jumpsuit / rocket boots / false bear flesh

Tagline: "Secret magic word!”

Plot summary: SuperTed is, succinctly, "Captain Marvel is a bear." That's a pretty awesome concept. Captain America, were he a rodent! It's also a cartoon from the United Kingdom, which means that it is awful, and is Welsh language, which means that it's full of fricative consonants and dipthongs and the word "teddy bear" is spelled with thirty-five d's. I apologize to the fine men and women of Wales, but Welsh is the most retarded bullshit language in history. The phrase "I like you" in Welsh is (and I'm not joking), "Dw i'n dy hoffi di." How the hell does the letter "i" become "Dw?" How do you even say that? Dwuh? And is that an i apostrophe n? The guy who plays Mr. Fantastic in the Fantastic Four movies is named Ioan Gruffudd, and you should say it "I own gruff fudd," but no, he's Welsh, so it's "Bill Smith." That shit is worse than French Canada, where the favorite family restaurant of the nation is "Wah Rogers."

SuperTed (Welsh: "sw ii amburger 3'rst") was a defective teddy bear disposed of in a storeroom in the basement of a toy factory. That's where the origin stops making sense. Into said basement comes "SpottyMan," an alien covered in spots, who finds the bear, sprinkles him with cosmic dust, and brings him to Mother Nature (what) so she can grant him magical powers with which to fight evil. Mother Nature, not even having enough magic to give all of the Planeteers good powers, grants SuperTed the mystical and wonderous ability to wear boots with rockets in them. So whoever created SuperTed thought the best way to get a stuffed animal into some special boots was to go through all that horse plop. Like, some guy couldn't have just stuck a beanie baby on the ground and kicked it. Hey look, I stuck a knife through the hacky-sack penguin I got in my Happy Meal and stabbed you with it, he's SUPER PENGUINNNN.

Ted and the Spotty Man (Rob Van Dam) use their incredible powers of propulsion feet and rock dust to battle the ruthless cowboy "Texas Pete," sinister pirate "Frank's Hot Sauce," and a skeleton named "Skeleton" because people from Wales are fucking anthropoid apes who should be beaten to death with a hammer. (more)

User Comments: In 1984, Superted became the first British cartoon series to be bought by Disney and aired on the Disney Channel. The series was redubbed with American voiceovers to take out all the stammering gibberish and released on home video, where I discovered it at my Mom's video store, went "whoaaa," and brought it in to my kindergarten class to watch during recess. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't remember SuperTed. He'd be lost somewhere between Foofur and the "AND THAT SAAAFETY PINNN" part of the Fantastic Max themesong in the shit canal of my brain. I don't remember if we enjoyed it or liked it at all or if we'd rather have been playing with the Flintstone phone, but it is one of my most vivid video rental memories, alongside the one time my parents decided to rent Ski Patrol, and the box for "I Spit On Your Grave." Stupid horror movie boxes, making me look at them when I am six and afraid of everything.

In 1992, Superted was revived in America by Hanna Barbera, this time named "The Further Adventures of Superted" with all of the good American dubbing replaced by guys doing poor man impressions of moviestars who died 40 years before any kid watching was born and some hackneyed songs about ghost mysteries.

User Rating: 7.7/10 (19,850 votes)