Smurfette (1982)

Outfit: (Bleach) blonde hair / White dress / White heels / White hat / Cadillac

Tagline: Substituting the word "smurf" for random verbs or nouns in a sentence. Example:

"I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Smurf. I could smurf you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could smurf you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong."

Plot summary: As has been repeated ad naseum, the Smurfs were a quasi-Marxist, largely agrarian society of little blues that it seems existed only to sustain the village and avoid getting attacked by a big ol' kitty. In the midst of this was Smurfette, seemingly the only female Smurf in the sausagefest that was this show. Yes, eventually there was also Sassette Smurfling, but we're not going to talk about that cousin Oliver shit. Furthermore, since it is established that the Smurfs do not procreate and receive new Smurfs only via the Stork, how are we sure that Smurfette was even really a girl? Do we believe that the Smurfs actually had genitals, or were they sexless beings whose identity was shaped by their own interpretation of gender? Do we call Smurfette a woman because she truly is a woman, or simply because she has chosen to present herself in that way? (more)

User comments: Tranny or no, Smurfette was actually created by Gargamel in one of his revenge plots against the Smurfs. In her original incarnation, Smurfette was a brunette in a simple dress and sensible shoes. Papa Smurf, feeling that the female was unhappy, decided to transform Smurfette into a blonde with a more elaborate dress and high heeled shoes. This is an important lesson, girls: Any problem can be solved with a makeover! Sure, you may be flunking out of college and about to have your car reposessed, but the real issue is your god awful hair. And what girl doesn't feel pretty in stacked pumps? Seriously, who knew that the Smurfs were actually the cause of those obnoxious Sunsilk commercials?

It could be argued that this was just a silly children's show, and not everything has to be dissected for anti-feminist subtext. Then again...

Smurfette was made in the wizard Gargamel's laboratory. She was created by a magical potion. Her list of ingredients include: "Sugar and spice but nothing nice...A dram of crocodile tears...A peck of bird brain...The tip of an adder's tongue...Half a pack of lies, white, of course...The slyness of a cat...The vanity of a peacock...The chatter of a magpie...The guile of a vixen and the disposition of a shrew...And of course the hardest stone for her heart...." (from Bluebuddies.com)

Yeah, okay. Fuck you guys.

User Rating: 3.1/10 (87,354,912 votes)