The Expansion Theory And You
written by Ronin - septenber 30 - 2003
We are subject to what I've come to call 'the expansion curse'.
Life is a cycle. Cyclical movements in theory take the form of a circle, but mathematicians tell us it is very rare to find a 'perfect circle' in nature (the band rocks my ass tho). So, this would lead the logical assumptive types among us state that in the absence of a circle, the default is a more oblong orbit of life around defaulted events. You could also argue that there are hidden variables which can affect this orbit at sudden and unexpected intervals. This is why life is so unpredictable and at times trying.
Although the above theory is supported by numerous psychological and metaphysical texts, the wording and metaphors are solely my own, and created for the sole intention of this post. So let's assume the above theory is law. The Expansion Curse is an addendum to the law. The EC, as I will refer to it henceforth, is the third dimension to the very two dimensional law above. How does the EC work? The following is a simplistic life cycle. Included are the only variables you can expect, and in some cases (like in the case of rock stars and RIAA executives, if I ever get my hands on one) even the 'Middle Age' variable is suspect.
Birth and Death are understood as the alpha and omega variables, and as I mentioned there are many other variables in-between which work to influence the current iteration of the cycle. The variables that occur depend on of any number of things (such as upbringing, personality, and most often, the hated specter of random chance). This is all stuff that is understood as a part of living with the Human Condition, so I'm beating a dead dog here. But it's always good to freshly cover the basics before moving on to some of the more esoteric (insanely loopy) of theories. The following is an overlay of the aforementioned Expansion Curse.
As I mentioned before, this orbit is the third dimension to the life cycle and I suspect is what gave rise to the phrase 'Life's a bitch, then you die'. Let's examine the sticking points of the orbit:
Emotional Limbo
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This is the point at which a person will reside within their normal disposition. For instance, I am a happy guy at heart. During emotional limbo, I go about my business in a grudgingly cheery way. You all know what your emotional limbo phase is like. This is how you feel in the middle of the work week. It's Wednesday at noon. It's the middle of the lunch hour. It's knowing that the waitress is coming back to the table in 3 minutes with your beer and your wings. You've got some stuff behind you, and you're dozing through the now, half-anticipating the future.
Elation
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Self explanatory. The game winning touchdown. The orgasm. Winning a new car. It's the bright flash in the pan that's fading almost the millisecond it happens. I guess the quintessential explanation is the short time span between the firework going off and the 'Oooooooooooh' from the crowd.
Normalization
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Here, you have the drive home from vacation. It's been a hell of a ride, and you enjoyed every second. You've got pictures, you've got memories, you've got bruises. But you had a great time. Here in lies the span of time that most people would WISH to be their emotional limbo. Everyone wants to exist in the afterglow, but it's impossible. Jason Lee said it best when he said in a drunken goodbye - "Just remember: the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter, baby." Or something. I'm anticipating the hate mail now - "You destroyed a Jason Lee quote, you f'ing hack. May you rot in hell along side Vinnie Diesel and Joan Rivers in the near future." to which I will reply 'Thank you. Letters like that let me know I'm doing my job. Please keep reading my slop so I can continue to offend you. Much love.'
But I digress.
Sharp Drop-Off
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Here is the crash, the general but comfortable slide into the bottle and out of that itchy tie. It didn't go your way, you spilled coffee on your boss's wife and you banged the mailroom chick in an egg nog-fueled fit of lust.