EXT - POST APOCALYPTIC DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA

KUROSAWA
I knew I should've went to NC State.

MONSTER IN THE FOG
Human, aren't you?
(clutches head)
AAAAAAARRRGHH!!

KUROSAWA
What's wrong?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
(crawls away)

KUROSAWA
You're a Blue Devil, aren't you?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
I suppose so. But I used to be human. What a world. How stupid! Long ago... the NCAA was a beautiful field of flowers. Now... because of all of the fallout from the Kentucky game, strange flowers grow.

KUROSAWA
Kentucky game?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
Hahaha!  Yes!  They say I took my foot and stomped a freshman after a dead ball.   Why would I do that?  Why why?  I'm the NCAA player of the year!   I'm the sole collegiate selection for the USA Dream Team!  Why don't they back up off me!  Why can't they let me live!
(grabs face)
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

KUROSAWA
Why would they say those things about you?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
Jealousy!  Look at me. Stupid mankind did this. It made our planet a junkyard for poison.  I got a technical foul, but I went on to hit the game winning shot in overtime!  It was all me!  Grant Hill's inbound pass had nothing to do with it!   I'm going to grow my hair long and part it down the middle, and I'm going to wear a headband!  I don't care what you think!  I'm Christian Laettner, nyah!
(stumps toe)
OH GOD COACH TAKE ME OUT, TAKE ME OUT OH GOD

KUROSAWA
How do you survive out here?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
There's no food! We feed on ourselves. The weak ones go first. Yesterday I took a bite out of Steve Wojciechowski's back because he called me a crybaby.

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER (cont.)
It's about my turn now. Even here in college we have grades. The only way to stay alive is to capitalize on the fact that nobody at my school will shut up if even mildly wronged.   Come, I'll show you.

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
You'll see how they cry.

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
The monster on the right is Grant Hill.  He wants to "stay in college."   Like that will help him!  He's a political science major and all he ever talks about is how unthirsty Sprite makes him.  The guy on the left who looks like Joe Pantaliano's skeleton is Bobby Hurley.  He's so snotty.  I hope he gets into a car crash.
(breaks fingernail)
HOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWLL!!!!!!!!

KUROSAWA
(reaches out to help)

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
Don't touch me!  I'll STOMP YOU!  Go away!

KUROSAWA
Go where?

CHRISTIAN LAETTNER
Do you want to become a Blue Devil, too?

KUROSAWA
WELL...LOOKS LIKE I BETTER BE HITTIN' THE OLD DUSTY TRAIL

YOINK!