Welcome to David© Sunflower Seeds GAMER'S CORNER!  Here's where you get the latest scoops on our wildly popular game, "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder"! 

What's that? You haven't played it?!!?!?!?  Well where've ya been!  Get seedin'!

Play Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder!

This is our official "Big League Seeder" headquarters!  You can play the game all you want, but unless you check back here for the latest high scores, pro tips, and news, you're not really in the game!!!

NEWS
what's the haps in the Big League Seeder community

February 13 - David© Sunflower Seeds announces a brand-new game: Big League Seeder!

March 2 - David© Sunflower Seeds announces the addition of a surprise guest star to their already announced game, Big League Seeder: Derek Jeter!  The name is to be changed to "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder!"

April 5 - "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder" is officially released!

May 5 - "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder" celebrates its one-month anniversary!

June 5 - "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder" celebrates its two-month anniversary!

July 5 - "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder" celebrates its three-month anniversary!

July 7 - "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder" is taking the gaming world by storm!  David© Sunflower Seeds has announced that it is holding the first annual SeederCon, a three-day Seederfest!  Guests include Derek Jeter's minor-league hitting coach, the game's programmers, and special guest celebrity "Big League Seeder" gamers Louis Gossett, Jr. and Willa Ford! 

July 9 - Celebrity "Big League Seeder" gamer Willa Ford had this to say in "David© Sunflower Seeds News Monthly" when asked about "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder": "Oh yeah, it's really great!  I just have so much fun playing games, they're really great!  Video games, sunflowers, what's not to love?"  Thanks, Willa!  All you seasoned seeders had better think twice before challenging her to a game at SeederCon!

July 12 - Hurry!!!  Chairs for SeederCon 2005 are filling up fast!  Get your tickets now because "seeding" is limited! 

HIGH SCORES
who'd the savviest seeder of them all?

PRO TIPS
find out what it takes to be the quickest seeder of 'em all!

1.  Keep a close look out!  Seeds can fall any which way. 

2.  Point the crosshairs at a seed with your mouse, and left-click the mouse button to fire and smash the seed to smithereens!

3.  Check this page regularly so you'll be the first to hear about the newest strategies used by the top seeders in the world!

4.  Make sure to All right, you know what?  Fuck this.

I have journalism and web design degrees hanging on my wall.  I've published many articles and journals.  My gift for writing has earned me the respect of my readers and peers.  Yet here I am!  A shiller of lies.  A worthlessness salesman.  A benchmark of insincerity. 

I have decided to secret my online diary away to the bottom of this page, so that those who choose to read far enough through my forced, tortured, inane drivel can face the soul of the puppet who is made to dance for them.

JULY 12, 2025

Ever since I was hired by David Sunflower Seeds to undertake this project, I have struggled to understand many things about this game, "Derek Jeter's Big League Seeder".

Seriously, did you play it?  Isn't it the most retarded game you've ever played?  How did execs convince themselves that this would effectively promote their product?  They have given me the task of taking this game and making it popular, but it isn't exactly panning out.  I've talked to the guys in the department in charge of organizing SeederCon 2005, and it's apparently being held in the conference room of a Motel 6 in Iowa.  The through-the-roof ticket sales have allotted them a budget large enough to put some streamers up and set up a snack table with lemonade and Cheez-Its. 

I'm sure that's not much of a surprise to you, though.  And the high scores?  I made them up.  In fact, I don't even know of any confirmed cases of the game ever actually being played.  That doesn't stop David from being proud of it, though; they've plastered the game as a sidebar ad on practically every page on the entire Internet, including their own homepage. 

Over the next few days, I'll spend some time attempting to deconstruct this game and see if I can help glean any sort of meaning or purpose from it. 

JULY 13, 2025

Today's subject: The theoretical scenario implied by this game

Let's outline what we know.  The Player (who we will define from here forth as any party who actively navigates his or her web browser to a web page featuring this game, regardless of whether he or she is an active participant) is implicitly established as a party with some sort of firearm who is facing (curiously) Derek Jeter's legless, floating person.  An omniscient party communicates with the Player, encouraging him or her to destroy sunflower seeds falling from Derek Jeter's hand. 

The background is red -- traditionally symbolic of heat or fire.  Surroundings that are any completely solid color are very rarely encountered in real-world situations; much less red.  We are led to conclude that perhaps this scenario is taking place in Hell. 

A smiling, floating, unnatural being dressed in black appears to take pleasure in dropping his sunflower seeds in what is possibly an effort to tempt the Player.  We can posit somewhat confidently that this being, Derek Jeter, is a tortuous apparition of some sort who is in Satan's employ; albeit one who is ostensibly "Derek Jeter" which can be told from the strangely flush lettering on his shirt.

JULY 14, 2025

Today's subject: The motive of the second person (Derek Jeter)

Several questions immediately come to importance here.  The first of which is, "Why is Derek Jeter pouring the sunflower seeds into his hand?"  One possibility we have already outlined is that he is doing so with the intent of tempting the player; however, this is unlikely since a dry, salty snack food would likely not be a substantial temptation in a realm of heat and flame.  Perhaps he is rather innocuously responding to an instinct, either conscious or subconscious, to eat.

This naturally leads to the observation that Derek Jeter, a veteran baseball player, performs the act of pouring sunflower seeds into his hands in a rather maladroit fashion.  The act of playing baseball requires exceptionally fluid motion, accurate manipulation of airborne missiles regardless of vector, and largely error-free and consistent performance.  Derek Jeter could easily mitigate the percentage of seeds that fall out of his hand upon impact if he made a few fundamental adjustments: manipulate the flow of sunflower seeds from the back so that they do not pour out at such a fast rate, hold the bag closer to his hand so as to minimize the amount of impact force that causes the seeds to bounce, etc.  The conclusion we are forced to draw here is that Derek Jeter is terrible at baseball.

JULY 15, 2025

Today's subject: The motive of the third person (unnamed omniscient voice)

To ascertain specifics regarding the unnamed omniscient voice would be fruitless and irrelevant, as none are given to begin with.  What is important, however, is to conclude that this being is the only party in this universe that we can conclusively prove is fully aware of the context in which this universe exists.  This earns him/her/it the title of Greatest Conceivable Being (GCB), which is how we will now refer to him.

Is this GCB meant to be God?  Certainly not in the Judeo-Christian sense, as it has been established that this scenario takes place in Hell, into which God does not trespass.  One possibility I submit is that this GCB is meant to be Satan, as this particular setting is his realm.  The GCB appears to tempt the Player into entering his realm.

The phrase "WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING?" is of unique interest here.  An alternate explanation, and one that would turn the "GCB=Satan" argument on its ear, is that this is the desperate voice of the programmer shines through here, meaning that the GCB is the programmer him/herself.  This observation is a stepping-stone to other questions: does the "WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING?" belie an inferiority complex of some sort, or is the GCB merely overaggressive?  Regardless, such an awkward assertion as a inquiry into why someone is not interested in a video game is indicative of a dearth of understanding of human interaction, which would explain the rationalization of the creation of a game that is so unappealing to others.

JULY 16, 2025

Today's subject: The motive of the Player

The character that the scenario has dictated for the Player offers a very limited amount of willpower.  The Player can choose either to shoot the seeds or not shoot the seeds.  In this universe the Player cannot get up to get a drink of water, or drive to the grocery store, or play hopscotch. 

An explanation is not offered: what motivation does the Player have to shoot the seeds, apart from the ostensible "goal" of "winning" the game?  In this universe, what benefit would the Player, regardless of personality or disposition, stand to gain from firing upon a series of seeds?  The first inclination is to explain this as visual metaphor for eating the sunflower seeds (as is the indirect goal of the game as a whole; after all, this game is in objective reality an advertising endeavor to sell more sunflower seeds: elementary economic law dictates that barring foreign factors, a decreasing supply results in a replenishment of said supply, and therefore more sales); however, this would be inaccurate, as numerous sources of authority (the Food and Drug administration and David Sunflower Seeds, for example) generally do not recommend the consumption of the entire product.  Instead, traditionally only the seed itself is eaten.  In this scenario, it is implied that the entire seed is destroyed.

To suggest that the Player is to hold personal vendetta against said sunflower seeds would be a juvenile, amateur and generally incompetent assertion.  Thus, we must conclude a simple answer: that the Player is to shoot the seeds merely because they are there.  Apologies in advance for perpetuating the old clichéd standby of deconstructivists, but this fosters an atmosphere of anti-socialism almost to the point of, you guessed it, nihilism.

JULY 17, 2025

Today's subject: What is this game's message?

I reject any argument that the root message of this game is "Go purchase David's brand sunflower seeds".  Perhaps that is what the corporation and the programmers had in mind, but that is not the message that has been conveyed.  Based on what we have observed this week, there are several possibilities.  One is a message that there is no message, only senseless quasi-nihilism.  Another is that it's meant as a very personal and specific message from the programmer: "I am insecure; please like my ad game."

But I believe searching for messages so deeply rooted is unnecessary when it's actually fairly plain to see: Derek Jeter catches seed.  Without descending into vulgarity, we can now make the following assertions about Derek Jeter.

1. Derek Jeter is terrible at baseball.

2.  Derek Jeter is a homosexual.

In conclusion, this entire game is a commentary on Derek Jeter, no more, no less.

JULY 18, 2025

I suppose you're wondering why I would put my job on the line just to use company web space to make an unauthorized LiveJournal.  It's very strange, isn't it?  It's the kind of thing you'd want to send to your friends and submit to Fark and such, isn't it?

Exactly. 

Ever since my supposed hijack of this website, traffic has increased tenfold.  Incidentally. sales of David Sunflower Seeds are expected to increase significantly.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of manufactured kitsch.

It's a quickly-growing trend.  Over the last few years, people on the Internet have begun to specialize in manufacturing things that are under the appearance of being inadvertently funny.  The the spirit of this concept has started to spread itself to all forms of media.  Example: Napoleon Dynamite.  The movie features practically zero jokes, only a bunch of people being ugly and stupid.  But it flies in the face of convention, so it garners interest.  Your opinion of the film itself notwithstanding, the fact is that the film was manufactured.  The industry saw untapped profit in offbeat humor, so they exploited it.  And whenever a film is made for the sole purpose of making money, it's a sign of trouble.

And of course, the Internet is where it started.  Genuine naivety and cluelessness is becoming a scarce commodity on the Web.  Look to sites like realultimatepower.net.  Easily nine out of ten visitors to the site thought the guy was writing in his own voice.  If everyone knew the guy was being fake, it wouldn't have been nearly as popular.  Even worse is the sort of kitsch that's manufactured for profit.  See Burger King's Subservient Chicken, which fooled millions of people despite every bit of common sense that suggested to the contrary.  Things like these have turned kitsch into a business, effectively killing it.  What we call kitsch used to be something that was inadvertently funny for reasons that are not easily explained.  It's now just another form of humor that business has squeezed dry.  To advertisers and marketers, breeds of humor are resources, much like baby seals are resources for fashion shops.  Business of any sort is a race, and corporations often disregard the interests of anything and everything else, doing things utterly despicable, to win at any cost.

So!  Joke's on you.  Joke's on you all. 

JULY 19, 2025

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