Stories Of Intrigue: The Madman Strikes Back.

"Stories of Intrigue" is a pastiche of terrible amateur genre fiction. Another way of explaining it: here is a story written by the dumbest motherfucker taking Intro to Creative Writing at your local community college.

Here is "The Madman Strikes Back," a new Story of Intrigue about Drape Donner, a smooth advertising agency executive in the 1960s. It does not resemble and was not influenced by any other work of fiction, ever.

Drape Donner surveilled his domain. This was the life. He had $, a cool voice and hair's, and not one but two babe wive's. And to top it all off, it was the 1960's! "It can't get no better then this!" he should have shouted-er, that is, if all ‘twere as it seemed.

But nay. He couldn't get no satisfaction, to quoth The Beetle's. An era-appropriate quoth, if I do say so myself. It was like the Beetles said, you can't alway's get what you want.

So nay, I say. Nay. Drape was as sad as Poo and Tiger's donkey freind. You could tell from how he would withfully stair into space, as mysterious as Mr. Ious, a character I made for another story. He's a bad guy whom use's riddle's to do his evil deed's. He wear's a suit with question mark's on it. Trademark me, original creation © 2013.

Oh yeah, but so Drape was really mysterous. You didn't know weather he was coming or going. Part of that was because he was really named Rick Wakeman but traded name's with a guy in the Vietnam War because they thought it would be a laugh. But then the real Drape Donner blew up, and Drape Donner (the one who is the star of the show, the new Drape) felt bad and sad about it, and so that was part of why he was always being wierd and looking into space and doing the "horizontal watootsie" with wemon who were not his wive.

But so anyway, Drape had a lot on his mind's. He would sit in his office and drink Bacardi Breezer's and think about the world. Suddenly, his freind Roger came in to Drape's office. "Your drinking the hard stuff again, huh? Don't mind if I do, he said, pouring himselve a tall jar of the beer-like licquor from the fine crystal goblin that Drape kept it in.

The two men sat and were serious. You could tell it was a later season because they and everyone else on the show were sad, unlike earlier, when people used to laugh and play, such was they're merryment.

"I'm very glad that we started our new company," said Roger. "Yes, me to." Said Drape. "I am happy that it is exactly the same as our old company, even with the same name and the same staff, but except the gay guy and the fat guy (the one without glasses) are gone." "Yes" said Roger.

"What do you think about that big new account?" said Drape. "Methinks ‘tstinks" said Roger. They furried they're brow's and became alcoholically sad.

Suddenly, they heard a noise from the room next door. It was the office of Lainprice English, the Brittish guy. "Now what could that be" they said. So they went to look. Sure enough, he was hanging from a doornail, dead as a doornail.

"Crap" said Drape. It seemed the sadness of every character in the show had gotten the best of Lainprice and he had "taken a long walk off a short pier" as they say. Some in the office later said they thought it might have been a murder made to look like a selficide by the evil genious known only as Mr. Ious, but...perhaps that was a tail for another day ;) (teaser).

Drape went home to his brown-haired wive. "Hard day at work?" she said. "Lainprice is as dead as JFK, whom died yesterday! Lainprice oft his self. What a way to go. So, uh, yeah, ya think I had a hard day????"!?

Brownhairwive tried to chear Drape with a rendition of his favorite song, "Zubaz Zoo," which was in Spanish or something, but even that wasn't working. He was as blue as the hit single by Eiffel 65. Dark thing's were a foot.

Drape went to sleap but had some wierd dream where like his dad (real dad, Rick Wakeman's dad) was there but then he killed somebody but then some other really nutty stuff happened, and that's how you knew it was a dream (or was it? It was a wierd mystery).

Drape went to work. He saw his most nefarious nemesis, Peat Camble, and experienced his one sole joy of the season, seeing Peat inflate like a balloon. He had packed on the Lbs. and lost his luscious hair's. But then it was back to sad.

Peggy Young, whom started life as Drape's loyal slave before becoming the first wemon to write advertisement's, came into Drape's office. "I will leave the company to go work for another company" she said. "What the frickin' what? No, don't do that thing." said Drape. "I'm sorry but their's no convincing me." "Ok." Jone, the volumptuous young thang whom cooked the book's for the company, gave Peggy a hug on her way out and they bonded, which was ironical because they used be like a cat and a dog.

It seemed Drape couldn't get no lower. His life was spinning out of control. Some villian kept replacing his son Bobbie with different Bobbies and he didn't even notice. Suddenly, he looked at somebody in a wierd way. Then the season ended. In the Mad Men universe, this was a cliffhanger ending. Everyone agreed that the show was great.

For more bone-chilling and heart-stopping tales, check out our Stories of Intrigue section.