You Must Be Prepared.

The street is a wild, feral place. Nowhere's safe anymore. Just last month Ms. Hayesburn saw a garter snake in her hydrangeas. Jesus. How could we let this happen? Even the crab grass grows anywhere it likes. When I was a kid, crab grass was kept in its place. Well no more. The line must be drawn. I will protect my youngest, so he can grow up to be the world's greatest Patton Oswalt impersonator. I will protect my oldest, so he can live to see the day the doctors fix his weird arms. I will protect them. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The man is prepared.

Tangerines are notoriously violent. I heard about it, on the news. They strike at random, stealing away our children and our 2-for-1 Yoplait six-packs. It's what they do, their kind. I hear it's an initiation. They get tattoos based on how many Weight Watchers points worth of food they take from your cart. I saw an e-mail about it. It's not their fault. It's genetic. They were born without respect for our property and our Tier 3 IT Support facial hair. I read about that, that's science. Can't argue science. They are deserving of our pity. And our vigilance. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The man is prepared.

We're lesbians, but not the super-butch kind. We still look okay. You can imagine us making out and it's not weird. You're very open-minded. We like that about you. Sometimes we do that thing where we rub our parts together? I think we actually do that and that's not just in videos. We probably do. You should help us out with that sometime. We're okay with that since you're so open-minded. We'd better stay safe until we can get around to doing that. We must be prepared.

Do you see? The lesbians are prepared.

I still remember that day clear as yesterday. I was so excited to try out for the track team, but momma said I needed to get checked out by the doctor first to make sure I was up for it. Of course I was! I had been practicing my running all summer. But we went because momma said. Dr. Richards listened to me breathe, and I breathed real deep. He tapped my knee and my leg jumped like a frog. I knew I had done good! But he didn't look happy. My momma saw it too. When she asked, he took my momma aside, but I snuck up to get a listen. "I'm afraid," he whispered, "I'm afraid your child has got Tiny Vagina." I heard momma stifle a cry into her tissue. "Unfortunately there's not much we can do. If it was a bigger Vagina, maybe. There are some things we could try, with a bigger Vagina. But this... " He sighed. "I'm sorry. I really am. But there just isn't any cure for Tiny Vagina."

I don't get around as much, these days. I would still go to the track meets to watch, at first, and to help cheer them on. But soon that miniscule cooter'd get to grumblin' and eventually I just stayed home. But I can still take care of myself. I can still protect mine. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The cripples are prepared.

The thefts have become more brazen. My next-door neighbor was hit two nights ago. Right next door! My God. These sub-humans have no morals. I threw that apple away for a reason! Get out of that garbage, raccoons. God damn you, raccoons. God damn your nimble hands. They must be stopped. I will need at least 30 rounds for this. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The headmaster of Beige House is prepared.

They're everywhere! The streets have been overrun. They're going to every house and taking everything they can by the bagful. That one! The one dressed like a pirate. I saw him take two Snickers when I know the sign on that bucket says "take one!" My God, they're like animals. They--oh no. Oh God please no. A Spongebob and a Batman have pulled Mrs. Westin out of her house. I can't tell what's being said, but they seem very agitated ... She's ... No! She's giving them a full-sized bag of Runts! That's like movie theater size! This is it. The police can't help us now. Well, there's one over there, but I think that's a costume. It's up to me to protect my property. These are my Jujubes you sons of bitches

Better put on ear protection first, though. Don't want to hurt anything important. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The soccer mom is prepared.

Well. It is a little weird that everybody else gets to protect their property and I get to avoid being property. But I'm sure no one meant anything by it. Guns do have an important historical legacy in this country, after all! And defending your rights does mean being prepared. I must be prepared.

Do you see? The black is prepared.

uh

I heard they like watermelons. I must be prepared.

Oh Goddammit.

Do you see? The pregnant watermelon merchant is prepared.

Dr. Snuggles has never led me astray. Only Dr. Snuggles sees the evil of this world. He commands and I obey. Together we will make things clean, Dr. Snuggles. Together we will make things right. Only you have been blessed to see the Sacred Signs. I am but your servant. I am prepared.

Do you see? The Instrument is prepared.

You must be prepared.