Progressive Boink: FanPosts

The Crest in the Rearview miror

2013-05-13T05:07:37Z

The NFL thought it was getting an upgrade when it approved the sale of the Cleveland Browns. So how did things go wrong so fast?

The Pilot Flying J scandal is just one of numerous blemishes on the records of franchise owners who increasingly place their own interests above the public's. Above, Jim Haslam (centre) views practice in 2012 with Mike Holmgren (right), soon to be out the door. (via Cleveland.com)

There were rumblings that the Cleveland Browns would be sold as early as a year ago, but no one had any credible details. It was contained in the field of radio callers who spouted off about the latest rumours about events that they couldn't prove but that were as sure as dawn being planned behind closed doors. Finally in July 2012 then team President Mike Holmgren confirmed that owner Randy Lerner had placed the team on the selling block. The buyer: a Tennessee native named Jim Haslam.

The local press judged this decision through two angles:

The decision was one more careless decision of the Lerner family. Randy Lerner and his late father Al had revived the franchise after the original Browns owner Art Modell ditched town in 1995 for Baltimore. But neither the father or son had endeared fans, because their inept personnel decisions and the perceived lack of interest in the Browns (despite the lucrative profits they gross) had produced one of the most laughable teams in all of pro sports. Whereas Al Lerner had been treated as one of the people who had aided Modell's move to Baltimore, his son hardly ever participated in team business nor league meetings, to the point that in 2009 fans demanded and received the sports equivalent of the Magna Carta; Lerner devolved all real decision making power to a team president. That was the initial reason for Holmgren's hire. The decision to sell the team during the course of the 2012 season automatically doomed the prospects for that year, and most of the team's officials and coaches knew they were working to keep their jobs.
At the same time optimism broke out concerning the new owner. Haslam was considered a great fit for the NFL, possessing the combination of money and connections, the common touch, and football enthusiasm. He had already been a minority owner of the rival Steelers, and his family had donated generously to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

To all appearances Haslam was a charming alternative, as he could be seen in the early season viewing the
practices in person in a polo and shorts. As he answered media questions he enthusiastically stated his ambitions of restoring the franchise to its long-departed title winning ways.

At the time the warning signs were present but it was unclear what they indicated. One acquaintance spoke about how his loyalties had been to the Dallas Cowboys, then the Indianapolis Colts, the Steelers upon buying a stake, and now the Browns. The friend was trying to describe Haslam's passion for football, but one could easily see it as a turnoff for long-suffering Browns fans who despise the Steelers (and also as I can also tell you the Cowboys). When making statements as well as answering questions, Haslam used the word "candidly" with bewildering frequency. This bizarre habit actually cast doubt in my mind on his credibility.

As most media pundits had predicted the team's 2012 season was a repetition of the failing ways the Browns had accustomed the public to, going 5-11. Prior to the season's end Holmgren was gradually phased out and in mid-November was relieved of all duties. This was a confirmation that the Lerner staff was on its way out, and that a house cleaning was in the offing. Following the season-ending 24-10 loss to Pittsburgh Haslam and new CEO Joe Banner canned coach Pat Shurmur and GM Tom Heckert. The Holmgren and Heckert tandem had a 14-34 record while steering the brown and orange ship, and their choice of Pat Shurmur as a replacement following their first wasted year with coach Eric Mangini was considered a fatal mistake. It also didn't help that Holmgren had a testy relationship with the local media, and had completely alienated the team's all-time icon Jim Brown.

Jimmy wakes the dragon

It was not long before the purchase of the franchise aroused the passions of its loyal fan base. One of the obstacles that Haslam was bound to face is the cynical and distrustful fan base, one that laps up the venomous (and yet accurate) statements of commentary like this from comedian Mike Polk. In the absence of team accomplishments, local fans turn against their athletes in the blink of an eye; just ask former Madden cover boy Peyton Hillis (now a backup RB for Kansas City) or Cavaliers center Tyler Zeller who must be gazing nostalgically at those Duke campus events. When it comes to front office and staff the barometer also drops pretty fast, as evidenced by the bewildering reshuffling during the early Holmgren days when GM Greg Kokinis was axed in order to sate the blood lust of an angry crowd that was on the verge of boycotting games and embarrassing the NFL. The Kokinis firing may have prolonged Eric Mangini's tenure by a year, because the Browns immediately started winning games. So who would be surprised that they would turn on an owner only months after his purchase of the team.

Mike Lombardi. A risky hire for an owner who hasn't shied away from the flames yet.

(Paul Tople| Akron Beacon Journal via www.ohio.com)

Haslam's honeymoon with Cleveland went sour following that December 31 series of ax blows that jettisoned the Holmgren crew. The Browns were right on time to compete for the best candidates, as some premium people like Bruce Arians and Ken Whisenhunt were seeking a new home. Both of them had helped turn talented quarterbacks into successful ones; Whisenhunt had helped revive Kurt Warner's career, while Arians had been instrumental in guiding Ben Roethlisberger in Pittsburgh to his second Super Bowl and Andrew Luck through his rookie season. The media fed the frenzy by speculating about perennial rumor magnets Bill Cowher and John Gruden. But who was the Browns' first choice for the job? Oregon Ducks coach Chip Kelly, a guy who waffled between staying at his scandal ridden school or ditching it for the NFL. At one point Kelly seemed set on snubbing the Browns and his second suitor the Philadelphia Eagles by declaring that he would stay in Oregon, but within days he had signed on in Philly. The fact that it was new CEO Joe Banner's old team created the impression among news outlets that Haslam and Banner had been beaten in a chess game with the Eagles. The wild duck chase (I had to put that in) may have spoiled the Browns' chances of landing any of the other premium candidates. Arians and Whisenhunt were both off the market by the time Haslam had named Rob Chudzinski as his first head coaching hire.

The choice of the Carolina offensive coordinator received lukewarm reaction from fans, but it was like a ticker tape parade compared to the new GM the Browns chose. Throwing caution to the wind, Banner and Haslam opted for a person who was bound to raise the ire of a public with long memories: NFL Network sportscaster Mike Lombardi. For a regime that had claimed it was changing the face of Cleveland football, hiring someone who had been the pre-'96 Browns' pro personnel director was a major miscue. Lombardi was roundly hated for being one of Bill Belichick's lieutenants before it was fashionable to be associated with Belichick.

But if there was ever an ideal time to make a string of controversial moves, Haslam picked the right one. The winter off season is too far away from any important dates, and the Lombardi hiring would never affect ticket sales nor fan anticipation of better times. Neither did Haslam's January 15 agreement with local power utility FirstEnergy to award stadium naming rights to them. FirstEnergy had attracted criticism this past November for laying off employees in the area. But the move rolled off the backs of a Browns community more focused on football issues than the business side of the NFL.

Convoy of Shame

The FBI raid on Pilot Flying J's HQ in Tennessee occurred during the run-up to the NFL draft. Overnight, Haslam's image as the more accessible Browns owner was instantly dashed. Why the sudden change?

The scandal is easy enough to understand. The Haslam family corporation, one of the largest privately owned enterprises in the US, grew from 2001 by ingeniously co-opting several of its rivals. Originally Pilot Travel Centers (still the official name of the company), it purchased the Flying J travel centers in 2009 in a merger agreement with the rival, which at the time was going through bankruptcy.

For the Haslams, the travel centre business had no drawbacks. Overland diesel truck transport is a vital component of American commerce. In the past, conditions for the drivers had been especially trying given the spartan conditions of road travel. The Pilot centres offered several advantages for this burgeoning customer base: Clean creature comforts such as showers and restaurant franchises attracted the drivers. In order to attract the trucking companies, the Haslams were able to offer deals and discounts that made fueling agreements impossible to pass up, especially in times of fluctuating diesel costs. And within those exclusive fueling agreements Pilot offered rebates that sweetened the deal for the trucking companies.

So far all was above the belt, but then the company's sales department started flying too close the sun, or rather the fuel tank. Senior sales staff began to encourage their salesmen to deceive trucking companies into signing agreements, and then would deliberately reduce the rebate payments, or even not deliver them at all. This represented a clear-cut breach of contract. These practices were later documented by conversations recorded by the FBI as well as documents recovered throughout its investigation. Perhaps most damning of all was the tactic held by the Pilot Flying J officials of targeting for recruitment trucking fleet owners deemed not sophisticated enough to notice the rebate withholdings. This condescending attitude shattered the perception of the Haslams having enough integrity so that this practice could be viewed as a mistake or shifted to their underlings. Jim Haslam's response was, "Candidly, I did nothing wrong."

But on April 25 the company did seem acknowledge that it was no longer welcome in trucking circles by withdrawing sponsorship of a national trucking social media conference in Kansas City. The damage done in just a month of bad publicity may have laid to waste a legacy stretching back to 1958 when James Haslam II, father of the current CEO and Browns owner. established Pilot Oil Corporation. Jimmy III's gestures at rapprochement with the fleet owners have so far failed to quench the flames of retribution; on April 20 Atlantic Coast Carriers, a Georgia based customer harmed by the rebate policy, publicly revealed Pilot Flying J's attempts to pay them off in exchange from dropping their suit.

It is actually a shame to see this saga unfold, as I have personally visited a Flying J location in Ohio and found the service there far above expectations of a travel stop. But Browns fans must now take off their rose coloured lenses and look at their owner clearly. People buy NFL franchises for two reasons: Profit and prestige. The NFL, even in a dire economy, presents the greatest potential return on investment of any sports venture today, because it has not had a protracted labour dispute since 1987, and its revenues from TV and commercial sponsorship seem to have no upper limit. Owners often enjoy a social status that is hard to equal, and seem to acquire influence that even politicians can't touch. Haslam's Cleveland neighbour Dan Gilbert successfully lobbied for passage of a voter-approved issue in 2009 that brought legalized gaming to northeast Ohio. The main beneficiary, Rock Ohio Caesars, a partnership between Gilbert and Caesar Entertainment Group that operates the Horseshoe Casinos in Cleveland and Cincinnati.

Premature judgment?

It cannot be understated that Haslam's move into Cleveland, whereas until now he had been more identified with interests in his native Tennessee and with the Pittsburgh Steelers, may have been an attempt to flex his company's muscle as the largest company of its type in North America. In Westlake, OH, located a few towns west of Cleveland but still within Cuyahoga County, is the headquarters of TravelCenters America (TA), the top remaining rival of Pilot Flying J. But the intersection of financial barons and sports was always present and will never be broken. What should be broken is the apathetic attitude of politicians and fans who bend over backwards to interests like these. Rejection of this type of business practice means looking out for the wellbeing of small businessmen and customers. The gullibility and desperation of fans allows untrustworthy people to weasel their way into the highest circles of our society. If we open the gates to such selfish behaviour so easily, what is the guarantee that these franchise owners actually deliver even on their wholly symbolic promise of sports titles?

The NFL thought it was getting an upgrade when it approved the sale of the Cleveland Browns. So how did things go wrong so fast?

The Pilot Flying J scandal is just one of numerous blemishes on the records of franchise owners who increasingly place their own interests above the public's. Above, Jim Haslam (centre) views practice in 2012 with Mike Holmgren (right), soon to be out the door. (via Cleveland.com)

The local press judged this decision through two angles:

The decision was one more careless decision of the Lerner family. Randy Lerner and his late father Al had revived the franchise after the original Browns owner Art Modell ditched town in 1995 for Baltimore. But neither the father or son had endeared fans, because their inept personnel decisions and the perceived lack of interest in the Browns (despite the lucrative profits they gross) had produced one of the most laughable teams in all of pro sports. Whereas Al Lerner had been treated as one of the people who had aided Modell's move to Baltimore, his son hardly ever participated in team business nor league meetings, to the point that in 2009 fans demanded and received the sports equivalent of the Magna Carta; Lerner devolved all real decision making power to a team president. That was the initial reason for Holmgren's hire. The decision to sell the team during the course of the 2012 season automatically doomed the prospects for that year, and most of the team's officials and coaches knew they were working to keep their jobs.
At the same time optimism broke out concerning the new owner. Haslam was considered a great fit for the NFL, possessing the combination of money and connections, the common touch, and football enthusiasm. He had already been a minority owner of the rival Steelers, and his family had donated generously to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

Jimmy wakes the dragon

Mike Lombardi. A risky hire for an owner who hasn't shied away from the flames yet.

(Paul Tople| Akron Beacon Journal via www.ohio.com)

Convoy of Shame

Premature judgment?

Poll

Jim Haslam recently apologised for having his legal troubles become a distraction from the Cleveland Browns pre-season preparations. How has your opinion of Haslam changed since he has become a majority owner, if at all?

He is a welcome change from the previous management

0 votes

The Browns' on field play is the only thing that's important. The team's record will determine my opinion of Haslam.

0 votes

His hiring decisions show he has the savvy we need.

0 votes

His hiring decisions show he is out of his depth.

0 votes

His real colours have been exposed, and who knows what else he's hiding?

1 votes

1 votes | Poll has closed

That Weird Post By Bill Hanstock on the SB Nation Main Site

2013-03-29T15:09:24Z

Hello. I registered to express my disappointment in the post "Just a bunch of white people celebrating" by Bill Hanstock. I'm posting it here because I think of Hanstock as a Progressive Boink writer, and because there's two thousand comments on the actual article, and I'd like to have my say without it being "Roll Tide"d. If this is not an acceptable venue, I apologize.

First off, I should say that no, I don't think it's racist or malicious. My problem is somewhat different. As a disclaimer, I should mention that I never went to college, haven't read any bell hooks (though I will, I swear!) and just generally am pretty stupid, and also I'm about to use words that are a bit above my pay grade, so this all might be crappy. But I guess I worry about the article being insidiously colonialist, or at the very least co-opting the culture of a historically oppressed minority. Reason being is this: Hanstock is white. He writes the article as an outside observer, mocking "white people" generally as though he is not a member. However, when push comes to shove, of course he can always retreat to his whiteness and the advantages that that entails, whereas someone legitimately writing that article as an outsider cannot. In this sense, he gets to have his cake and eat it to. (Full disclosure: I am also white. I don't think I'm committing the same sin as I'm accusing Hanstock of doing, but if I am, let me know.)

I guess I feel similarly about it as I do about a white suburban high-schooler who gets into rap and starts dressing "black" and acting "black"; it debases a culture and turns it into an aesthetic. Or, for example, when a white guy feels like he can legitimately say the n-word in casual conversation, or in public when he's listening to a song that has it, or what have you. He gets it, he's certain, and is now allowed to be part of the club. But again, he's never really part of that club, because he has all the societal advantages of being white, and none of the societal disadvantages of being black. So instead he's just using an oppressed culture to identify as "cool" or "hip". That just furthers the cycle of oppression, doesn't it?

I feel like this is a sort of thing I see with some frequency on SB Nation -- especially in, for example, the NBA reporting, especially in the linguistic choices. Because of how white SB Nation seems to be (at least on the staff end, and I am suspicious that it is also true on the readership end), it's really troubling to me. But when a Progressive Boink person does it, I feel compelled to say something. I got into internet sports culture through The Dugout; I read as much PBoink alum stuff as I can; I'm always impressed by the sensitivity and thoughtfulness of the writing you guys put out compared to a lot of other places.

Anyway, I may be alone in this perception of that article. Furthermore, what I've written might be crazy condescending, both in tone and because I'm white. If any of that is the case, I'm really sorry, as it was not my intention. I just felt very strongly and needed to say something.

#NaNoWriMo First Draft: The Sand Cassel: A Story Through Time: And Space

2012-11-13T02:02:46Z

This year, for #NaNoWriMo, I watched the Kansas City Chiefs (my favorite football team) post something about their inactive players on Facebook, and was inspired by the people who commented on the post. I wanted to sum up their emotions and feelings, so I wrote this novel. I call it "The Sand Cassel"

The Sand Cassel:

The tide rolled in as he walked along the shore. Why did it have to be this way? He held the football in his hands and felt the laces between his fingers. He always felt strongest when the waters were rushing in. What did the tides have to do with his grip? Can the moon be as important to your circadian rhythms as practice, muscle memory, love, fear, hate, and anxiety? Or is the reminder that you don't control anything enough to give you just a little more of an illusion?

This walk was too long, just like all the other walks he had taken. One side of the field, to the other. One side of the Country to another. One place in the huddle to another. One false start to another. A loss can get to a man. You can answer any question under the shield of victory, but the magnifying glass of defeat will never protect you from the wolves. And the wolves were circling with a ferocity that was enough to make this long walk feel like a run. A run away from everything.

"Matt, it's time to go to the stadium." called Jamaal as the sun set on the horizon.

The setting sun is a hackneyed metaphor for the end, he thought. But maybe hackneyed was better than anything else he could give. Hackneyed won't give up two defensive touchdowns in two minutes. Hackneyed might be consecutive three-and-outs, but that's an improvement upon the current tides.

The drive was the worst part. It's so easy to drive in a car, on the street, up to the freeway, off the ramp, into the parking lot. The word drive meant more than that though. Everyone thought it was so easy, Just give the ball to Jamaal and get out of the way. Just throw the ball to Dwayne, and get out of the way. Just get out of the way. He was a quarterback whose job was to get out of the way. To stay out of the way.

His grip on the steering wheel seemed tighter. Like the gravity from a heavenly body was helping his concentration. Like tonight was the night he was going to put it all together. But the cosmos are fickle and fleeting, and he should have known better.

They say that knowing is half the battle. He knew, oh how he knew. He knew that half the battle wasn't nearly enough. He'd been in battles before, never from the beginning, always on the sidelines. He looked good in a clipboard and a hat. His silhouette was perfection on the grass. If you were picking a team on a playground, you would have picked that silhouette too. But as the shadows during the day are fleeting, so was the skill that he so desperately needed to perform. The grip was gone as he walked out the tunnel. Just like that. Like it had never been there in the first place.

How do you throw if you cannot grip? How do you run if you cannot walk? How do you love if everything you know has been taken from you, like the whims of a petulant child? He had given up on trying to understand, preferring an approach that put the responsibility for his failures in the seemingly random nature of the universe. The coin toss was random, that much was known, but as luck would have it, that didn't go his way either.

Have you ever watched a football bounce? If you drop it one time, you will never be able to predict where it will end up. There's a reason why it ends up where it does, but try to calculate that in your head, and you will slowly realize that you weren't put here on this earth to make decisions that fast. That had to be it. It was unnatural. This whole game was a blight upon what is right, and the natural order of things was irrevocably in disrepair because of it.

-xmrblondex

The Sand Cassel:

"Matt, it's time to go to the stadium." called Jamaal as the sun set on the horizon.

-xmrblondex

NHL Lockout Day 24: Scotland Is The New Hot Bed For NHLers, More Boring Labour Relations Stuff & Dominik Hasek Returns?

2012-10-09T17:02:31Z

They say the first few lines of the article should be designed to hook the audience, so with that in mind let’s talk about the ongoing labor relations discussions between the NHL and its players… okay so maybe I didn’t exactly look you but such is life during an NHL lockout… deal with it!

Besides, there really is nothing much to report anyway. The two sides met on Friday and this is the most Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly had to say … ''We are supposed to touch base over the weekend. Nothing more to report right now.'' Sound encouraging? I don’t think so. It is just me or should labor relations laws require the players and the owners to meet every single day until a deal is done? What is it with these extended weekends and long breaks between discussions? Didn’t the two sides have the whole summer to start appearing for this? Especially on Thanksgiving Monday in Canada, you would think the two sides would think enough to give thanks to the fans by meeting and reporting some kind of progress. Not to mention that if the NHL were to follow its regular-season schedule as planned initially, there would’ve been games played yesterday anyway so players and owners in some way would’ve shown up to work.

Enough about that… now on to some more player movement. Boston Bruins center Patrice Bergeron is off to play in Switzerland for Lugano while Detroit Red Wings star Henrik Zetterberg will also be munching on Swiss cheese playing for EV Zug. Andrew Ladd has decided not to join his Winnipeg Jets teammate Evander Kane in the KHL due to family reasons while the San Jose Sharks’ Joel Pavelski will. Jamie Benn of the Dallas stars is Germany bound as are Calude Giroux and Daniel Briere of the Philadelphia Flyers. Bruins captain Zdeno Chara will play in Prague and newly named Colorado Avalanche captain Gabriel Landeskog will play in Sweden.

That’s a lot of movement! Such is life when your hockey skills range from just above adjacent to superstar. However when you are a fringe player like free agent Cody Franson or the Wings’ Drew Miller, you’ve got to be a little more creative. Franson who spent last year with the Toronto Maple Leafs, signed a one year deal with Brynas in the Swedish Elite League and he’ll spend the whole year there regardless of when the lockout ends. On the other hand, Miller is off to Scotland of all places and his agent and former NHLer Jason Woolley commented that Miller and his wife should chalk up the signing as an experience.

To finish things off let’s talk a little bit about the goaltender known as "The Dominator". 47-year-old Stanley Cup Champion and probably someday Hall of Fame inductee Dominik Hasek recently stated that he’ll probably never play in the NHL again since no club has offered him a contract. I could have told him that myself three years ago but I don’t speak check and I don’t have him on Facebook, although it would be really cool if I did.

As strange as it may seem I am totally down for players going to Scotland because I think the lockout will and around the Winter classic just like our boy Wayne Gretzky says it will so really why not try it? Though I’m not so sure most hockey players are down for truly immersing themselves in Scottish traditions like kilts and bag pipes!

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

NHL Lockout Day 16: Ya I Know I Missed A Few Days, But Then Again…SO DID THE OWNERS AND PLAYERS!

2012-10-01T18:29:33Z

Well after a few days off, the owners and the players held meetings over the weekend to continue trying to hammer out a new collective bargaining agreement. Commissioner Gary Bettman’s right-hand man Bill Daley said that the biggest thing the two sides need to do is get the issues of the day on the agenda or something like that… sounds promising for us hockey crazed fans doesn’t it?....NOT!

To add to all of that, report on ESPN.com states that the two sides discussed health and legal matters over the weekend, and that hockey related revenues were not even part of the discussion. The two sides are supposed to meet again on Tuesday to continue talks after the NHL owners and Bill Daley basically said they needed some time to do their homework. When these two sides are not in the boardroom, what exactly are they doing twiddling their thumbs? They have had tons of time and while I for one am not one for preseason games I don’t like the idea that Wayne Gretzky himself is rooting for a new collective bargaining agreement in time for the Winter Classic in early January… sounds like were missing three months of hockey if he’s right.

In actual hockey news there’ve been a few notable player movements to report. New York Islanders center John Tavares is off to play in the Swiss elite league for Bern, Carolina Hurricanes forward Jeff Skinner is saying he no longer wants to play in the American Hockey League, and Ottawa Senators defenseman Erik Karlsson is off to Finland. Winnipeg Jets forward Evander Kane and the Oilers’ Nail Yakupov round out the most notable signings, they’re off to the KHL.

While some players are still deciding where they would like to play, others have got their first two games in with their new teams, including New York Rangers forward Rick Nash. Nash has three goals in three games for HC Davos in the Swiss Elite League but is day-to-day after a suffering a deep bone bruise in his shoulder. Thankfully for Rangers fans, an MRI revealed no structural damage.

You may not be a fan of lesser leagues like the Swiss league and others, but thankfully you won’t have to settle for less talented players when the 2016 Winter Olympics in Russia come along. That’s because it looks like NHL players will play in that tournament after all. This means Canadians like myself will get to witness another gold medal victory while the rest of the world remains jealous of our hockey superiority.

Admittedly this article is kind of all over the place and maybe it’s not that funny, but at least you up-to-date and so am I.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

Admittedly this article is kind of all over the place and maybe it’s not that funny, but at least you up-to-date and so am I.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

Unsolicited Advice: Spilly's Three Step Plan to Lunch Judgement Victory

2012-09-28T17:01:50Z

Spilly, my man.

I have to admit, I'm captivated by your lunchtime efforts. And honestly, I want you to win this thing. I think there will be a week when the competition is just right, where you wake up well before noon, and you have run out of Pop Tarts. If the worlds all collide, I'd say you've got a chance at putting up a pretty good score.

My dad always says that luck is just preparing yourself for an opportunity. I think that your opportunity is coming, and I've got a three step plan to help you stay prepared for your eventual lunch championship.

Spilly, my man.

1) Dish Management - Buy a Dish Wand, and fun smelling soap.

Spilly, the first step to making a good lunch is having a manageable place to do so. Lord knows, I've been one to have a messy kitchen and I know how it feels. Here's a list of thoughts you are probably having:

"This kitchen will never get clean."
"This place is depressing."
"I'll just eat something I don't have to go in the kitchen for."
"The television is much more interesting."
"I am asleep."

But making lunch when you have a clean kitchen is very freeing! You have room to put out a plate, set your canvas of food in front of you and make some real art. I know that this has to appeal to you, as you are very good at making a recap of your food as you are going through it.

So my first piece of advice is to Get a Dish Wand. What is a Dish Wand, you ask? It's the number one dishwashing invention besides the dishwasher.

The worst part of dishwashing in my opinion is that sponges always make your hands smell really really really bad. The Dish Wand solves that problem. Because plastic doesn't hold that sponge smell, your hands are free to wash and have no unintended smelly consequences. As a bonus, get some soap that smells nice. You can get both of these things at your dollar store. Around here, we have Ajax Orange soap in the house. mmmmmmm oranges.

2) Eat food you don't have to cook (AKA unplug your microwave)

It seems like a lot of your meals are aided by the microwave oven. I've got to tell you, this is probably the easiest part to follow. As long as you buy some food that doesn't require cooking, you're getting rid of the microwave as the key to your meal. Here's some food that doesn't require "cooking" in the traditional sense:

Sandwiches
Fruit Salads
Meat and cheese plates
Tortilla wraps

I believe that you can make something that doesn't use the microwave that will be totally delicious. A nicely constructed sandwich? Mmmmmmmm, I'm getting hungry already.

3) Buy food that isn't processed. (Fruit is your friend)

I think one of the biggest things that is a problem with your lunches as currently constructed is the fact that they are made up of multiple parts that are processed half to death. I'm enamored with your level of innovation, but I don't think it's going to do much for getting a better score from the man upstairs. So, I submit to you that it's time to get some fruit from the store to spice up your lunches.

I'm not going to go as far to tell you that you should get vegetables or whole grain breads. I think this is too much of a step. Go to the store and buy whichever type of apple is the cheapest! (You can use @beenplumb's guide to apples if you want to get fancy.) Grab a bag of grapes on sale. Bananas! So cheap, and so easy. You can eat them as they are, or you can cut them all up and put them in a bowl with some yogurt. BAM! Instant fruit salad.

It's definitely important that you don't let the food go bad, especially being on a tight budget. So don't go overboard and buy 5 bananas and 5 apples, start off somewhere in the middle. Buy a small loaf of bread instead of a big one.

So, I think as long as you put a little bit of a different kind of effort into your lunch, you can start earning those high lunch marks you deserve. Does anyone have any quick and easy tips or recipes to help Spilly out on his endeavor? Leave them in the comments! Good luck Spilly. Godspeed.

ESPN Reports The Real NFL Refs Could Be Back By This Sunday

2012-09-27T17:13:00Z

Green Bay Packers guard TJ Lang may not have just started a re-tweet revolution on twitter. It turns out his willingness to take a fine and express his opinion openly about the referees’ collective decision to award the Seattle Seahawks a touchdown on the last play of this past Monday’s game may have single-handedly brought the league and the real referees back to the bargaining table and they may have a deal in place in time for Week 4’s games.

The 4th year guard out of Brother Rice high school in Michigan tweeted this after his team lost to the Seahawks:

"F*** It NFL. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs."

OK so it may not be Lang’s now record 96,000+ re-tweets that single handedly got the league and its officials back to the bargaining table, but it sure did state the obvious and let the league know how embarrassed they should be about the product they have been putting on the field when it comes to officiating.

As if this tweet wasn’t enough, after the game Roger Goodell and league officials backpedaled faster than Seahawks’ cornerback Marcus Trufant out running a sports car on the Discovery Channel (in case you’re wondering, Trufant won that race). There is really no surprise there of course you would expect league officials were locking out referees to back up their own decision and downplay the severity of the bad call, But when you consider the fact that the real referees should be back and working as of this Sunday at the earliest and the fact that Mr. Lang will not be fined for his comments regarding Monday nights debacle, it’s obvious they agree that the wrong call was made.

To go along with that a small casino in Las Vegas is offering fans a refund if they chose the Green Bay Packers on Monday which I think is really cool, and it turns out that sports book.com is also offering the same deal to betters. In all seriousness millions of dollars exchanged hands based on that one play, the exact number is unknown but it said to be around $200 million or upwards of that, and it will be great to see the referees back in uniform and working full time as they should be. Especially when you consider the fact that the difference between the two sides that The referee is locked out was about $3.2 million, amounting to $100,000 per team, which is peanuts to an NFL owner.

The only question now is how long will the honeymoon last when the old referees come back and start officiating games this coming Sunday? Of course the players and coaches and even the fans respect the real officials and can’t wait to have them back, but this is pro sports and you just know that the officials are going to make their mistakes as well, they probably just won’t be scrutinized as much.

**Update: The referees have a deal in place and will be ready for Sunday's games.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

The 4th year guard out of Brother Rice high school in Michigan tweeted this after his team lost to the Seahawks:

"F*** It NFL. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs."

**Update: The referees have a deal in place and will be ready for Sunday's games.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

Prokhorov Says The Brooklyn Nets’ 5-Year Plan Is On Schedule …& Other Stuff

2012-09-22T13:20:38Z

While I strongly disagree that the Brooklyn Nets have all the tools in place to satisfy their owners’ five year championship plan, I sure did find the short little tidbit that ESPN posted of Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov’s speech at the grand opening of the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn. He really didn’t say anything too offbeat or outwardly hilarious while making his statements but he just had a great delivery and totally tried to make it seem like he was one of Brooklyn’s own, even though his thick Russian accent would tell you otherwise. Let’s face it, Prokhorov not being American doesn’t really matter anyway…I’m sure the US government could just give him citizenship on the grounds that he’s filthy rich and he can clearly afford to pay a Broadway performer to act as his stand in anyway and pretend to be the American Mikhail Prokhorov.

While we’re on the subject of Prokhorov trying to relate to Brooklyn natives, there’s one thing his team hasn’t been able to relate to in the NBA….Winning! The Nets franchise hasn’t made the playoffs since the 2006-07 season. While they are pretty much a sure fire bet to make it this coming year, I think most of us can agree that Joe Johnson, Deron Williams and Brooke Lopez don’t exactly form a championship caliber big three, and they are certainly not built to dispose of the reigning champion Miami Heat or the revamped Los Angeles Lakers.

I especially don’t like the addition of Joe Johnson and think the $90 million he is owed over the next three years is way to over priced, even if the acquisition of Johnson is just a cost of doing business with Deron Williams. Johnson was the leader of a mediocre and definitely not championship caliber Atlanta Hawks team, and since a championship is the only goal that will satisfy this current five-year plan of Prokhorov’s, I think you have got to view the Johnson move as a temporary bandaid solution. Sure he’s an All-Star, but does anyone talk about this guy in the same breath as guys who currently earn a similar annual income? (AKA Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire). I understand that Johnson wasn’t selected in the same draft year as LeBron James or Carmelo, but it doesn’t seem that too many fans or analysts ever debate about whether he’s better than any of those guys and that’s simply because he isn’t.

As for Williams and Lopez, Williams is clearly a star and the team really felt they had to have him going into a new arena with a new team name and all, and in the case of Lopez’s extension, it’s a good deal that will guarantee them solid production at fair market value and avoid any kind of distraction that would disrupt the team, especially considering how much of that there could have been with Dwight Howard in a Nets uniform.

Unless the Nets somehow land Dwight Howard after his year in Los Angeles let’s face it, they probably wont complete the goal of winning an NBA title within five years of Prokhorov buying the team, but at least there is excitement around the team and the executives there are going to great lengths to try and make things happen. As a fan of basketball, especially if you’re rooting for Brooklyn, you’ve got to be pumped about that.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

NHL Lockout 2012 Day 7: Getting’ Off Gary Bettman’s Back

2012-09-22T11:45:07Z

Here’s the deal…it’s just past 7am on a Saturday and I can’t sleep, and as much as Saturdays are usually supposed to be reserved for sleeping in, I can’t help but lie restless in bed over the flack that people are giving NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. Ok so the truth is I could sleep like a baby no matter what’s happening to Gary but for whatever reason I just can’t keep my eyes shut today, so here we are even though it’s too early on a Saturday to get any real lockout updates. The fact is there just won’t be that many news bits today so I might as well rant about the fact that people are giving the commissioner a rough ride unjustly.

In an earlier article I wrote over the past week, I wrote informed you that if you want to sign a petition to have Bettman fired, the website Change.org has a few options that may quench your pseudo-activist thirst. However there really is no reason to let the man go as he is doing an absolutely great job and (other than his insistence on growing the game of hockey in the southern United States) has handled his business every step of the way. Don’t get my wrong here, I understand this is the man who is partially responsible for three different work stoppages since 1994 (more than any other of the four major sports) but you have to understand that these stoppages are not a result of Bettman, he’s just a messenger.

His job really only involves one key task… to relay the thoughts and feelings of the owners, not the players or the fans. See as much as commissioners are suppose to act as liasons between players and owners, the one thing about that is that Bettman’s paychecks are signed by the NHL Board of Governors, it isn’t as if the player’s union chips in any dough in that regard. This means that you kind of sort of have a conflict of interest because as much as public perception dictates that the Commissioner’s job is to get hockey back on the ice, in reality his job is moreso to do whatever his bosses tell him to do and you know what? He’s doing exactly that!

Now you may sit around and argue that if Gary is not really interested in getting the NHL back on the ice and he can’t really be impartial to both sides of the argument in the lockout because he gets paid by the owners then he shouldn’t really be employed as commissioner, but every other commissioner in pro sports deals with the same dilemma. Besides, think about it in the context of your own career…have you ever had to do things you didn’t want to do just to keep your paycheck coming in and avoid losing what you have worked hard for? I know I’ve been there.

So if you want to be mad at someone and can’t decide which party should get the brunt of your wrath, I recommend going with the owners since they are the ones with the most leverage anytime a professional league isn’t playing its scheduled games. Heck, as long as fans keep going to games as a source of entertainment, the owners even have leverage over us because they know we’ll come back! Unlike most fans and players, owners know what customers want and they know how to market things to people better than anyone else…that’s how they became billionaires and joined an elite group of the richest people in the world.

At the end of the day, we can complain about the lockout as much as we want and sign all the petitions our hearts desire. The fact of the matter is the only leverage we have is to refuse showing up to games, and as much as hockey is not as popular as other sports around the world, there are too many of us fanatics out there who will still show up and part with out money for a good ol’ hockey game.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

Andre Brown Is Giving Ahmad Bradshaw Owners Reason To Sweat

2012-09-21T17:23:54Z

If you drafted Ahmad Bradshaw in your fantasy pool the way I did, it’s safe to say you were probably pretty nervous about it. I for one never wanted Bradshaw even though he is on my roster right now, but someone snagged Reggie Bush right before me. Since Bush is the centerpiece of a team with limited offensive options, many have picked him to compete for this year’s rushing title and I think it’s safe to say he’ll do better than our boy Bradshaw because he’ll get considerably more touches. This is assuming both players stay healthy, which can’t be said for Bradshaw anymore because he sat out last night’s win over the Carolina Panthers.

So if you’re like me and you lost a free agent bidding war for Brown, you were planted on the edge of your seat just hoping that Andre Brown and David Wilson struggled to produce or hold on to the football. For what it’s worth I think Wilson has been given a raw deal and an unfit punishment for fumbling in the opening week against the Dallas Cowboys, but then again the fact that he cried like a baby on the sidelines afterwards is probably something the Giants coaching staff viewed as mental weakness and it was most likely a contributing factor that has relegated Wilson to kick returns ever since.

As for hoping that Brown would somehow fail to produce…it didn’t happen. During last night’s telecast I heard that the former North Carolina State running back has been cut seven times in his short NFL career and last night, he proved that persistence pays off. Brown ran for 113 yards and a pair of touchdowns on 20 carries in a 36-7 Giants victory. Depending on how much you listen to fantasy experts give their advice, I’m sure you knew at the beginning of the season that David Wilson was actually the main threat to take away carries from Bradshaw.

As it turns out it’ll be Brown that eats away at Bradshaw’s touches but the real question is how much will Bradshaw’s production decrease if and when he returns? and when will we owners reach the point where Bradshaw isn’t a viable option anymore? My advice is to hold onto Bradshaw for at least a few weeks, espescially if you didn’t get Brown and hope you can get by using a different back or receiver (I’m bringing in Lance Moore from the New Orleans Saints off the bench) and hope that you can keep your team competitive until Tom Coughlin or Bradshaw himself says he’s MIA for the long-term or now longer the feature back.

And of course…pay close attention to the waiver wire this week and be smart with your free agent bids.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

And of course…pay close attention to the waiver wire this week and be smart with your free agent bids.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

NHL Lockout Day 6: Players May Be Trading In Steak & Potatoes For Swedish Meatballs

2012-09-21T16:19:20Z

There are many lifestyle changes that a hockey player who was locked out in North America must adapt to when they move to Europe. One of those lifestyle changes is what they’re going to be eating, not that they could not get steak and potatoes in Europe, the temperature that taste better here in North America. Whether you like steak and potatoes or not, there is something to be said for a nice bowl of Swedish meatballs and not the players look like they may be feasting on if they decide to move to the Swedish elite league known as Elitserien, as that league is now not just providing hockey to watch for those eating Swedish meatballs, but it is now also open for business for players who need a job.

Antitrust laws and continuing battles between owners and players have dictated that the Swedish Elite League can now open its doors to NHL players that are locked out. This gives the players a much-needed third option in terms of places to go besides Russia and Switzerland. Besides the fact that it’s another place to play, Swedish leagues are widely regarded as some of the best in the world and they will allow NHL players to play against professionals that are on the same level that they are on and perhaps avoid playing in the AHL, even though I’m sure some players think it would be pretty sweet to dominate the minor leagues for a year the way Jason Spezza did the last time there was a lockout.

I can’t sit here and lie to you, I subscribe to some of the sports world’s leading RSS feeds and it’s only around noontime on day six so there isn’t that much more news to report. Let’s face it though once most of the players are signed overseas as long as there isn’t a deal there won’t really be much news besides boring labor talk anyway.

From my experience whenever a particular sport or game is lacking interest, nothing spices things up like word of a scandal or a sports bet. I’m not one for tabloid journalism but I’m curious to see what you fans out there think about when the lockout will actually end. My guess is that it will end sometime at the end of November and the NHL will still play the shortened season (if they are smart that is), maybe that is more of a hope than a guess.

So…when do you think the NHL lockout is going to end?

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

So…when do you think the NHL lockout is going to end?

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

How To Stop Death Threats Against Athletes On Twitter

2012-09-20T21:39:38Z

Ever since I started writing articles at SB nation just a few short weeks ago, I have experienced first hand what internet nerds, bloggers and yes even sports fans alike refer to as trolling. Trolling is a process whereby a random reader or viewer of your content online chooses to tell you why your content sucks and why it doesn’t meet their journalistic or video viewing standards, even though most of those trolls have never written anything or done anything themselves to provide entertainment to folks like you and me. Most of them are in their mid to late 30s and 40s and have never actually accomplished anything themselves that is worth any value… No offense to anyone in the 30s and 40s that is not a troll… thanks for your support! Please tell some of your colleagues to get their heads out of their asses and stop living under a bridge! If you want quality content stop googling free stuff and pay for your local newspaper you cheap little troll!

Now that I’ve had a chance to vent and speak out on behalf of all the aspiring sports journalist who post on SB Nation sites it’s time to get a little more serious and talk about people who have big balls on Twitter but lack them in the real world AKA sports fans who threaten death…

We need to talk about it because over the weekend Joshua Morgan of the Washington Redskins, a native of DC no less, received death threats after he threw a football at St. Louis Rams cornerback Cortland Finnegan and took a penalty for it, costing the Redskins the game. Not to mention that Morgan was initially the player who caught the ball in the first place and originally put the Redskins in field goal range in the first place.

Something tells me nobody would have sent Morgan death threats had he dropped the pass in the first place and never reached the point of being penalized, but because every threatening fan out there seems to have more self-control over their anger than Morgan it’s like they have the right to say whatever they want… because clearly fans who have nothing better to do than to post death threats on Twitter are taking the right approach to anger management!...pffttt…

Throughout all this trash talk in the Twitterverse, have these haters forgotten that Finnegan is considered one of the dirtiest players in the NFL and that he once got his ass kicked by Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson? Finnegan is the type of player you would love to have on your team but hate to play against so I don’t blame Morgan for losing his cool and you shouldn’t either (I’m not a Redskins fan by the way, but the man deserves some slack).

Of course the recent death threats against Morgan are just one of a handful that have occurred over the past year in sports. In basketball Los Angeles Lakers guard Steve Blake got a slew of them after missing a big shot against Oklahoma City Thunder in the NBA playoffs, Kyle Williams of the San Francisco 49ers was threatened after dropping a punt in the NFC Championship game last season that cost his team a trip to the Super Bowl, and then there is Washington Capitals forward Joel Ward, who eliminated the Boston Bruins from the playoffs last season and was hounded with racist remarks just because he happens to be African-American.

That last example in particular goes to show you that there really is no winning when it comes to stupid idiot trolls who have nothing better to do than to intimidate people through their computer. Perhaps there is a price to pay if you are an athlete who’s trying to brand yourself and push your business exploits on your fans using social media, but going after an athlete and saying they should die or that their family should go to hell, or wishing any kind of ill will on people like that whatsoever is despicable.

What I think we should do is line up these average Joe’s against athletes just like on Spike TV except instead of competing using a hockey puck, a football or basketball, the athletes should be allowed to hurl their ball or puck of choice at the so-called fans while the rest of us watch at home and call it the latest craze in reality television. Or better yet, we should give these trolls a taste of their own medicine and make websites that are dedicated to exposing them. Some name ideas for these potential sites just off the top of my head include: Exposetrolls.com, stoptwitterthreats.org (maybe if we make it non-for-profit athletes will join in and make public service announcements?) or my personal favorite…WhoGivesAF***AboutTrollsWho’veNeverAccomplishedAnythingAnyway.com (not sure if GoDaddy allows that many characters in a domain name).

I’m sure some of these types of sites already exist and people out there should go out and give them more traction by contributing and looking for these trolls, exposing them to the world. For now I’d ask that you please stop trolling athletes if you’re one of the people that do and even though I’m not one please don’t troll me either. If you do I’ll be the Andre Johnson to your Cortland Finnegan Sucka!!!...but only as much as hiding behind my Macbook will allow me to be.

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on Twitter @jackchoros.

NHL Lockout 2012, Day 5: Labour Relations Boards and Hockey Don’t Mix

2012-09-20T20:04:54Z

For whatever reason the term Labor Relations Board conjures up images of autoworkers, teachers and janitors to me… not hockey players. Members of the NHLPA tried to file an injunction in Québec based on the provinces statutory laws saying that the NHL owners blocking out the players is unconstitutional. Unfortunately for the players the league one-man battle so now the players are moving very soon debate to the province of Alberta were the same statutory law exists. I think we all know what’s next, the players lose or the hearing was postponed to a later date. Either way it looks like there will be hockey for a long time to come, at least of the NHL variety.

I’m sure that the players have thought of doing this before and going to a Labor Relations Board is nothing new, but to me it just seems like a bunch of players desperate to play in North America because they don’t want to leave their families and go overseas for a paycheck. Unfortunately those players are going to have much to hang on to in a few weeks, especially considering the NHL’s main competitor in Russia, the Kontinental Hockey League, stated recently that they will only be excepting top talent into their league and that the fringe players from North America can stay home or go somewhere else.

It has also been announced that the NHL will no longer be covering insurance premiums for players as they had elsewhere to play, meaning that the NHL PA will now fit the bill for those premiums. Insurance for hockey players can run anywhere between 20 and $70,000 depending on the players age, injury history and a variety of other factors so I guess players can rest assured that if they do get hurt while playing away from home they won’t have to have fans raise money for them on Facebook to be flown in from Europe, seeing as how they wouldn’t be able to afford those costs out of pocket…NOT!

As for more players moving overseas, whole bunch of Boston Bruins are moving around to various leagues including young star Tyler Seguin who will play in Switzerland after recently signing a long term deal with the Bruins. Besides say again and Alexander Ovechkin, the list of players now headed overseas includes stars like Pavel Datsyuk and Evgeni Malkin. While Ovechkin has expressed that he might not come back to the NHL if he does not like the new collective bargaining agreement, there may be more of that kind of talk from players as the weeks go by and for the first time in hockey history the NHL has a legitimate reason to worry about losing some of its top talent to a competitor for good.

There is an idea! Maybe all the players should stand together and book flights to Russia. Maybe then the NHL owners will sit down at table with them and hammer this thing out?. Perhaps not! Although I myself am a descendent of Polish immigrants who learned Russian as a second language going through school, I don’t speak and myself. Does anyone know how to say, "canceled season" in Russian?

If you would like to follow more of the sports stuff that I have been doing, you can follow me on twitter @jackchoros.

PxB Workout Plan

2012-09-19T00:03:27Z

Hey guys, it's me, beenplumb, and I'm here today to show you how to whip your filthy, disgusting body into a lean, mean, glass-eating machine with my newly designed workout routine: PxB, where the P stands for PAIN, X stands for X-TREME, and B stands for BEENPLUMB. This workout is guaranteed to knock fat off your face, and calories off your cuffs.

Keep in mind, PxB is not for everyone. It's an intensely scrupulous routine, designed to maximize your arms, legs, hands, core, abs, thyroids, chest, biceps, meniscus, feet, and everything in between. If at any time you feel like you need to stop, DON'T. Pain is weakness leaving your soul. So what are we waiting for? Let's get to it!

The first and most important part of the workout is the warm up. We're going to start by getting into some jumping smacks. It's just like a jumping jack, except when you're in the air, go ahead and just lift both hands up so they come over your head, "smacking" in mid-air. It's just like you're giving yourself a high five, AND jumping at the same time. Make sure to get at least one foot off of the ground at ALL times.

Feeling warm? Great, now let's shift our focus to the core. The core is the most important muscle in your body, as it allows you to twist and contort into nearly any shape. This is going to help a lot with our next move. What I want you to do is to take your palms, really open them up, and jam them into your sides, while jutting your hips out as far as possible. If you feel a tightening or snapping in your lower back, you know your body is responding just the way you want it to. Don't be afraid to really jam them out there. And remember, always keep at least one foot off of the ground. Give me 25 reps of this. You're looking great already!

For our next move, I want you to get into the squat position: TIGER CROUCH. Let's go ahead and just jump down into TIGER CROUCH right now to get ready for our next move. Renowned fitness expert Jennifer Romaine Stamos was kind enough to lend us some tips on getting the perfect TIGER CROUCH form:

If you want those linebacker thighs, remember to get as much separation between your legs as possible. Here at PxB, we earn everything in sweat!

While we're down in TIGER CROUCH, I want you to stretch your arms out in front of you. Now with your hands out, I want you to close your eyes, tight. Really work those eyelid muscles. Remember, the more reps you can get with each muscle group, the more likely you are to impress that hot co-worker you've been farting in front of on accident. PxB is going to give you those buns she can't help but notice!

Now, with your eyes closed tightly, still in TIGER CROUCH, you're going to just fall forward, catching yourself with your outstretched palms facing downward. Again, it's really important here to have your thighs tight, with plenty of separation, and keep that foot off the floor! Feet off the floor; we want some more!

Comedian Phil Cosby (RIP) was an expert workoutologist extraordinaire (RIPPED!).

By now you're probably feeling super jacked. If you've thrown up at this point, that's okay. The important part is to NEVER quit. Did you know the juice in your stomach is lousy with acid? Yuck! The faster we can get that crud out of our bodies, the sooner we'll develop those John Lith-glutes! Let's get back to it.

This next move is one of the best-kept secrets in the work-out world, but boy is it ever important. It's called the Falling Tree. For this move, I want you to stand up straight like you've got a tree stapled right to your back. Now, with your eyes closed (tightly, keep those babies shut tight!) go ahead and lift your arms out straight in front of you. With your eyes closed and your arms out (remember, one foot off the floor; Always one foot off the floor), go ahead and just fall forward directly onto your wide open palms. Don't forget to catch yourself as your body approaches the floor. If you miss the first time, that's fine, just pick yourself up and get back into it. Chipped teeth are the cornerstone to any serious workout routine, just ask renowned hockey expert Syndey Cosby:

Whew, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling beat. Now's a great time for us to take a quick drink break, and then get right back into it. Many people don't realize this, but your body actually uses food as fuel, similar to the way a rocket ship uses fuel as gasoline. For this reason it's important to remember to eat and drink only the highest quality beverages before, during, and after strenuous activity. The bigger and beafier your food and drinks are, the bigger and beafier you'll become. That's why I always have a milkshake handy during my workout. Nothing cools the body while adding muscle mass like a frosty from Wendy's, or a triple-thick shamrock shake from McDonald's (boy did those Irish ever get desserts right!). If you still feel thirsty, that's your body telling you it's time to get back into it!

She's got the idea!

Alright, now that we're good and hydrated, it's time for our final move. This one is tough, and I certainly don't expect you to finish it with me on the first time. Remember to stick with it for results! Ready? Let's get into this!

For the final move, I want you to lay flat on your back. I call this one the JACKED-hammer. If you have some resistance bands handy, now is the time to use them. With your arms extended to your sides, I want you to lift your back off of the ground slowly. Now, in bridge position, let's go ahead and get that left leg extended as high up in the air possible. Hold that for 5 seconds, and then slam it down into the ground as hard as you can. Feelin' good? Alright, now let's get that right leg up there. Remember, whatever we do to one side, we have to do to the other. Let's make sure we really slam that leg down as hard as we can - results are born out of sweat and injury. If ever you feel like you're working too hard, or that something is wrong, take a sip of your milkshake, catch your breath, and get right back into it. Results speak for themselves, and so should that booty! Let's get 25 more reps in.

Whew, look at you! Go ahead, reach around, and give yourself a big ol' pat on the back, because you just completed your first day of PxB. If you're anything like me, you've gotta be feelin' pretty good right about now. That's a wrap on the workout, but remember, your day is far from over. Now that we've got the body we want, we want to make sure the whole world notices it. That means being aggressive. Now that you've got the confidence boost PxB guarantees, feel free to flaunt it right in that stupid, fat little intern's face, you know the one who is just SO COOL because he just graduated and thinks he's hot shit. Amanda doesn't even like that idiot - he smells like bacon every single morning. EVERY MORNING. Don't like your boss? Get in his face, today! Feel like cutting someone off on the freeway? Do work! Nothing can stop you now that you've started PxB.

Great job today, guys. We'll see you back here next time for more PxB, exclusively here on Progressive Boink!

Comments for Movie Bracket

2012-09-18T19:24:40Z

As the Movie Bracket went up, I noticed that the comments section was closed. I hope this isn't an attempt at Internet censorship. In order to combat this blatant attack on our inalienable rights, I'm opening this FanPost up as a comment space. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't; it's here regardless. My thoughts after the jump...

There are 2 Star Wars entries and I'm confused by which movie the second entry represents. Fugitive v. Tombstone will be close, but I think that Fugitive will ultimately win out. The Thing is too old to gather any real Internet user support. Princess Bride will pull off an 'upset' though I really don't see it as one. Jaws v. Tremor will also be close, but the sheer popularity of Jaws will take it. Jurassic Park is going up against.... Red October which favors Jurassic Park. I'm sad that Kill Bill and Ocean's 11 are probably going to lose despite my votes for them. That's my One sentence per match-up review. Comments are open. Down with 'The Man'!!

**Revision**

They opened the comments on the initial post but my post will remain here with my opinions. Feel free to shoot my opinions down. Or lift them up. I tend to enjoy that.

**Re-Revised**

They aren't open on a matchup-to-matchup basis. So my post remains as a source of pure Internet. Pure.