"What does it feel like to be [age]?" We all ask and are asked this question on an annual basis. It's a pretty banal question, right? There's no satisfactory answer for it. How does it feel to be 26? LOL I DON'T KNOW MAN HAHA

But as I've learned, the 30th birthday is different. It's a question I can actually answer! Here, in a series of bullet points, is what it feels like to be 30 years old.

• A worthless fucking old pile of shit
• Garbage, but better, because I will at least walk my haggard ass to the curb
• Fucking horrible as fuck
• Useless
• Two or three trillion cells that can't wait to be worm food
• The worst and oldest person in the entire world
• Pre-shit
• A rusty pipe some kid found in an abandoned warehouse and dropped halfway home because it wasn't that cool after all
• A copy of "Meet the Deedles" on HD-DVD
• Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking old
• God's weird uncle