Hey guys, it's me, beenplumb, and I'm here today to show you how to whip your filthy, disgusting body into a lean, mean, glass-eating machine with my newly designed workout routine: PxB, where the P stands for PAIN, X stands for X-TREME, and B stands for BEENPLUMB. This workout is guaranteed to knock fat off your face, and calories off your cuffs.
Keep in mind, PxB is not for everyone. It's an intensely scrupulous routine, designed to maximize your arms, legs, hands, core, abs, thyroids, chest, biceps, meniscus, feet, and everything in between. If at any time you feel like you need to stop, DON'T. Pain is weakness leaving your soul. So what are we waiting for? Let's get to it!
The first and most important part of the workout is the warm up. We're going to start by getting into some jumping smacks. It's just like a jumping jack, except when you're in the air, go ahead and just lift both hands up so they come over your head, "smacking" in mid-air. It's just like you're giving yourself a high five, AND jumping at the same time. Make sure to get at least one foot off of the ground at ALL times.
Feeling warm? Great, now let's shift our focus to the core. The core is the most important muscle in your body, as it allows you to twist and contort into nearly any shape. This is going to help a lot with our next move. What I want you to do is to take your palms, really open them up, and jam them into your sides, while jutting your hips out as far as possible. If you feel a tightening or snapping in your lower back, you know your body is responding just the way you want it to. Don't be afraid to really jam them out there. And remember, always keep at least one foot off of the ground. Give me 25 reps of this. You're looking great already!
For our next move, I want you to get into the squat position: TIGER CROUCH. Let's go ahead and just jump down into TIGER CROUCH right now to get ready for our next move. Renowned fitness expert Jennifer Romaine Stamos was kind enough to lend us some tips on getting the perfect TIGER CROUCH form:
If you want those linebacker thighs, remember to get as much separation between your legs as possible. Here at PxB, we earn everything in sweat!
While we're down in TIGER CROUCH, I want you to stretch your arms out in front of you. Now with your hands out, I want you to close your eyes, tight. Really work those eyelid muscles. Remember, the more reps you can get with each muscle group, the more likely you are to impress that hot co-worker you've been farting in front of on accident. PxB is going to give you those buns she can't help but notice!
Now, with your eyes closed tightly, still in TIGER CROUCH, you're going to just fall forward, catching yourself with your outstretched palms facing downward. Again, it's really important here to have your thighs tight, with plenty of separation, and keep that foot off the floor! Feet off the floor; we want some more!
Comedian Phil Cosby (RIP) was an expert workoutologist extraordinaire (RIPPED!).
By now you're probably feeling super jacked. If you've thrown up at this point, that's okay. The important part is to NEVER quit. Did you know the juice in your stomach is lousy with acid? Yuck! The faster we can get that crud out of our bodies, the sooner we'll develop those John Lith-glutes! Let's get back to it.
This next move is one of the best-kept secrets in the work-out world, but boy is it ever important. It's called the Falling Tree. For this move, I want you to stand up straight like you've got a tree stapled right to your back. Now, with your eyes closed (tightly, keep those babies shut tight!) go ahead and lift your arms out straight in front of you. With your eyes closed and your arms out (remember, one foot off the floor; Always one foot off the floor), go ahead and just fall forward directly onto your wide open palms. Don't forget to catch yourself as your body approaches the floor. If you miss the first time, that's fine, just pick yourself up and get back into it. Chipped teeth are the cornerstone to any serious workout routine, just ask renowned hockey expert Syndey Cosby:
Whew, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling beat. Now's a great time for us to take a quick drink break, and then get right back into it. Many people don't realize this, but your body actually uses food as fuel, similar to the way a rocket ship uses fuel as gasoline. For this reason it's important to remember to eat and drink only the highest quality beverages before, during, and after strenuous activity. The bigger and beafier your food and drinks are, the bigger and beafier you'll become. That's why I always have a milkshake handy during my workout. Nothing cools the body while adding muscle mass like a frosty from Wendy's, or a triple-thick shamrock shake from McDonald's (boy did those Irish ever get desserts right!). If you still feel thirsty, that's your body telling you it's time to get back into it!
She's got the idea!
Alright, now that we're good and hydrated, it's time for our final move. This one is tough, and I certainly don't expect you to finish it with me on the first time. Remember to stick with it for results! Ready? Let's get into this!
For the final move, I want you to lay flat on your back. I call this one the JACKED-hammer. If you have some resistance bands handy, now is the time to use them. With your arms extended to your sides, I want you to lift your back off of the ground slowly. Now, in bridge position, let's go ahead and get that left leg extended as high up in the air possible. Hold that for 5 seconds, and then slam it down into the ground as hard as you can. Feelin' good? Alright, now let's get that right leg up there. Remember, whatever we do to one side, we have to do to the other. Let's make sure we really slam that leg down as hard as we can - results are born out of sweat and injury. If ever you feel like you're working too hard, or that something is wrong, take a sip of your milkshake, catch your breath, and get right back into it. Results speak for themselves, and so should that booty! Let's get 25 more reps in.
Whew, look at you! Go ahead, reach around, and give yourself a big ol' pat on the back, because you just completed your first day of PxB. If you're anything like me, you've gotta be feelin' pretty good right about now. That's a wrap on the workout, but remember, your day is far from over. Now that we've got the body we want, we want to make sure the whole world notices it. That means being aggressive. Now that you've got the confidence boost PxB guarantees, feel free to flaunt it right in that stupid, fat little intern's face, you know the one who is just SO COOL because he just graduated and thinks he's hot shit. Amanda doesn't even like that idiot - he smells like bacon every single morning. EVERY MORNING. Don't like your boss? Get in his face, today! Feel like cutting someone off on the freeway? Do work! Nothing can stop you now that you've started PxB.
Great job today, guys. We'll see you back here next time for more PxB, exclusively here on Progressive Boink!