In case you somehow missed it, Saturday was the inaugural DORITOS LOCOS THROWDOWN OH-TWELVE, an evening set aside for people on the Internet to eat as many Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell as they could in an hour. By any metric, the event was a rousing success. Particularly if the metric you're using is "total tacos consumed."
At the end of the evening, we had some people filled with regret and others filled with despair. Most of all, however, we were filled with tacos. Vaguely Doritos-flavored tacos. Increasingly soggy tacos. We crowned co-champions and we have tales to tell. Listen to them with us, won't you?
The ultimate winners of the event, with 17 tacos consumed each, were the Internet's @PegPelvisPete and our own P-Boi staffer Pete. Please take a moment to congratulate them in the comments or to perhaps follow them on Twitter. They would greatly appreciate either, I'm sure.
Some of the participants were able to consume 10 or 12 tacos, which is certainly commendable. Personally, I could only manage nine -- and even that number was mostly spurred on by my sitting so close to Pete as he powered through his Herculean task. After I powered through my ninth DoLo, I certainly had time enough to try for a tenth, but while I felt I definitely COULD eat that delightfully round number, it would not be without consequence. I am glad I refrained, for just a short time later I felt fine. And apart from a powerful thirst the following morning, I was none the worse for wear. In fact, I had the remaining three tacos from my Fiesta Party Pack the following day for an afternoon snack. They were eaten cold, out of the refrigerator, presenting no significant drop-off in quality, flavor or texture. This, I feel, is far from a compliment.
But enough! You are not here to be bludgeoned to sleep by the story of a rank loser. You are here to be awed by the epic story of a superhuman victor.
Without further ado, here is Pete's first-hand account of his tremendous accomplishment. Read on and let his words be a balm to your soul.
I think all people have impulses of which they are not proud, and in many ways I am very glad that all mine led me to do is consume as many Doritos Locos Tacos as possible. This was impulsive, nor did I have to make some measured decision about whether I should or should not participate. As soon as Bill announced it was taking place, I knew I would do it, and I knew I would try to win. Is winning the right word? Was this a contest? I really should have bothered to check that before I started. I can eat, both in the sense that I enjoy consuming substantial amounts of food and that I am capable of pushing past the point where my body says, "Hey pal, you're nourished. Good job!" Anyone who has ever really gorged knows what the territory past that point feels like. It's not fun; your body races to develop levels of discomfort that can keep pace with the shame your mind is putting out. (It's up to the task.)