FanPost

R.I.P. Splitscreen

Splitscreen is dead. Online gaming hath murdered it. Yet Splitscreen does not wish its death to be a sad or dreary occasion, but rather a celebration of its life. Rather than focus on the new wave of terrible video games, Splitscreen wished to be remembered with fondness by the college kids with a ps2 in their dorm room. After the jump we will visit in on the funeral of our dear friend Splitscreen Gaming.

/Reverend walks in to church sanctuary. A small casket lays on the table. Only a few are in attendance

Reverend: "We gather here today in remembrance of this fine creation. Splitscreen was a good tool and would always enhance the relationships of young boys experiencing the joys James Bond Nightfire for the very first time. Without Splitscreen, Mario Cart would have never flourished. Super Smash Brothers would never have gotten off the ground. Yet Splitscreen made these a reality. He alone made video game bonding possible outside of the arcade or the constraints of playing a campaign mode and switching off controllers. Splitscreen lived a good life. It wasn't until the tragic upbringing of the devil spawn Online Gaming that Splitscreen lived in fear. Meandering along the new releases, Splitscreen would have to beg to be included, knowing that soon Online Gaming would be there to make Splitscreen meet its creator."

/Reverend begins to have a solemn tear roll down his face

Reverend (in a choked voice): He saw it coming too... He watched as games such as Call of Duty continued to include him, but rather than focusing on him, they let Online Gaming push him aside. Then, Splitscreen, God rest his soul, watched as Online Gaming took over his heart. The joy Splitscreen brought to friends like Phil and Ted playing Tony Hawk in the same room was taken away by Online Gaming and were replaced by gaming between two strangers named xXtHeDeStRoYeRXx and BigDMike. Splitscreen died too young. We lost a good system. We lost a means as to hang out with friends. I will now turn the floor over to members of Splitscreen's family and his good friends. Who would wish to speak first?"

/Man stands up and walks to the podium.

Man: "I was Splitscreen's best friend. My name is LAN and Splitscreen was always an inspiration for me. I watched my brother, Hotseat, get discarded from video games and just give up. But Splitscreen man, Splitscreen kept insisting that he be put into video games. He kept pushing the damn video designers to include him in the game. Sometimes they listed to him but mostly they didn't. God rest his soul he was a stubborn creature. As I slowly got fazed out of gaming, I watched him and he kept pushing me to not give up. 'They still like you' he said. 'There are still people who want you'. Only the Lord hisself knows if he told the truth. But this man always hlped me. Splitscreen kept me going. I know I'm not long in this world. I just wish to go peacefully like Splitscreen. That is all I got to say."

/LAN walks out of the room

/A deformed man with no legs wheels himself up

Deformed man: "My name is MultiTap and nobody ever wanted nuthin to do with me. As ya'll can see I'm not much use to anyone. Splitscreen always fought for me to be included on the PS2 games. People would yell at him, "The MultiTap sucks!". "It is difficult and makes Splitscreen hard to play." But Splitscreen never listened. Maybe that's why he got fazed out. When the PS3 dropped me for damned Wireless, he threw such a fuss them twisters in Kansas would simply turn green with jealous rage. I told Splitscreen, I said, "go on without me man, you do better on your own", and with a tear he just hugged me and told me that I'd always be a part of him. I reckon that's when he realized he was being pushed out too. With the newfangled "Online Capabilities" of the new contraptions, he knew that he would be nuthin' but a sack of potatoes 'fore long. It's a damned shame to see a man like that go. He was the best of us."

/Deformed man wheels out of the sanctuary

/To the now empty room, the Reverend walks over to the casket

Reverend (crying): "You didn't deserve this..."

/tear falls onto the casket

/Reverend walks out the door and back into the world.

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