Let's Guess The Identity Of The RNC Mystery Speaker.

a picture of an elephant.

The Republican National Convention has spent the last several days teasing the reveal of a mystery speaker who will address the conventioneers tonight. Media speculation has largely circled around prominent Republican Clint Eastwood, but his participation is far from certain. Here are some of Progressive Boink's guesses as to just who it might actually be:

  • Chris Christie's belly, painted to look like a face, with his nipples as the Marty Feldmanesque eyes and belly button as the mouth.
  • Dennis Miller, who is lynched by an angry, confused audience furious that they don't understand his references to the Algonquin Roundtable and the War of the Roses.
  • J.C. Watts, Artur Davis, Allen West, and Karl Malone rounded up and made to perform a group rap called "RHAT: Republican, Hot, And Tempting." Malone is wearing a dashiki.
  • CGI miscarried Duggar baby extolling the sanctity of life.
  • The can of tuna fish that Mitt and Ann Romney ate out of during their trying years as a young, struggling couple (who happened to be college students living off Mitt's investments).
  • Newt Gingrich, in character as the protagonist of 1945, his alternate history novel exploring the possibility of Nazi superweapons. Speech heavily peppered with heavyhanded but veiled allusions to the Obama administration when discussing the Nazis.
  • Ron Paul, announcing his surprise victory in securing the Republican party's nomination after a recount of delegates, and then the Internet libertarians wake up and it was all a dream -- or was it??
  • Ooga-Booga, the witchdoctor who delivered the infant Barack Obama in the wilds of Kenya (comedy act performed by Jon Voight in blackface with a bone through his nose).
  • An animated version of that painting of both Bushes, Nixon, Teddy Roosevelt, Ford, Reagan, and Eisenhower all playing poker and laughing like a CHiPS ending credits freezeframe.
  • Just a big ol' garbagebag.
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