Like A Massa, By Kevin Williamson.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 27: US Republican Party nominee hopeful Mitt Romney during the Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games at the Olympic Stadium on July 27, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)

Kevin Williamson, deputy managing editor of conservative magazine The National Review, has garnered a great deal of attention for his cover story for the latest National Review issue. In his article, titled "Like A Boss," Williamson argues that women should be flocking to presidential candidate Mitt Romney because of his wealth and consequent alpha male status. Williamson writes that Romney should embrace his "inner rich guy" to better connect with the aspirational American people.

Williamson has written a followup piece for Progressive Boink arguing that Romney should extend a similar strategy into other arenas. Here is that piece.

Mitt is phat. Zuh-zuh-zuh-what?? Yeah, you heard that right. Mitt Romney, presidential candidate, is the baddest dude on the block. He's buttah, baby. Don't believe me? Check out this lyric by hip-hop rapper Jay-Z:

I want money like Cosby -- who wouldn't?
It's this kind of talk that make me think
You probably ain't got no pudding.

Know who has money like [Bill] Cosby? The Mittster -- and how! And if you don't like it, well, you sound an awful lot like one of Jayz's no-pudding hardscrabblers. So you'd think every Afro-American from Birmingham to Brooklyn would be all over their homeboy Mitt. But they -- if you'll excuse the street parlance -- ain't, know what I'm saaaayin'? Why is that?

I'll tell you why. 'Cause The Man's got 'em brainwashed -- or should I say, brizzlewizzled, if ya catch my drift. Check it: the average net worth of a negro household in 2009? $5,677. The net worth of Chez Romney? $200 million. That means Mitt Romney is worth 35,230 black people. Each Afro-American in the U.S. of Air Force Ones (know what I'm saaaaaayin'?) should be behind Mitt Romney 35,230%, and yet they keep throwing their weight behind Barack Obama, who is only half-black. If you play the race card at the voting booth, are you gonna get down with the homie who is the equivalent of a small city's worth of your people, or one who's just a half-breed? I know what my answer would be, were I blessed with a touch more melanin.

Or, look at it another way, let's take a dive into some history. That's right, we're goin' old school -- all the way back to the school of really hard knocks: slavery. If we were rappin' about this jive 200 years ago and we were maxin' and relaxin' way down south, who do you think would be the big boss man? The elitist, overeducated mulatto, or the dude of the, er, Caucasian persuasion with the killer 'do and the piles and piles of fat, er, phat stacks? Need I say more?

In short, it's time for Mitt to get in touch with something, and I ain't talkin' his inner child. I'm talkin' his inner slaveowner. You know what most hip-hoppers take away from their favorite film, Scarface? You want respect, you gotta take it. Mitt's made some real inroads with the black community, jammin' with 'em on their level with jivetalk like, "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?" But it's time for him to stop just bein' fresh and funky and start keepin' it real.

I'm talkin' about showing Afro-Americans of every stripe that he means business. Evolutionary science shows that appealing to slavery-based tactics could really pay off. Sayin' "Bling bling!" to a group of black folks? Well sure, Mitt's gonna jazz 'em up and get 'em on his side, but the effect only lasts until Barack Hussein Obama comes to town and grins. But if Mitt lets out his inner slavedriver and barks some orders to the blacks of America...Who let the dogs out? Try "get to steppin'," brotherman.

Mitt got off to a good start when he rapped at the NAACP last month about repealing health care reform. But he needs to do more. If he can turn this "thang" into a battle of George Washington (noted slaveowner) versus Uncle Tom, need I even tell you who the brothers and sisters of this funky, funky country are likely to vote for? You get the picture.

On that note: I'm gonna lay some more history on ya, home skillets. Think of some of our finest presidents. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Tyler. Notice anything? They all owned slaves. Now think of some of our worst presidents. Harding, Pierce, Fillmore, Nixon (at least if you go by reputation, but that's a tale for another day). Not a slaveholder in the lot.

Just sayin'. So yeah, Mitt? We know you've got "boats in different area codes," if you don't mind the winking reference to a hip-hop anthem. But let's see ya, at least on this one point, act a little less Reagan and a little more Jefferson. Know what I'm saaaaayin'? Word up.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Progressive Boink

You must be a member of Progressive Boink to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Progressive Boink. You should read them.

Join Progressive Boink

You must be a member of Progressive Boink to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Progressive Boink. You should read them.

Spinner

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.