FanPost

Veggie Tray Realtalk

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via scientopia.org, because sourcing pictures of veggie trays is important to the credibility of this fine website.


It's time once again for sports season to resume, and that means the sudden influx of these motherfuckers. This thread is about veggie trays and veggie trays only. Take your cold shrimp tray discussion elsewhere. Leave your sandwich platter thoughts elsewhere. Veggie trays only, because veggie trays alone deserve our collective scorn and anger.

Veggie trays. Where to even begin. Oh, you brought a big ass tray of veggies to my house that no one is going to eat because we have a grill and chips and soda and other things people actually enjoy? Thanks a bunch! And the damned thing is so enormous that it takes up a whole shelf of my fridge? Awesome, I can't wait until tomorrow when I lose a whole shelf to a bunch of bullshit vegetables because nobody touched them and my wife can't bring herself to just chuck the sonofabitch straight into the garbage.

Bullshit vegetables that, I might add, you overpaid for. See, that tray cost you like seven bucks, which in vegetable money equals approximately one fuckton pounds of broccoli, carrots and celery. But because you needed a bigass plastic saucer to place them on, you get eight carrot slices, twelve tiny pieces of broccoli and four thousand pieces of celery that nobody is going to touch.

And that broccoli is the wrong damn color. See, broccoli is supposed to be green. Not brown. Not tan. Not gray. Already behind the eight ball in the whole "things people actually enjoy eating" game, you've somehow found a way to get broccoli that people are less inclined to eat. Add to this the fact that your veggie tray is going to come with a fourth random veggie that nobody can identify that was probably just some overstock shit laying around that you got stuck with because of the plastic force field that protected you from the veggies before they got to my house.

Oh, your veggie tray comes with ranch! How awesome, because nobody actually goes out and buys their own ranch any more. What a lifesaver. Without that tiny packet of ranch in the center, nobody would even considering eating those vegetables. And it comes in the tray upside down for some reason so that you either have to lose the plastic tray you just paid so much for or you have to maneuver the little bastard out while spilling veggies everywhere? How convenient!

And what ranch it is, too. Lighthouse. Great. Lighthouses are on the coast, and the people who know what ranch should taste like live in the center of the country. But don't let that tiny fact get you down. Let the godawful taste of Lighthouse Ranch get you down. I had no idea that the bottle of edible ranch in my fridge was missing a horrid aftertaste akin to several symptoms of a stroke to be complete! Lighthouse Ranch's success is based solely upon those tiny cups in the center of veggie trays, a place they seem to have some sort of monopolistic stranglehold on. And help everyone involved if your tray doesn't have Lighthouse, because Lighthouse is somehow the best possible option. What the fuck, Hidden Valley? You can't find a way to get in on this racket? Here's a suggestion: Just put your little container of ranch in the center of the trays rightside up and you'll corner the market in literally minutes.

Thanks so much for the veggie tray, it'll go great with the copious amounts of booze we'll be puking up later after our team loses.

Next time, just bring some damned salsa.

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