Heart Healthy Tips

Do you know how important it is to have a healthy heart? It is very important as the heart is one of the most important and weakest points in the human anatomy. If humans were video game bosses, the heart would be one of the two places that would start flashing with a floating "Hit Here Box" after the hero scored 3 strikes on the rest of your Mechabody. Did you know that your human Mechabody was designed solely to hold your vital heart and brain, so take care of them, and here is how! (Sorry, Brain Health Tips will come later, but you are already on your way to brain health by reading! Reading is the first step to Brain Health.)


- Sleep 8 hours per Night

Or more accurately, 8 hours in every 24 hour period that you exist in a non-emergency state. With less than 8 hours of sleep a human develops holes in their stasis field/psychic bubble which can be exploited by Destructicons and other small, evil entities like pixies or viruses. Destructicons are like nano bots that are the enemies of the heart’s interstate system of blood vessels and have waged an ancient war against human hearts for control of-- summary: they are bad.

Dreams power the stasis field of a human body and since it is dangerous (although alluring) to dream when awake, it is important to sleep because sleeping dreams are not only more powerful but they will prevent unsightly dings and scratches to your Mechabody. Sleep is like the alternator of your dream engine. And your dream engine powers your stasis field. Which protects your heart. So sleep well and sleep long human friends.


- Drink Water

Water is one of the most heart healthy items in the action/adventure RPG that you humans call "Life". Many of your item slots should be dedicated to holding this valuable, magical liquid. Water has been called "The Universal Solvent" by many of the town elders of the village Earth, which means that water can dissolve anything given enough time. But Don’t Fret Friends, water will do your heart health wonders and it will not dissolve your heart because weak humans are not designed to last on a geologic scale. And water is best as a solvent on a geologic scale. It truly is a miraculous and versatile miracle item.

While water will not dissolve your heart into oblivion, it will kill you if you ingest too much, like any other thing in the known universe. There is such a thing as "too much of a good thing" and it applies to all good things, because all good things can kill you. Hyponatremia is when your brain gets waterlogged like an old log left in water and gets all mushy and diluted and then dies (More on brain death next time).

So too much water and too little water are bad, so "What is right for me to not die and stay heart healthy?" You should drink between 50 and 120 ounces of water per calendar day, depending on Earth weight and Mechabody energy output. More hip thrusts = more water. Adjust accordingly to suit your Mechabody style and type and preferences. Also, water helps flush out your sewage system, which is one of the main design flaws of the Human Mechabody v3.6. This flaw allows toxins and waste to build up inside the Mechabody if it is not properly flushed out. Water is good for everything in your body. And good for your body means good for your heart.


- Chia Seeds

Chia seeds are one of the many heart healthy seeds and nuts that will improve your health. They are packed with protein, and healthy fats, and good strong heart healthy fiber. They absorb up to 15 times their size in liquid when placed in liquid (Water is known as Nature’s Liquid {Water is also Heart Healthy <see above>}) and this is good because they help hold liquid in your body. However, if you do not soak them in liquid or consume them without the proper amount of liquid as a side drink, they will begin to consume the liquid in your body, which can be bad. It is unpleasant to be eaten from the inside, and the possibly sentient chia seeds will search out and devour every drop of liquid in your body if you do not properly care for them. Much like the famous Chia Pets, if you do not provide them with proper water they can become unholy abominations bent on destruction. And water is good for you anyways, so they force you to drink water, which is a good side benefit. Yes, these are the same chia seeds as the 1980’s pets, one of nature’s finest superfoods/pets when consumed/cared for properly.

Chia seeds can be put on salads, or ground up and put in bread dough, or just be thrown into your favorite heart healthy liquid. They will expand into an interesting gelatinous goo when placed in liquid as well, which is neat, and oddly satisfying to swallow. Protein and Fiber and good fats and water are good for your Mechabody. And your Mechabody holds your heart. Heart Health!


- Climb Things

Exercise is one of those most important exercises you can do. Many of you humans get dismayed by the heavy output of energy required and the hardness of completing exercises. But they are very heart healthy, Very Heart Healthy. They can also be fun. Climbing is one of the most fun things you humans can do. The scientific evidence is undeniable. "What evidence?" you say, "Fun is subjective" you say, and you would be wrong because of science. Here is the proof. What group of humans has the most fun? Children is the answer, of course. What do children enjoy doing more than almost anything? Climbing stuff. Therefore, climbing stuff is objectively fun, and once again adults have ignored the scientific contributions of their most observant and philosophically curious subgroup.

Climbing can be dangerous if you climb too far or too high or too fast, much like Icarus who climbed so close to the sun that the rocks got slippery from melting and he fell to his probable death. So climb slow and sure at first and ONLY then expand your horizons to climb to the stars. You can start by piling your couch cushions in the middle of the carpet or by climbing over the back of your lazing couch. But your opportunities are only limited by your imagination (More on the power of imagination and the powerful brain next time).


- Neti Pot Your Faceholes

The Neti Pot was gifted to the Indian subcontinent by a magic hermit or industrious beast when India was actually its own continent before the Himalaya Mountain Range was born in Central Asia. This hermit animal foresaw a prophecy, an invasion by a land called England sometime thousands of years or decades into the future. His beloved India would be overrun by these foul Englishmen and their devoted, lamprey-like minions, The Bogeys (Translation from British: Dirt-Infused Mucus Demons who lodge themselves in sinus cavities). The hermit knew he could change the course of history and save his people if he bequeathed the gift of Neti to them. And that is how India defeated the Bogeys and drove the foul Englishmen from their homeland and achieved independence.

Sometimes brain eating amoebas can use the neti pot as a trojan horse. They climb in through the dirty tap water or swamp water you use and then ride the lightning into your sinuses before traveling into your brain to the Smörgåsbord laid before them. This is extremely rare and it is actually more common to acquire these misunderstood scamps by swimming in swamps or swampy ponds in hot and humid places like the Deep South. Use distilled water in your neti pot if you want to effectively reduce these small odds to near zero.

The Neti Pot is used to clear out the sinus cavity of unwanted debris. This debris can be harmful to your health and you may feel much better if you use a neti pot or similar nasal cavity cleansing service. For you see, the sinus bone is connected to the heart bone, and if the sinus bone is healthy, the heart bone is healthy.


- Eat More Vegetables

How many vegetables do you eat? That is not enough, eat more. "You don’t know what number I said", you say, and I say that I don’t need to know the number because you need to eat more vegetables. Did you know: Humans and regular animals can eat some vegetables raw for a snack, like carrots and celery and if you do not like them you can dip them in heart healthy dips like hummus, and, umm, honey I guess, or barbecue sauce, and dijon mustard, and ranch dressing, and poutine, and gravy, and Jolt! Cola or whatever other healthy sauces you humans dip vegetables into to make your tastebuds accept them as allies and not childhood oppressors.

You can also make things like Kale Chips. Kale is a leafy green vegetable that is very heart healthy. You just rip up some kale leaves and throw some heart healthy olive oil on it and maybe some sea salt--OH MY GOD, an amazing idea just came to me. Throw some Sriracha in there in place of or in addition to the very small amount of sea salt. Then you throw it on a cookie sheet and in the oven for 7-10 minutes at 350ish F. Heart Healthy veggie chips that taste surprisingly good.

Vegetables are one of the many overlooked keys to superior heart health and it is one of the few areas where our child scientists have failed us. Your body will thank you in many ways if you reward it with nutritious vegetables. Reward your body, and it will reward your heart. Go Heart!


Would you like to know more?

You can ask me questions or follow me around here or in other places for more info because I attempt to lead by example. Except for the distilled water in neti pots for I have nothing to fear from brain eating amoebas. Or wait, I’m just... I’m not scared of them is all.

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