As you all know, today is a once in a lifetime event. The brightest star in the sky, "Venus", is going to jump right in front of that big ol' solar bully, "The Sun" and give us earthlings an amazing view of what it means to be a real heavenly body.
What you may not know is how to properly view such an event. Looking directly at the sun is much too dangerous for your eyes. You can cause permanent blindness, that's kind of a bummer. (Especially when you are just trying to see something in the first place! Great idea there "The Sun!" What a stupid bully.)
So here are my directions as to how to properly look at this event.
Head down to your local telescope store and buy a telescope with a solar filter.
This is the most important part because if you don't have a telescope, how are you going to look at anything so dang far away? It's just common sense to use the power of magnifying glasses to make things that can't be seen real well a little bit more visible.
Build your telescope with solar filter in a location where it can see the sky.
Don't be a goofball and put your telescope indoors! What are you going to look at with it, your mom cooking a casserole in the oven? That's just silly talk. Please do us all a favor and build it outside. When you are outside, you can see the sky. It's right there!
Be sure to take your time when building the telescope, as it's a delicate process that you can't hurry because then you will mess it up.
The last telescope I built took me about 4 and a half hours of good solid work. Did you know that glass is heavy, and instructions are hard? Good thing I've got this handy step by step guide to looking at the eclipse here on the internet for you. I'm so thoughtful.
What's that? There's only 2 hours before it starts? How can anyone make a good decision on which telescope to purchase and then drive all the way home and build it outside in less than 2 hours?
So now you put your eye in the telescope hole and you
wait what? there are only two hours left?
Yes there are only two hours left before you can see this event, this once in a lifetime event that you were supposed to take a lot of time getting ready for and you just sat there watching television instead of getting a move on
OK YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD OK
Everyone calm down i can totally fix this.
Just look at "The Sun" with your hand above your eyes.
Well then how are you supposed to see "The Sun" if you can't see past your hand? What kind of a direction list am I?
ok ok ok ok ok
this is bad. I can't miss this because that would be horrible for me because all the guys at the stars club will find out that i didn't see it because i won't be able to tell them what it looks like when they ask and i'll say "oh yeah, it was an eclipse all right, just looking like it got all 'clipsed out of it's mind and stuff"
No one would believe you. I don't even believe you. Have you even put together a telescope before?
Yes I have it's right here
That's not you, that's a clip art of a telescope
SHUT UP I BUILT IT.
There's nothing you can do now. You're going to miss it and Keith and Trevor and Bartleby are all going to laugh at you. It's happening now. You missed it and you will forever be a pariah for missing the most important thing to happen in the history of the world.
*screams and runs outside and stares at the sun with his hand in front of his eyes*
(all images used via upload.wikimedia.org. Thanks Creative Commons!)