AFL: Top 10 Least Threatening-Looking Professional Wrestlers Named 'Ricky'.

While I'd like to hack out a nice living writing about which of Michelle Tanner's friends I hated most, my full-time gig is being editor-in-chief at With Leather and writing its popular Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column each week. I've been writing about pro wrestling for most of my life and made a name for myself on wrestling sites and "op boards" in the late 90s (because both "LOL" and "I'm old"), so no matter what I write about, wrestling gets in there. I can write about 'Saved By The Bell' all day, but at some point it turns into "this is just like Crazy Max".

Anyway, this week's Arbitrary Friday List is the first about wrestling, and attempts to rank the ten least threatening wrestlers named "Ricky" in the sport's (entertainment) history. A few qualifiers:

1. You can only be considered if you are regularly called "Ricky". Unconventional spellings (Rikki, Ricki, Rikidozan) are in play, but anybody going by Richard, Dick or Rick are not. Sorry, Nature Boy.

2. No era or promotion guidelines were set, and if you wrestle as Ricky you are eligible no matter where you wrestled or when. Most guys named "Ricky" are from the American 1970s and 80s, though. I considered Japan's Ricky Fuji, but he's got gnarly head scars and could murder me, so he doesn't show up.

3. While there is no objective scale for "threatening-looking", I ranked the Rickies based on how personally threatened I would feel if they confronted me. If you're scared of mullets or whatever, obviously your list will be different from mine.

All photos included here are courtesy of Online World Of Wrestling, and I apologize in advance for showing them to you.

10. Ricky Ortiz

Ricky-ricky-ortiz_medium

Where He Wrestled: WWE, Urban Wrestling Federation

Ricky Ortiz is a 6-foot-3, 240-pound former linebacker, which is a description that should never be immediately followed by "who looks like Justin Guarini, has an arm full of flower tattoos and was most famous during his wrestling career for waving a towel around on a show nobody watched". Sorta like how the "former linebacker" info shouldn't have to be supplemented with "in the XFL". But hey, remember -- this list isn't a judgment on how tough you are, it's about how tough you LOOK, and unless I'm fucking EJay Day I'm not gonna be afraid of this guy and his spinning wankerchief.

He also loses points for one of his early characters being named "Atlas DaBone", which is the most Fifty Shades Of Grey shit of all time.

9. Ricky Santana

Ricky-ricky-santana_medium

Where He Wrestled: NWA, WCW, WWE, World Wrestling Counsel

Ricky Santana's another example of a guy who could probably shoot murder me in real life, but who also looks sorta like a special needs child with a thinning 70s-bush mullet and flag pants. Seriously, he looks like Warwick Davis. If we ever film a pro wrestling version of Willow (and don't worry, it's on my bucket list) Ricky Santana' s playing the lead.

Modern Ricky looks more like the villain in an Image comic, so consider this number 9 placement for Ricky Classic.

8. Ricky Gibson

Ricky-ricky-gibson_medium

Where He Wrestled: NWA, AWA

I know what you're thinking. SUPER THREATENING LOOKING, right?

I go back and forth on whether I think Ricky Gibson looks like an innocent child begging to be babysat or a Matthew McConaughey in Dazed And Confused-ass hillbilly murderer. The print on the shirt, the giant yellow hotmail address across his neck and the matted Stillwater hair all kinda conspire together to make him look not necessarily like the guy you'd avoid, but the guy who'd make you sigh a lot because he doesn't know any better and needs your help eating his strained peas.

There's something really false about him. Like if you tried to touch his face he'd crumble to dust like a fucking pharaoh.

7. Ricky Renaldo

Ricky-ricky-renaldo_medium

Where He Wrestled: Western territorial promotions

In the interest of full disclosure, I don't know which of these guys is Ricky Renaldo. I'm not even sure if this picture is from the 1970s, it could be a couple of ironic hipsters on Instagram. The guy on the left looks like at least six people I see at Whole Foods every morning.

Anyway, here's a fun fact about Ricky Renaldo from OWOW:

Rick Renaldo & Ray Stevens once stopped a bank robber and flattened him as he was leaving a bank, in a moment of real life..

I know there was a really great old wrestler named Ray Stevens, but I'm choosing to believe they mean country-and-western song jokester Ray Stevens, and that Stevens turned this story into 'The Streak'.

6. Ricky Landell

Ricky-ricky-landell_medium

Where He Wrestled: ROH, Pro Wrestling WORLD-1, AWA Superstars of Wrestling

Hey look, it's the new main character from that weird 'Saved By The Bell' fan-fic where Zack and Slater hooked up and had a baby.

Stop looking at me like that.

5. Ricky Garvin

Ricky-ricky-garvin_medium

Where He Wrestled: Who knows

Need a hitman? Call Ricky Garvin, a man deadly enough to throw on some tube socks, prop one foot up on a stool and horrify you to death with his pube chest and shadowcrotch.

There isn't a single part of this guy I can handle. If he pulled out a gun and held it to my forehead I'd still be all, "so uh, you think you should probably zip up that jacket or what". Or, "did you do that with your hair and beard on purpose". Or maybe even "why does your puffy star jacket have a tuxedo collar" He could shoot me dead, and as I was falling to the ground my last breath would be DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SHAVE YOUR LEGS

4. Ricky Morton

Ricky-ricky-morton_medium

Where He Wrestled: Everywhere, and he was awesome everywhere.

Ricky Morton (the blonde guy on the left, not to be confused with Robert Gibson, the guy on the right) (or Ricky Gibson, the child molester looking guy from a few spots up) is legitimately one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, my favorite person in the world for at least three years of the 1980s and maybe the greatest half of a tag team ever. He redefined the "face in peril" thing people still do in tag matches by getting an unbelievable shitkicking from the Midnight Express or the Russians or the Minnesota Wrecking Crew, or whoever was bigger than him and angry about his rural early-80s beauty. I watched him wrestle when I was 6 and he was great. I watched him wrestle when I was 26, and he was STILL great.

But yeah, he looked like Olivia Newton-John in fucking Xanadu.

3. Ricki Starr

Ricky-ricki-starr_medium

Where He Wrestled: NWA

Ricki Starr simultaneously represents the best and worst aspects of pro wrestling. He was a legit ballet dancer (good) who portrayed an exaggerated gay stereotype (bad) and got popular as a good guy with it (good). Also, he has one of the closest-to-the-actual-thing porn star and/or Poison guitarist names in wrestling history and looks like imagine Don Draper's soul might look if it escaped his body and tried to ascend to Heaven.

He actually got less threatening as he aged, and started looking more and more like Wrestling Gallagher.

2. Ricki Lawless

Ricky-ricki-lawless_medium

Where He Wrestled: Indiana Jones font

I had to look at this picture for like 20 minutes to confirm that it wasn't porn.

Two interesting, non-threatening things about Ricki Lawless:

1. His tag team with Joey Knight (better known to fans of WCW Saturday Night as "Jumpin'" Joey Maggs) was called "The Heavy Metal Connection". Not sure if the "connection" part was in reference to Ricki's crotch being right up in Joey's ass, but whatever.

2. Because the wrestling business is weird and awful, Ricki Lawless was murdered because he was sleeping with a married lady and her husband found out. He was put in jail because he wasn't Lawless

1. Ricky McCord

Ricky-ricky-mccord_medium

Where He Wrestled: holy mary mother of god

I don't know exactly who this Oompa Loompic gentlemen is, but Online World Of Wrestling assures me that he was a real guy and not a really badly done high school girl manga drawing. Apparently he's a two-time NWA Central States Tag Team champion, defeating "The MOD Squad" the first time and teaming with the hilariously named "Porkchop Cash" the second. "Honey, I'm going to the grocery store! Give me some of that PORKCHOP CASH".

The longer you stare at Ricky McCord, the whiter the whites and blacker the blacks become until you're staring into the face of God. Or you wake up naked in a field, one or the other. He looks like one of the gay pieces of furniture that would dress you in a Disney princess movie is what I'm trying to say.

I hope you've enjoyed the Top 10 Least Threatening-Looking Professional Wrestlers Named Ricky. If you think I should've ranked them differently, or would like to nominate a Ricky for future consideration, drop us a note in the comments. And hey, make sure you're here for next week's list, where I write at length about The Holy Bible.

Ricky McCord might make an appearance in that one too, who the hell knows.

For more rankings of things you half-remember, check out our Arbitrary Friday List section.

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