AFL: 13 Dumbest Haircuts Ernest Got From His Deaf Barber On 'Hey Vern, It's Ernest!'

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In the late 1980s, pitchman Jim Varney parlayed a series of local commercials into mainstream film and television success as "Ernest P. Worrell", an innocent, rubber-faced everyman for middle-American audiences too down-home for Pee-wee Herman's East Coast liberal elitism. He had a series of hit movies wherein he went to or did things (Ernest Goes To Camp, Ernest Goes To Jail and Ernest Saves Christmas among them) and a series of less popular direct-to-video sequels (including Ernest Goes To Africa, Slam Dunk Ernest and Jesus Christ, It's Still Ernest), but many remember him most from his Emmy winning, 13-episode 'Hey Vern, It's Ernest!' Saturday morning variety show.

The show featured a lot of memorable characters -- Ernest, Ernest's tongue, a man in an interspecies homosexual domestic with an iguana named George -- but one of my favorites was Ernest's barber Earl. Every time Ernest goes in for a haircut, he tells Earl to make him look like a "Wall Street tycoon". Earl is either deaf or a fucking troglodyte, because every time he screws it up and cuts Ernest's hair to look like something that sounds like Wall Street tycoon.

Instead of turning around and yelling "THE FUCK YOU DO TO MY HAIR EARL", Ernest takes it in stride and suggests that "it could work". Note: This is the only time Ernest is ever seen without a hat.

This week on The Arbitrary Friday List, we discuss the 13 dumbest haircuts Ernest got from this asshole.

13. Complete Buffoon

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Episode: 111 "Hey Vern, It's School"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

I like that Ernest thought nothing of his barber putting a red clown nose on his face and had to wait until he saw himself in the mirror to freak out. If I went into the barbership and they gave me a perm and dyed my hair lavender I'd probably freak the hell out, but 1) I've seen worse haircuts than this in downtown Austin, and 2) compared to the bottom of this list when he just starts stacking shit on Ernest's head, a purple clown wig is pretty tame.

12. Deadbeat Raccoon

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Episode: 107 "Hey Vern, It's Pets"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

The title could also be "Hey Vern, It's Pelts". It's pretty gnarly that Earl skinned and gutted an animal and draped it over Ernest's face, but at least "deadbeat" kinda sounds like "Wall Street" and "raccoon" rhymes with "tycoon". I love that a deadbeat raccoon is a thing. The next time I catch them digging through my garbage I'm gonna berate them for their shitty parenting.

11. Oriental Typhoon

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Episode: 106 "Hey Vern, It's Sports"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

Or, "make me look like Nicki Minaj". "Typhoon" is the closest Earl ever comes to understanding "tycoon", but how the hell do you mistake "Wall Street" for "Oriental"? Oriental? Seriously, Earl? Get that look off your face, you already look like the young version of Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast At Tiffany's. I shouldn't be too hard on him, though, it was clearly an Occident.

10. Windswept Sand Dune

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Episode: 105 "Hey Vern, It's Magic"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

I put this one lower than I should because I can barely tell what it is. "Oh silly me, I thought you said IRON SHIEK'S SHOES!"

I guess here would be a great time to wonder why Earl never asked for clarification on these haircuts. How many people have to come in asking for a "windswept sand dune" haircut before you're able to cut it without going, "wait, what". Ernest probably shouldn't let a guy this psychotic hold scissors to his head, but this is the guy who can't go five minutes without getting his fingers slammed in a window.

9. Whale Meat Harpoon

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Episode: 113 "Hey Vern, It's Talent"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

This is from the last episode of the series, which I like to call "Hey Vern, That's Enough".

It's very telling that Ernest having a giant arrow through his head with a fish on the end is the 9th worst haircut he got out of 13. If you look in the bottom right you can see a mannequin head, as Earl had a WWF Attitude Era-eseque Al Snow gimmick going on for a while where he'd talk to it and ask it advice about rearranging his barber bottles.

I want to keep calling the guy a nutbag, but he's actually pretty good ... who the hell else could take a man's short haircut and turn it into a blue fish?

8. Concrete Cocoon

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Episode: 108 "Hey Vern, It's Hobbies"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

the fuck is a concrete cocoon, stop going to this barber

7. Small Sweet Macaroon

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Episode: 109 "Hey Vern, It's Food"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

"Make me look like an astronaut -- no! Make me look like Raiden from Mortal Kombat."

Seriously though, that haircut looks like a lot of things before it looks like a "small, sweet macaroon". It looks like a pyramid. It looks like a pile of money. It does sorta look like a macaroon and I can't attest to the sweetness of it, but it's absolutely not "small", so this is my leading evidence that Earl hated Ernest's guts and was just fucking with him. "Earl, give me a haircut!" "Okay Ernest, sit still while I dump a bunch of shit on your head."

6. A Wedding In June

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Episode: 110 "Hey Vern, It's Holidays"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

He put a wedding cake on Ernest's head. Ernest went to the barber, got his head jammed up the ass of a wedding cake and went back at least three more times.

Who do I have to contact to get a 'Cake Wars' episode where the challenge is to bake an entire wedding cake around a guy's head unsuspectingly and get it to stand up like that? Earl was a Sweet Genius.

5. Man In The Moon

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Episode: 101 "Hey Vern, It's Outer Space"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

The spiked friar haircut Ernest ends up with is funny enough, but the googly eyes and mad grin make it. This one's mostly hair, too, so we can't just say Earl found some objects on the floor and tried to glue them to Ernest's head -- Ernest had a head of hair that could work as a base for this. The episodes have no real continuity, though, so even though this is from 101 it could've been taken after he got a fucking macaroon haircut and they worked it down from there.

4. Clock Set On Noon

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Episode: 102 "Hey Vern, It's Clothing"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

Yeah yeah he put a clock on his head, but the real issue is these episode titles. Episode one is called "Hey Vern, It's Outer Space". Episode two is "Hey Vern, It's Clothing". CLOTHING. Has there ever been a bigger downgrade in topic interest than going from outer space to clothing? Does Vern really need an introduction to clothing? Do we never see Vern because he's buck-ass naked?

3. Large Feet In A Cartoon

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Episode: 112 "Hey Vern, It's Lost And Found"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

Ernest: "I need a haircut, Earl. Can you make me look like a Wall Street Tycoon?"

Earl: "That's a clown question, bro."

I like to pretend that the episode title from Earl's point of view is "Hey Vern, I Found These Clown Shoes In The Los And Found And Welded Them To This Asshole's Head".

2. Hot Air Balloon

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Episode: 104 "Hey Vern, It's Movies"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

"Hot Air Ballon" is a stretch, but this one ranks at #2 because of how little hair is involved, and how much it looks like Ernest has a The Leader head and Earl jammed a bunch of fucking Hellraiser rods and spikes into it. Holy shit, look at it. It looks like he's in a Saw trap. Like if he makes the choice to die instead of live that chinstrap shoots up and his skull pops through the back of his enormous Charlie Brown head.

Pretty sure no other Ernest haircut will give me this many nightmares.

1. Baby Baboon

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Episode: 103 "Hey Vern, It's Scary Things"

What Ernest Asked For: A Wall Street Tycoon

AHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In the most Temple Of Doom thing ever depicted on Saturday morning television (besides the Muppet Babies using Temple Of Doom clips, probably), Earl the Barber beheaded a monkey, put a hat on it and screwed it onto one of his client's heads. For once, the look on Ernest's face is appropriate. That is of the devil.

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So yeah, those are the 13 dumbest haircuts ever given to Ernest by his deaf, Satan-worshipping POS barber on 'Hey Vern, It's Ernest!' Be sure to leave us a comment below and let us know where you'd rank these cuts, assuming you didn't go mad and slit your wrists when you saw an albino monkey face growing out of somebody's head out of nowhere.

Join us next week for a (hopefully) less horror-inducing list.

For more rankings of things you half-remember, check out our Arbitrary Friday List section.

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