DENVER, CO - JULY 03: Representing the US Presidents sculpted on Mount Rushmore, George Washington (R) throws out the ceremonial first pitch as (L-R) Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln look on as the Kansas City Royals prepare to face the Colorado Rockies during Interleague play at Coors Field on July 3, 2011 in Denver, Colorado. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
If you’re like me (and I know you’re not, because you’re not a Moderate Internet Celebrity, but whatever, just for the sake of this set up let's go with it), you’ve seen a lot of movies already this summer. And if you’ve been to the movies, you’ve no doubt heard the confused snickering at the end of the trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Now, in fairness, I obviously haven’t seen the movie yet.
But if the trailer is any indication, the film seems to suffer from nobody bothering to say, “uh, guys? Guys. This is real stupid, guys.” This is more commonly known as, “Cowboys & Aliens Syndrome.”
The Real Stupid Movie is based on a Real Stupid Book by the same name. I’ve read (and enjoyed) the book, as was required of me as a Funky Tastemaker. Now that the film is coming out, the publishing industry will be on the lookout for the next, best way to bastardize the rich tapestry of racism and misguided entitlement that is American history.
Because I pride myself on being part of the zeitgeist, I’ve gone ahead and thrown together a list of potential titles. Feel free to use them. You don’t even have to credit me. I just sprinkle the pixie dust, and let the magic happen where it will:
James Madison and the Phantom of the Carnival- He handled the War of 1812, but how will he handle a g-g-g-g-ghost?!
Ronald Reagan: Time Warrior- The Gipper races through the ages in a desperate attempt to return to his own age. Will he find his way back before morning in America?
Warren G. Harding on The Planet of the Apes- To clear his name after the Teapot Dome scandal, our 29th president sets out to protect America from a damned, dirty, ape-filled future. Gamaliel on!
Grover Cleveland and the Hunt for the Jersey Devil- Cleveland and his Bourbon Democrats head into the Pine Barrens with nothing but a potato sack, a pitchfork and a fighting spirit!
William McKinley: Tribute in The Hunger Games-Dude got shot. I’m guessing the odds were not ever in his favor.
Andrew Jackson Fights Hillbilly Cannibals- First Old Hickory vanquished the Indians, now he’s taking on mountain folk who want to gnaw on his sinewy flesh! WHO SHALL PREVAIL?!
William Howard Taft vs. A Centaur- ‘Cause he was fat.
Martin Van Buren and the Amazons: An Erotic Adventure- One tit+ two muttonchops= 50 Shades of Sexy!
FDR Vs. The Skeleton Army-This one is kind of misleading. FDR mostly just chills in his wheelchair while Eleanor takes out the boneys with a shillelagh.
Chester A. Arthur in The Lost City of Atlantis- There's not even a joke here, that title just made me laugh really, really hard.