Progressive Boink is back -- in blog form! In our first week as an SB Nation blog, we had a great time entertaining all you fine people. Here's what happened during week one:
A Mission To Save Earth From An Asteroid, As Conducted By The Company That Made Those Crappy Blockbuster Controllers. Jon wrote about Blockbuster-brand spacecrafts, the Blockbuster Kids Club, and a land of plentiful VHS copies of Broken Arrow.
Exclusive: Mitt Romney's Next Campaign Ad. Kyle scooped the Lamestream Media by exclusively bringing readers the shooting script of Mitt Romney's next campaign ad, featuring mutated land sharks and the Verne Troyer sex tape.
SkyMall, Part 5. Bill brought us the latest installment in a favorite feature from the old Progressive Boink, mining the SkyMall catalog for a rundown of many 100% normal products we all use in our everday lives. The Backnobber II! A torture hole-cum-"infrared sauna"! A different personal sauna!
The Rachael Ray Cookbook. Kyle presented readers with selections from Rachael Ray's latest cookbook, written for all you rat racing go-getters out there! Also good for transients squatting in abandoned houses or people too depressed to leave the house.
An Open Letter To All The Kids Who Got The 'Girl Legos' As A Birthday Present. Jon challenged Lego's obsession with gender stereotypes in a way that was far more ambitious than just posting a link to "girl Legos" on your Facebook page and saying, "REALLY, Lego?? Wow..."
Putting On Airs: High-Class Advice For Normal People. Bill told us how to move in high society. We learned that it largely boils down to the art of recognizing Hot Pockets when you see them.
Yankeesfans: The Stories Behind The Animated GIF. Bill profiled the brave men and women behind one of the world's greatest animated GIFs. Wherein jerkoff motions and bellowing "FUCK YOOOOOO FUCK YOOOOOOOOO" become profound metaphors for how we live now.
Stories Of Intrigue: The Rats Of Deviance. A fan favorite returned as Kyle wrote a white-knuckle techno thriller about Micheal Jordache and Julius Oránge, the world's most notorious hackers.
The Search For America's Next Great Humanities Major. Emily introduced the world to not one, but two brilliant new TV shows, both coming soon to Bravo: "The Search for America’s Next Great Humanities Major" and "Occasional Boob Scratch."
Extremely Loud And Incredibly Home Alone. Pete brought us the tale of a highly precocious youth outwitting bandits and numskulls in a benighted post-911 New York. He brings the boy's struggle to find plain cheese pizza to life with a verve and skill that marks him as one of the most exciting young authors to watch.
COUCH THING. Jon did some dumb shit about couches or whatever. Ugh.