A Mission To Save Earth From An Asteroid, As Conducted By The Company That Made Those Crappy Blockbuster Controllers.

controller

MEGA TURBO SHUTTLE 2000: Houston, this is Mega Turbo Shuttle 2K, re-establishing contact. Over.

MISSION CONTROL - HOUSTON: Roger, 2K, this is Houston. Glad to hear from you. We lost radio contact. Over.

2K: Roger that, Houston ... the batteries ran out. We had to replace the AAs.

HOUSTON: (muttering) We should have just used a wired spaceship ...

2K: Negative, Houston, the wires get all tangled up if you do that. Plus we are in space! Over.

HOUSTON: Roger that, 2K. Have you made visual contact with the asteroid? Over.

2K: Affirmative. We are within firing range of 4914 ZH3. We can corroborate satellite data, Houston ... this thing is enormous. Almost planetoid-class, traveling at 27 kilometers per second. Our on-board systems project a collision with Earth in approximately 43 days. Over.

HOUSTON: Our projections are nearly identical, 2K. Deploy missiles when ready. Press A to deploy missiles.

2K: Roger, Houston ... stand by.

2K: Houston, I think the A button is stuck.

HOUSTON: What do you mean? Did you get gum in it or something? A lot of times it'll get stuck if you get gum in it or spill soda on it.

2K: Negative, Houston. There is no soda aboard the Mega Turbo Shuttle 2000. It's like the spring thingy under the button wore out or just snapped off or whatever.

HOUSTON: Keep trying, 2K.

2K: Stand by ... okay wait, it kind of works sometimes but you have to press it really hard. And it doesn't work every time. We're deploying missiles, but we'll need to launch our entire payload to alter the course of 4914 ZH3, and we'll need to slow down to remain in pursuit.

HOUSTON: Roger, 2K. Activate Slo-Mo mode.

2K: Activating Slo Mo .... Houston, all Slo-Mo does is just turn the rocket boosters on and off really quickly. It's like it's just rapidly pausing and un-pausing the fuel line.

HOUSTON: Well that's shitty. That isn't actually slo-mo at all.

2K: Affirmative, Houston. What a rip-off. This doesn't leave us with much of a window. We need to rapidly deploy the remainder of our payload before we fall out of range.

HOUSTON: Affirmative, 2K. Activate Turbo Mode.

2K: There's a switch labeled TURBO XTREME HYPERMODE 5000!!!!, Houston. Is that the right switch?

HOUSTON: Does it have exclamation marks? If so, affirmative, 2K.

2K: What does the "5000" stand for?

HOUSTON: 5000 turbos, 2K.

2K: Roger that. Deploying, stand by ...

2K: Houston, the turbo mode has no effect. It doesn't do anything.

HOUSTON: Weird. Maybe it only works with some asteroids?

2K: I don't know why they would have added this to the on-board controls if it didn't work with every asteroid. But it's not doing anything.

HOUSTON: It's like it's a gimmick or something. Weird, 2K ... stand by. We are attempting to call someone and get help with this.

2K: Hurry, Houston. We only have a few minutes before 4914 ZH3 falls out of range.

HOUSTON: Roger that, 2K, stand by ... well, the instructions don't really give you a number to call or anything.

2K: Shit.

HOUSTON: I mean, I guess we just call the Blockbuster where we got the spacecraft, right?

2K: I guess.

HOUSTON: Roger that, 2K. Stand by.

BLOCKBUSTER SPRINGHURST PLAZA. (mumbling) Hello and thank you for calling your Blockbuster at Springhurst Plaza, where Broken Arrow is guaranteed in stock, my name is Josh, how may I help you?

HOUSTON: Hello, Josh, this is, ah, this is Houston Mission Control. We recently purchased a spacecraft from Blockbuster, and we're having trouble getting it to work.

SPRINGHURST PLAZA. Oh.

HOUSTON: It didn't give us a number to call for support or anything, and we were hoping you could help us troubleshoot it or something.

SPRINGHURST PLAZA. We don't, uh ... we don't sell spacecraft and stuff. Just movies.

HOUSTON: 2K, they're saying they don't sell spacecraft. Just movies.

2K: That's bullshit, Houston. We bought it from that Blockbuster at Springhurst Plaza, right next to the Kroger. Tell them to look on the other side of the store, in that bin next to the romance section.

HOUSTON: Springhurst, it should be on the other end of the store in a bin or something.

SPRINGHURST: Hold on. (away from phone) RACHEL! WE SELL SPACECRAFTS HERE? AY! RACHEL! (back on phone). Oh. Uh yeah, we got spacecrafts here.

HOUSTON: Great! So, uh. We bought one of those, but we can't get the turbo mode to work on it. Could you help us with it?

SPRINGHURST: Yeah, I don't know ... it's, uh ... I'm not really trained to do that ... lemme get the manager.

2K: Houston, have you established contact with the Springfield Blockbuster?

HOUSTON: They're getting the manager, 2K.

SPRINGHURST: Hello and thank you for calling your Blockbuster at Springhurst Plaza, where Broken Arrow is guaranteed in stock. This is the manager speaking.

HOUSTON: Yes, hi, we're having trouble with a spacecraft we bought at your store recently. The turbo button doesn't work, and we were hoping you could help us get it to work.

SPRINGHURST: It's probably just broken. Bring it back to this Blockbuster location and we can exchange it for a new one.

HOUSTON: Springhurst, we don't have time to do that. We're on a priority mission to alter the course of an asteroid that is headed for Earth.

SPRINGHURST: Oh. Well I mean, I don't know what you want me to do.

HOUSTON: Should the asteroid hit our planet, it will precipitate massive global devastation. Please.

SPRINGHURST: (sighs) All right ... hold on.

SPRINGHURST: Mega Turbo Shuttle 2000. Features turbo switch and slow-motion switch. Is capable with most launch platforms. Get in the game -- turbo style. Copyright 1994 Blockbuster Games. Manufactured in--

HOUSTON: Springhurst, are you just reading off the box? I'm not sure whether that will help.

SPRINGHURST: -- China. To maintain your space shuttle's appearance, wipe it periodically with a damp cloth. Do not use rubbing alcohols. Want to be a member of the Blockbuster Kids Club? Join today! Members receive an iron-on patch, a free children's movie rental, and a "Disney's Pocahontas" coloring book. Send a self-addressed stamped--

HOUSTON: 2K, do you want to join the Blockbuster Kids Club?

2K: The what?

HOUSTON: The Blockbuster Kids Club. I guess you get a patch and a free movie and some other stuff. You just have to--

2K: What? No! Jesus!

HOUSTON: We're all just going to die, right?

2K: Probably.

SPRINGHURST: Did y'all want to reserve Broken Arrow?

HOUSTON: Absolutely.

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