Exclusive: Mitt Romney’s Next Campaign Ad.

Progressive Boink has learned that Mitt Romney's presidential campaign has hired the team behind former candidate Rick Santorum's landmark "Obamaville" campaign ad to lead the advertising front in Romney's run for president.

We uncovered the shooting draft of the first ad script developed under the partnership and exclusively present it here:

EXT. SMALL TOWN, USA - DAY

MILKMAN

Mornin' there, Miss Charlene. Mighty fine day
we're having, wouldn't ya say?

MISS CHARLENE
I surely would, Tom!

JIMMY
(Skips out the door, licking enormous lollipop,
slingshot jutting out of back overall pocket)
Hey, Ma! Georgie and me are headin' down to the
crick to catch tadpoles! Don't wait up!

MISS CHARLENE
Oh, Jimmy! You forgot something!

JIMMY
Oops! You can say that again, Ma!
(Runs back and gives her a peck on the cheek)
Can't forget to give my ma some sugar!

Camera follows Jimmy as he runs past the corner of Main Street and Shady Grove, until it lands on:

NEWSIE
Extry! Extry! Obama wins re-election!

Heavens blacken. Rapidfire series of crosscuts between newsie and cackling skull. Writhing maggots and cockroaches pour out of skull's every orifice.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Imagine, in your mind's eye, an America
in which (dripping with contempt, spoken like narrator
is spitting out a racial slur) Barack. Hussein.
Obama ... has won the 2012 election.

CUT TO:

INT. FLOPHOUSE - DUSK

An old, wood-paneled TV sits on shag carpet matted with bodily fluids. A VCR sits atop the TV, topped by a VHS tape rewinder. Used, bloody condoms litter the floor. A severed finger peeks out from behind the TV. The camera begins a slow Vertigo zoom in on the TV.

The TV flickers on, revealing Viet villagers preparing to slaughter a water buffalo calf. The calf's eyes plead with the viewer (possible to get a calf to show human intelligence and Christian charity in its eyes? Maybe put peanut butter on underside of eyelids?). Just as the first machete begins its fateful descent...

SMASH CUT TO:

Single frame: Photoshopped image of Jesus Christ where calf once stood. He is hunched over a bible, shielding it like a mother would shield a child before a pack of starved wolves. Surrounding Christ, holding knives and forks: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid. Saul Alinsky stands behind Obama, giving him a backrub. Derrick Bell, Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers, and Osama Bin Laden play kickball in the background.

NARRATOR (cont.):
Americans are surrounded by a world brimming
with rogue nations run by illiterate, syphilitic madmen.
The taint of Sharia law hangs over our once-proud
country like a cloud of mustard gas.

CUT TO:

Obese, shirtless man sits on sagging, dingy couch. He places the barrel of a shotgun in his mouth and puts his toe on the trigger. He whimpers pitifully.

Closeup on man's toe, with thick, yellowed, fungal toenail curling around toetip. The toe quivers, then pulls the trigger.

NARRATOR (cont.):
By 2013, Obama has sprung open all prison gates
in the U.S., applying to domestic scum the same
appeasement policy he just can't get enough of when
it comes to the gravest threats to our national security.
The most violent inmates are first out the door, and Obama
has provided them all with a map straight to your bedroom.

CUT TO:

Rapidfire montage of circus freaks French kissing, amateur 9/11 footage, Challenger explosion, man with no arms or legs rolling a cigarette with his tongue, hyena pacing and panting in an overtly sexual manner, footage of Obama laughing, Verne Troyer sex tape clip, picture of the guy whose head Hulk Hogan's son caved in when he totaled his car that one time, X-rays of testicular torsions. End on slow-motion Nagasaki atomic bomb blast.

NARRATOR (cont.):
By 2015, all churches are burned-out shells,
used as latrines by roving gangs of radical Islamic
secularists who worship at the dual altar of Darwin
and terroristic moon god Allah. Obama is recognized
as Allah's incarnation on earth. Anyone who displays
the Ten Commandments in their own home is
ferreted out by Obama's cyborg army of health
care administrators, whose death panels bring
a swift end to the last remaining Christians. The
Christians then have their organs harvested and
processed into so-called "health food" injections
that Michelle Obama personally administers to every
last student at our public schools, none of which
take part in a charter program. The organ-harvested
Christians' hollowed-out bodies are then ground into
chum to feed the mutated land sharks that guard
the White House. The sharks were genetically
engineered by family values-despising gay soldiers,
using abortion-friendly stem cell research.

The above bit of narration is reenacted on-screen as the narrator talks. His voice drops an octave every sentence, stopping just short of the lowest frequency humans are capable of hearing.

NARRATOR (cont.)
Welcome.

An unhappily married couple sits in a boat, glowering at their hands. Suddenly, a massive shadow appears under their boat. The water almost seems to boil beneath them..

NARRATOR (cont.)
To.

A red-eyed newborn, slick with amniotic fluid, falls to a grimy tile floor. It opens its mouth to cry and hundreds of spiders spill out, skittering toward the camera en masse.

NARRATOR (cont.)
Barack.

A circle of hooded men lit only by candlelight surround a burlap sack that leaks a curious, oily fluid onto a bare concrete floor. The sack begins to wriggle and flop around wildly.

NARRATOR (cont.)
Hussein.

A young, balding boy with enormous breasts makes a feeble attempt to dribble a basketball on a mound of dirt.

NARRATOR (cont.)
Obama's.

A man stares into the middle distance, eyes unfocused, as he rubs a grater back and forth on his shaved head. Pulpy flecks of gore fly in every direction.

NARRATOR (cont.)
United.

A blind woman pets a tarantula.

NARRATOR (cont.)
States.

Zoom in on man's face as he leers at a horse with equal parts sexual desire and fury.

NARRATOR (cont.)
Of.

Adult male dressed like Baby Huey starts crying, throwing a tantrum while demanding a bottle.

NARRATOR (cont.)
America. (heavy echo)

BARACK OBAMA
(edited together using selections from file footage)
I love. Destroying. Christian. America. The Constitution.
And the. Bible. Are my. Personal. Foes. May God. Leave.
This country. I'm. Coming. For you. Be afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
Afraid. (slowed down) Afraid.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUN-DAPPLED MEADOW - DAY

MITT ROMNEY
I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message.

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