Progressive Boink Holiday Mixtape: All I Want For Christmas Is You.

Dave Reginek

Welcome back to our Holiday Mixtape. Here's a bunny.

As Emily established on Day 1 of this awesome Holiday Mixtape, Christmas is unarguably the best. And this is coming from a Jew. Christmas songs are great -- for the most part anyway (please see our entry on "Christmas Shoes").Today, I wanted to celebrate what may very well be my most favorite Christmas song of all time (non-Muppets division): "All I Want For Christmas Is You," by Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey, as we all know, has had one hell of a career, featuring more twists and turns than Lifetime's original movie "Liz & Dick." So, like, at least one turn and/or twist. She burst onto the pop scene as a teenaged ingenue, singing wholesome songs about feeling emotions and impressing everyone with her Ecco the Dolphin-style vocal bridges.

The next thing you know, she was in booty shorts and wearing a flashing neon sign that said "SEX, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN." Then, you know, she released Glitter and kinda went batshit insane for a while there. But it seems she's finally settled down and found some happiness with that dreamboat Nick Cannon. I think those crazy kids might have figured it all out. But I digress.

Smack dab in the midst of her transition from "that nice curly-haired gal who wears all those sweaters" to "lady who sings about doing it," Mariah put out a Christmas album. So almost at the same time as she was singing about Puff Daddy's man-goo and fighting over Jerry O'Connell with her vaguely racist doppelganger, she gave the world this nugget of adorability:

This was back when MTV still played videos, mind you. It was also back with the 8mm vintage home movie thing was a novel approach and not just making you roll your eyes and telling this asshole hipster to cool his jets with the Instagram filters, already.

One of the first notable things in the video is Mariah apparently having received a literal, living bunny rabbit for Christmas. IF THAT IS THE WAY TO YOUR HEART I WILL GET YOU ANY NUMBER OF RABBITS OH MY PRECIOUS MARIAH-CHAN.

Mariah wears three main outfits in this video: standard middle-class Christmas Day present-opening, family-socializing attire; full snow suit with braided pigtails like she's eight years old; and "Santa Baby"-style "sexy Mrs. Claus" outfit. Basically all facets of Mariah Carey's career are represented in this video. THIS IS THE MARIAH CAREY SINGULARITY. The singu-Carey-ty, if you will.

Also notable: Mariah Carey trimming a tree like she's never seen or heard of a Christmas tree before; Mariah Carey and Santa stumbling around in the snow like they're drunk off their asses on snugglers; dogs dressed like reindeer.

The song itself, though: pure, unabashed glee. Pretty impossible to listen to this song and be in a bad mood. I've never heard a single other song off her Christmas album and I never need to, because nothing could live up to this track. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to this song like 50 more times and move my cat's arms like she's dancing to it. That's a normal thing, right?

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Progressive Boink

You must be a member of Progressive Boink to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Progressive Boink. You should read them.

Join Progressive Boink

You must be a member of Progressive Boink to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Progressive Boink. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.