Hello, everyone. We have a very special treat for you today: a guest post from Spilly of LUNCH JUDGMENT fame. He has prepared a wonderful Thanksgiving meal for us, and I sincerely hope you enjoy it. Thank you, Spilly. Thank you so much, Spilly. As always, you can follow Spilly on Twitter at @IAmSpilly. - Jon
The leaves begin to change. A brisk wind blows, and you know that the day is approaching. Football games come and go; baseball finds a champion. Basketball starts and hockey doesn’t. The day draws ever closer. It is a day all internet chefs look forward to. It is a day to bring the family together, grab a spork, and enjoy a traditional homemade meal. It’s Thanksgiving. I have the immense pleasure of sharing a Spilly Family Thanksgiving with you. Won’t you join me?
STEP 1: You’ll obviously need some turkey. Sure, some people go with a ham, but those people are likely soulless immoral heathens destined for hellfire. This is AMERICA, and in AMERICA we slaughter flightless birds for our gluttony. But what’s this? A turkey is expensive? And big! Why, that won’t even fit in the blender? How do you cook it? You may be asking yourself many of these questions, but do not worry. They make turkey in various OTHER sizes for you to enjoy.
To do this properly, you’ll need some binding agent, something that will pull all of this delicious processed meat together.
STEP 2: Nothing says fall like a little Apple Cider!
STEP 3: Bring out the blender. You knew it was coming. Just sit back and accept it; there is no going back now. Start with the Jimmy Dean turkey sausage links and the lunchmeat. Save the rest of the turkey for later! Don’t forget to pour in the cider to keep the chopping going! Feel free to use a stick to squash the poultryblob back down into the blades for finer chopping.
STEP 4: Oh no! What if your guests question whether or not it’s turkey? It could be anything: Spam, Treet, soy Spam, Taco Bell Nachos, sand, or even chicken! We’d better make sure they don’t get confused. Find a proper holiday baking vessel!
This is the perfect camouflage for your meal. No one will be able to tell the difference between this and a real live turkey!
By now, you will have gone through a few blender jars full of turkey. Let’s see where we’re at.
THICK, SLOSHY MEATPASTE
STEP 5: Begin to pour the protein batter into the pan. Make sure to fill all the crevices so it takes the shape of the turkey. Spread it around and make sure it is flat and even for the next ingredient.
STEP 6: Surely you don’t think I’ve forgotten stuffing! It’s important to keep the stuffing inside, but since we’re building our turkey from the bottom up, we can take the time to add it now.
Today we’ll be making a cornbread stuffing. It’s pretty easy! Let’s look at the ingredients.
Huh. Look at that. Corn, and bread. Don’t overthink things with "spices" and "seasoning". If it’s not Tang, it’s an inferior seasoning agent used as a crutch by an inferior chef. It’s not quite time for Tang yet.
STEP 7: Layer the corn and bread stuffing on your turkey!
STEP 8: Remember all that extra turkey we had leftover? YEP! It’s time for the blender again! Layer the tiny smoked sausages in with the bacon and liquefy the meat.
STEP 9: After achieving creamed turkey, pour it on top of the stuffing and first layer!
After this, put it into the oven for like, I dunno. An hour? 2 hours? You’ll know the turkey is done when the plastic pan begins to slowly melt.
THE SWEET POTATOES
STEP 10: What is Thanksgiving without some sort of yam? Sure, you could buy them PREMADE in cans, but we’re making everything from scratch. You can’t hurry culinary excellence. So grab a tube of Pringles.
STEP 11: Place the Pringles into a mixing apparatus (bowl) and pour some tap water into it to release the potatoes from their crispy shackles.
STEP 12: HIT EVERYTHING WITH A MALLET.
STEP 13: Lastly, add in brown sugar for that sweet touch. The brownness of the sugar will turn it into a yam!
STEP 14: Be sure to mix it all up! No lollygaggin’!
THE CRANBERRY SAUCE
STEP 15: Cranberry sauce has been a mainstay in many Thanksgiving meals for generations. Did you know that the Pilgrims brought the first cans of chilled cranberry sauce from England? It’s true because history!
Let’s make our own! I have no idea what a cranberry is! Let’s use something else that says berry on it.
FOODTIP: ALWAYS BUY PACKAGES WITH A CARTOON OF THAT PRODUCT VOMITING A WEB ADDRESS
STEP 16: Open the Gushers and put them in a bag. begin to slowly smash each one (it’s like popping fruity bubble wrap!). Once you’ve gotten most of them, begin to fill the bag with maple syrup.
STEP 17: Once it’s mixed up, move to a bowl and MICROWAVE IT! the heat will help melt down the gushers into the syrup. You’ll see the Gushers slowly start to melt into each other, and the sauce will turn blue. That’s how you know it’s done! Set aside for later.
THE PUMPKIN PIE
STEP 18: One more dish to go! The pie is the final dish everyone will have, so you want to make it the best they’ve ever tasted! To achieve that, I have a secret Spilly family recipe for you. I guarantee no other family has ever made this pie. We’ll start with a familiar method from our pizza recipe. Use the leftover hot dog buns to create a crust for the pie.
STEP 19: Now, on to the filling! There’s pre-made pie filling out there, but what we’re going to use are tiny pie flavored Poptarts! METAPIE. Also Nutella. The internet loves Nutella. So does Spillygirl. Wait till she gets a taste of this!
STEP 20: Carefully seperate each PoptAHAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING BLEND FUCKING EVERYTHING
STEP 21: To add extra body, we’ll add some Nilla wafers to this as well. I made it a bit soupy, so they will also absorb any extra water or meat juice left in the blender.
Gosh. That’s awful dark. People are going to think it’s a chocolate pudding pie. We don’t want that. Let’s add some milk to th... Hold on. What’s that? Did... did you say you’d probably eat this? That it’s too plain for you? That it looks like something from the supermarket? DO YOU QUESTION MY INTERNET CHEF PROWESS?
NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN
STEP 22: Add in the tartar sauce to the Nutella, Nilla Wafer, and Poptart filling.
STEP 23: Ah! The filling should lighten a bit with that addition. Let’s pour it into our crust. Make sure to get all the little relish bits!
STEP 24: Now you’re ready to bake it! Toss it in with the turkey. if you’re lucky, the aromas will mingle.
STEP 25: Remove the pie is after it’s done (maybe like an hour? I dunno. What do I look like, a stopwatch?) Decorate with a festive fall pattern of Internet Paste and Tangballs!
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
STEP 26: Remove the Turkey from the oven. It may still jiggle a bit in the middle, that’s likely the grease pockets yearning for freedom.
STEP 27: Now is the tricky part. You need to flip it over so you can see your turkey shaped handiwork! It’s all or nothing now. FLIP IT!
Ah balls. I decapitated our poor turkey friend. Oh well, maybe next year he’ll survive.
STEP 28: Begin serving right away, just get a serving spoon and scoop away! Grab some sweet potatoes. Empty out that cranberry sauce. Ready up that slice of pie! IT’S TIME TO SAMPLE YOUR FINE HANDIWORK. YOU’VE EARNED IT!