Let's make a new Star Wars!

Scott Cunningham

Let's take a look at what Disney could do to ruin Star Wars. We'll compare it to what George Lucas has already done to ruin Star Wars.

Didja hear that Walt Disney bought the Star Wars? It's true!

The good news is that it's time for everybody in the world to totally freak out about it. The biggest realists/big-picture people/rational human beings are freaking out about the political and capitalist ramifications of the deal itself; i.e. that one massive media entity has absorbed another, and that there is one fewer choice in the free market. But if you've been to a Disney theme park in the past 10 years, it's pretty clear this buy-out was more a formality than anything else. We've been able to buy "Duck Maul" toys for half a decade now, although sadly the toys don't come with a feature where you push a button and Donald-as-Darth-Maul's pantsless lower half flies away down an elevator shaft. Or whatever it was that happened in The Phantom Menace.

So Disney now owns Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel, and the Muppets. If you have even a passing familiarity with Progressive Boink, or THE INTERNET, that means Disney owns basically everything that anyone has cared about for the past 40 years. People are acting like this is a bad thing, despite having spent the last decade griping about how George Lucas' handling of the Star Wars franchise was sexually assaulting their childhoods. (People are hyperbolic idiots.)

So let's compare and contrast, shall we?

I honestly can't even think of a way Disney can make Star Wars worse than George Lucas made it over the past however-long-it's-been-since-Episode-I.

Here's a short list of the things he has ALREADY DONE to ruin the Star Wars franchise:

- Reworked Return of the Jedi to include an extended musical number

- Added computer animation to the original trilogy that has people stepping in alien shit in the background

- Racist Asian spice-traders

- Greedo shot first

- Racist Jewish slaveowner/garbage shyster

- Explaining that Darth Vader is Space-Jesus

- Racist Stepin Fetchit "comic relief"

- ALL GREEN SCREEN EVERYTHING

- Said that the original trilogy, as initially presented, would never ever be released on DVD or Blu-Ray because they don't exist anymore what are you talking about you made that shit up you stupid nerds

- "YIPPEEEEE"

- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Here's what George Lucas might have done with future Star Wars films. Because we all know that he wasn't ever going to stop pumping out Star Wars content. These are just my best possible guesses:

- Releasing a remastered version of Episode IV that has all of the characters in blackface, complete with overdubbed Amos & Andy voices. Includes a special commentary track of Lucas laughing so hard at the racist humor that he repeatedly pisses himself

- Lil' Star Wars, featuring child-actor versions of Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie. Live-action. Featuring children with "daughter-from-Mrs.-Doubtfire" quality hamminess

- Retconning everything you ever enjoyed about the franchise to be just slightly worse, just because he can

- Having all of the characters who are acting in front of green screens wear motion-capture suits, a la The Green Lantern, which will have their wardrobe animated in separately, just to have one more thing distract you during viewing

- Literally everything on screen is either belching or farting at all times

Now here are the worst possible things that Disney could do with their infinite new Star Wars films (they've said they're making a new, final trilogy for the original story, and then will release a new film every two or three years, forever):

- Have "hidden Mickeys" on all the spaceships

- Use TRON: Legacy technology to have creepy plastic-faced young Harrison Ford reappear as Han Solo

- Put Chewbacca in mouse ears

- Hire Oprah Winfrey as a consultant to make Jar-Jar Binks mildly less racist

- Piss off the religious right with their incessant trafficking of "The Gay Agenda"

- Have whatever new Princess there is in the movie sing a song about how life is tough

That's it. There can only be upsides to this. It's a brave new world, people. Let's shut up and wait to be horribly let down before we start screaming about how terrible things are.

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